Externally, I appear to be in control of myself. Internally, I understand more about me and W and OM and the relationship W had/has w/both of us, but it still hurts. I'm angry at myself for not seeing this coming, for not doing something more, much earlier so that we wouldn't be at this point. I'm angry w/W because she has chosen to deal w/the problem in this way. I wonder whether it will ever be possible to have a healthy relationship w/W. We both need to change so much. I have begun to do so, toward the good, just by recognizing how I contributed to the sitch. (This sounds cliche, but it was like a revelation this morning.) I am frustrated that I can't talk to W about this and tell her what I've learned.
I feel like I've got to live "as if" I'm already D'd and that makes me feel like I've failed the D's, myself and God. I realize that I can't take responsibility for W's decisions, but I did contribute toward the ills of the R and so I'm not blameless.
