No, I have made a conscious decision not to give OW that kind of power. She is already too far into my marriage and I don't want to invite her further. Plus, I could end up looking like a psycho b*tch, which is not the impression I want to give. It might push them closer together, united against me.
I figure that she intellectually *knows* that cheating with a married man is wrong, but has chosen to ignore that clear value system. My telling her how wrong it is won't change a thing.
So, I have chosen not to. But I have been known to have some vicious words with her inside my mind.
Quote: I have made a conscious decision not to give OW that kind of power.
Why would you be giving the OP power? Part of DB'ing is stating what you want. What if you firmly stated what you wanted w/o name calling and going psycho? Wouldn't that be a powerful statement?
I agree telling the OP that cheating is wrong won't help a thing.
I guess because I've chosen to treat her as irrelevant, and letting her know that she's on my mind would make her feel relevant.
Let's face it, all our cheating spouses and OPs know we don't want them to cheat. It wouldn't be a newsflash. What could I say to her that she doesn't already know? Maybe if she didn't know he was married with kids. But she does.
It really helps. Of course, if you read my posts from last night, you'll see what a hypocrite I am advising this. I had myself convinced she was better than I am and he probably was meant to be with her.
Quote: I had myself convinced she was better than I am and he probably was meant to be with her.
WHAT?!?! How could you convince yourself that someone with no integrity was meant to be w/your spouse? OP's are lacking in morals and integrity. They aren't "meant" to be with anyone.
The only way that I could convince myself that OM is "meant" to be w/WAW instead of me is if I believe that WAW lacks the integrity and character to be w/me. Never have I believed that I was not "good enough" for WAW. I'm not perfect, and as far as I know only 1 guy who walked the earth was, so we all have our warts. You just have to choose which ones you can live with.
By caring about yourself and your R, you've proven that you're "meant" to be with a person who values that.
Thanks Jabez... I know you're right. This whole sitch can really run your self-esteem over with a steamroller. So now I work on not basing my self-esteem on whether H wants me or not.
Jabez- Your personality is strong, you know what you think is right and wrong. That trait is one of the things that attracted me to my H. But it is that same trait that is making it very difficult for us to reconcile. I haven't read every word of every one of your posts, but I can hear the conviction in your voice when you write. If I could suggest anything to help your situation, it would be to soften up a little. People make mistakes Jabez. I'm my own proof. But that doesn't automatically mean they have no integrity. Life keeps rolling, even when you do something so stupid you would give anything to go back in time. Sometimes good things can come out of something bad. I've often thought about my own situation, and if I could go back in time, would I change what I did? I can honestly tell you I don't know....that doesn't mean I'm not incredibly sorry for not having whatever it takes to come to be the person I am today WITHOUT causing my H and so many others such pain. But it wasn't until my A that I woke up and saw the light. So, something good came of something bad. All I'm saying is, just try to soften your perspective. You say we all have our warts, but I'm feeling like the only wart you're focusing on is the your W and OM. Hang in there. Conviction can be a good thing at times. But so can a soft and forgiving heart.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
My short story: D13/D15 Mini bomb summer 2002: WAW "I'm not happy but I'm not leaving" Me: work like crazy reading 5LL, His Needs/Her Needs, etc. Da Bomb: Summer 2004: "Don't love you any more, love my friend" A starts July 2004, still going and going... WAW moves out Oct. D papers arrive Feb.
I've been dark for as long as 2 months. I've been in LRT for 6 months. No effect. WAW: "I am rude to you so that you don't think that I'm coming back".
Quote: Your personality is strong, you know what you think is right and wrong.
This is going to sound strong, but I know that adultry is wrong. I just don't think that it is wrong.
Quote: If I could suggest anything to help your situation, it would be to soften up a little
I've been understanding. I absorb all the rude barbs and either don't respond or respond in a kind manner. I don't feel "authentic" "enabling" WAW to continue A.
Quote: Life keeps rolling
Right now I feel like the only thing rolling is the steam roller over D15/D13 & me.
Quote: Sometimes good things can come out of something bad.
It's been 11 months, I'm still waiting something good about our relationship to happen. The best thing to happen so far is my relationship w/D13&D15 is close & strong.
Quote: If I could go back in time, would I change what I did?
Speaking for myself, I know exactly what I would change. I would be more empathetic. I would ask more questions and not let the answer "nothing" to my "Are you OK? What's wrong?" question be the end of the conversation.
I'm not perfect. I used to have a hard time talking to anyone about problems. That is what I feel was my major contribution to the sitch. WAW has confirmed this several times since leaving. I'm working on that. I do still love my W. Right now the only love I can exercise is sacrificial love, and I'm doing it. I want to forgive her, but if WAW doesn't want to be forgiven, then I can't. I'm frustrated becuase I'm shut out, not getting a chance to show that I'm not a feeble milktoast whose stunted in his emotional growth.
I've calmed down now. The tone on my prior post was too harsh. I apologize.
Quote: that doesn't mean I'm not incredibly sorry for not having whatever it takes to come to be the person I am today WITHOUT causing my H and so many others such pain. But it wasn't until my A that I woke up and saw the light.
I can't imagine a pain or unhappiness inside me so intense that it would cause me to look outside my marriage. I sincerely thank you for sharing. Since you've been there, can you help me to "see the light"? or at least a sliver of light? I'm lost in the dark.
I do still love my W and do still want her to come home. I want to understand. I want to be forgiven and want to forgive.
I'm done thinking about that @$$. 