I have a problem that I need a solution to. From my point of view, my WAW considers the apt her private residence. However, because of the kids, she has access to "our" home. The problem is that I feel she does not respect my privacy. A week and a half ago, while the kids & I were at church, she came into the house, went thru "our" bedroom to the attic to get the cat carrier and took the cats to get vaccinated. She did not tell me in advance that she was going to so this. I sent an email asking that she tell me in advance when she planned on doing something like that. Yesterday she took our oldest to the Dr. While she was in the house, she took the jello egg molds. Now I know that this may seem petty, but I feel like she should tell me that she wants something from the house, regardless of what it is. Unless it is something major, I will not put up a fuss. Do you think that my attitude is wrong? If not, how to I convey my feelings and still be DBing? I feel like if I don't say something then I' being a doormat.
I would bring it up once, in a calm, civil tone. Let her know that she decided to leave and she no longer has free rain of entering the house and removing items. No arguing, no yelling. Let her vent (if she does) afterward and validate.
While I do see NYs point, I think that some tough love and letting the other person deal with the consquences of their actions can also be used. Plus, to me, it shows dettachment, showing them you are moving on and need your privacy and own space.
If you've been following this thread, you know that some friends have come to me with the identity of the OM. In the past 6 weeks, the number of people that know about what is going on has grown. I fear now that teen D's will find out "on the street". I plan on talking to W about my concern. She knows that I know about the OM, but we haven't talked about it. I plan on presenting this as a concern for our D's. I won't get involved in a discussion on the rightness or wrongness of the relationship. I just want our D's to find out from her/us/me.
Since DB'ing is goal oriented, I have to ask what is my goal and what do I hope to accomplish? My goal is being honest with my W about my concern and being honest w/our D's. I fear that they will learn of this over hearing gossip, or worse yet, being taunted by a peer.
I will be calm and non-judgmental just stating the fact that I am concerned about our D's and that they need to know.
I would tell your daugther's directly, without anger and just stick to the facts. I did this for my two sons, 6 and 10. Most people will say shelter the kids. I don't agree and believe in honesty. Although they were hurt, they know that I was honest with them, and I think that is better then being sheltered and hearing the 'Sometimes Mom's and Dad's don't get along' BS.
I also want my kids to grow up with good values and morals, and not pretending that this just 'happens'. I never want my children to go through this, so I answer there questions honestly and openly.
I don't want to feel like I'm giving them a clear message on drugs and other issues, and then skirting relationship messages. I feel that would not make me the best parent I can be. No where in the bible does it say 'thou shall not smoke weed', but we know that's wrong. I want my kids to have a clear moral sense.
Wow! Well written and well said. It is as if you read my mind.
In the spirit if being fair, I talked to W on Wed to say that I feel the D's need to know. The reason: it is better to learn the truth from us then to hear gossip on the street. Sure the D's will be hurt, but in my opinion, the will have respect for having the guts to trust them with the truth.
I agree, telling them reenforces good moral values in them. I'm presenting the truth and it is in line w/my other values of integrity, honesty and respect. I'm not hiding anything from them. If I hide the truth from them, then I am saying, "You are not capable of handing this. I think less of you."
I also agree w/the "sometimes Moms & Dads don't get along" BS.
Just looking for some input here. Been pretty dark since D papers arrived Feb 2. Floated a test ballon of doing the taxes together that got shot down - seems like all my efforts get stiff armed. Looking for more "face-time" w/o pursuing. Last night I "happened" to meet W & D13/D15 in driveway when she was bringing them home and I was taking out the trash. (W never gets out of the car to come in the house) Happily greeted D's, poked my head in the back door of the car to say Hi to W and then waved goodbye w/a smile.
Good DBing? Any other idea for light, quick, friendly exchanges?
I just got back from a meeting with OM’s mother. She is a sweet, gentle older lady who is thoroughly crushed by what is going on. My W is addicted to the OM. The OM’s mom said that W is obsessed with him. I believe that the OM’s mom hates my W, but out of respect for me she did not say that. I came away from the meeting crushed. I feel like I had to go to the doctor to know what was causing the pain, but now that I know it is cancer, I hurt in more ways than before.
The OM’s mom said that W calls OM all the time and that the notes W writes are like a preteen’s. During my phone session w/Vernetta she theorized that MLC minds think like teen minds and process information with emotion in the amygdala as apposed to adult minds which process information with the frontal cortex by reasoning.
Since I have the D papers, how do I continue w/LRT and deal with this addiction? I am feeling hopeless right now. I feel betrayed. I know that I am supposed to be focused on myself, but tonight it is taking all my energy not to backslide and call W and blast away. I thank God that I have my 2D’s to love.
Looking for something to pull me up out of this funk.
Externally, I appear to be in control of myself. Internally, I understand more about me and W and OM and the relationship W had/has w/both of us, but it still hurts. I'm angry at myself for not seeing this coming, for not doing something more, much earlier so that we wouldn't be at this point. I'm angry w/W because she has chosen to deal w/the problem in this way. I wonder whether it will ever be possible to have a healthy relationship w/W. We both need to change so much. I have begun to do so, toward the good, just by recognizing how I contributed to the sitch. (This sounds cliche, but it was like a revelation this morning.) I am frustrated that I can't talk to W about this and tell her what I've learned.
I feel like I've got to live "as if" I'm already D'd and that makes me feel like I've failed the D's, myself and God. I realize that I can't take responsibility for W's decisions, but I did contribute toward the ills of the R and so I'm not blameless.
