Quote: No doubt you have been working on making the changes, has she noticed? If so, what was her reaction? If not, how do you point them out w/out pursuing?
The context of my situation is that she moved out and lives with the OM. Now she lives 130 miles away from me, OK? So people all the time, how does she see any changes if she's not there with you? That crosses everybody's mind.
Well, it is more of an obstacle if they're not there to notice changes. On the other hand, the WAS not seeing you every day makes any changes all the more noticeable when they do see you. It's like how we don't see our mates getting older if we see them every day, but notice the change in someone we only see from time to time.
At first, I made the classic mistake of announcing my changes, telling her I've changed and how so. Here's what I noticed happens with that. You think you've earnestly communicated that you've changed. My WAW seemed to have believed me. But then, there were a few times when I'd say something about something I did (not about announcing changes, just in conversation with her about what I'm up to nowadays, that sort of thing) and her reaction would be, "Wow! You really have changed!". That sort of inflection on her part signaled to me that she may have been dubious about my changes and/or the extent of them, though she had previously verbalized that she believed I had changed. Actions speak louder than words here. Also, WASs are reasonably skeptical that announced changes after the bomb is dropped are a ploy to get them back, and any such changes they fear may be short lived and they are understandably reluctant therefore to get back into a relationship they just left without the assurance that the changes are real. Announcing changes doesn't make them real. Living the changes for some time to show genuine change and consistency is real.
I'll tell you something else. You don't "point them out". You just make genuine changes that are needed. Be honest with yourself, real honest. Brutal even. Rip out those things that cause hurt in others. Cultivate those traits and qualities that nurture and embrace and bring positives into your life. Make them habitual. Practice them all the time on everyone you come into contact with, not just your WAW. It's not good to be a caring, loving person in regard to only one other human being; to be a truly caring person, one must be caring to all.An artist does not learn to paint in order to paint one painting, nor he does he wait until the right painting comes along to learn how to paint. This is an art as well, the art of loving.
When you do adopt a more caring, loving, compassionate view of the world, I believe, it will spill over unknowingly into other facets of your being and behavior and thoughts and words so that you may be completely oblivious to how you are now different in those other respects, but someone else can easily pick out the differences that now seem as normal as breathing to you.
So now, having met up a few times and continuing to do meet up, yes, I think she notices more changes than I think she does. I know she's observing me, she's inferred that, perhaps unknowingly, in her emails to me. The next step is, while continuing always trying to improve myself, that time be given for her to see the changes are genuine and consistent. And again, this isn't for her. This is for me.
