Quote: Thanks for your "model" story of DBing done right.
Am I doing it correctly? Hope so. Think so. I didn't deem it to be a model story, though. It's just my story, and since you're also dealing with an infrequent contact basis, I thought my story would be helpful.
Dynamics such as whether your WAS is more or less communicative than mine has to do mostly with their desire to communicate with you. That ebbs and flows depending on several things, not the least of which is how the LBS interacts with the WAS. Being a dynamic, that can change as a result. Is your WAS truly indifferent to you? No reactions whatsoever, either angry or not? Is it as if they fell off the face of the earth?
Quote: More than anything, I feel sorry for H.
Sure. Their sitch doesn't get any much better. Odds are it's downhill for them from this point.
Quote: Dynamics such as whether your WAS is more or less communicative than mine has to do mostly with their desire to communicate with you. That ebbs and flows depending on several things, not the least of which is how the LBS interacts with the WAS. Being a dynamic, that can change as a result. Is your WAS truly indifferent to you? No reactions whatsoever, either angry or not? Is it as if they fell off the face of the earth?
The first four months after the bomb when I was sad/angry at H, he showed some "caring", probably due to guilt. When I started being "O.K." (since DBing, end of Aug) he will take his cues from me. If I am cordial and friendly, we will be in return, but never steps over that line that shows me any hope. The only things that "disturb" him are me being extremely happy or getting off the phone first, to which he reacts taken aback or pouty.
I don't know...all I know is that H has a long way to go. As someone else mentioned, he keeps extremely busy, I think in an effort to avoid looking at himself. Sigh...
I didn't post my entire story, so here is more of it to ease your mind. Yes, I am taking care of myself and D13&D14. I've given up the pursuit for the past 2 months. I've bordered on dark for the past 2 months or so (OK there was that one time when the D papers arrived, but I am human). I'm taking a class, I have an support circle of 5, I've joined a singing group, I'm playing the piano, I'm playing in a band.
I don't sit around and mope and snoop. Sure, early on I did, but now I know that it causes me more grief than it is worth. The information about the OM just happend to fall out of the sky and is hanging on a tree limb for me to pick, if I choose. I've taken a week to get myself in the right frame of mind to do this. I'm doing it on my terms in my time in my way. I have control of the delivery of the information so I will have better control of myself receving the information.
(That last paragraph sounded very "controling" and yes, I have "worked" on that. I have been able take a step back and not "have my hand on the wheel" all the time. And you know what, we didn't end up in a ditch!)
Last Friday I was in the best "place" that I have been in several months. I am there again today. I will not let this consume me. I am better than that now.
I need to demonstrate to myself and then my W the confidence in myself that I can go on w/ or w/o her. I have "detached" from her shenanagans and am now able to dodge them or let them roll off my back. I'm moving back to the fun loving, musical guy that I was before all this @#$% happened! I wanna be free, I wanna be me again!
LastResort & Jabez, both of you sound like you're doing great!
Jabez, I'd still warn against finding out anything about the OP, it can sting, and ultimately, doesn't mean squat. So it's needless pain.
Way cool about all the stuff you're getting into!
I just dashed off a reply to my WAW's email of last night wherein she inquired about making a lunch date for next week. I took a bold step. Mind you, she's 130 miles and I don't see her often, so every contact is critical, but basically I neither said yes or no and just almost like blew her off telling her that next week is hectic with "Possible rehearsal... Reading for a Director... some personal stuff... a photo shoot... meeting up with friends... appointment with a prospective bridal couple... There are some days/nights I'll be in the city and have things to do, but a few things are up in the air still." Just to send her a message that she's not all that important to me.
We'll see what she does in turn. Sometimes I wish we could take bets on what the WASs will do next, that way we could make some money on this to compensate for the pain lol!!!!
I don't have any expectations of what she'll do next, this way if something adverse happens I can roll with it better. I have a hunch she'll get back to me rather quickly and try to figure out a date with me, but then again, that's just a hunch. A hopeful hunch. She might just as well write back and say, "Wow, you sound really busy. Maybe some day in April would be better?" That's why I say no expectations and deal with the actual outcomes instead of speculating. Just like I dealt with her actual email.
Last, that's very interesting about that "dance" H does with you, returning like for like. If he's pouty when you end a call, that's his problem, but I think you know that. Is he doing anything like distancer/pursuer movements? When you back off, he draws close, when you draw close, he backs off?
I'm new here. I read the DR book and am considering trying it. BUT.......WHY??? If it works, what are we getting back? A cheater and a liar.
And how will we feel about our work and trouble (assuming we get our cheater back) in 2,3,5? years when we think about everything we did to help the M while our spouses were sleeping with someone else?
I swear I still love my wife. But I don't think we should stay together if she can't do at least SOMETHING to help our R.
I predict resentment, SERIOUS resentment, in 2,3,5? years if I (DBer) do all the work and she (WAS) decides to come back.
Yeah, I'm a cynic. Maybe someone can show me where my logic is flawed???
Quote: I swear I still love my wife. But I don't think we should stay together if she can't do at least SOMETHING to help our R.
I predict resentment, SERIOUS resentment, in 2,3,5? years if I (DBer) do all the work and she (WAS) decides to come back.
Yeah, I'm a cynic. Maybe someone can show me where my logic is flawed???
The flaw in your logic is that you're assuming that DB'ing now (in order to bring w closer) equals her never working on the M (and hence, resentment). IOW, no ones suggesting that your w's behavior doesn't change and all should be well with that -- what's being suggested is that DB'ing, and in particular focusing on the only thing you can control (yourself) is a way to get your m on more solid footing (or perhaps, it's primarily a way to get yourself on solid footing).
My h had an ea, wanted no part of our m, certainly didn't want to "work" on our m...I DB'd, focusing on myself, what crud I brought to the R, learned new ways of interacting and approaching him, etc. h has still never said "hey, let's work on this m" but he works on it every single day...DB'ing helped me clean up my own crap and also allowed me to realize that so much of what happens in a M is a cycle - that, yes, can be broken by one person.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: Last, that's very interesting about that "dance" H does with you, returning like for like. If he's pouty when you end a call, that's his problem, but I think you know that. Is he doing anything like distancer/pursuer movements? When you back off, he draws close, when you draw close, he backs off?
Thanks for the encouragement. I want to comment on this and muse about our history of distance/pursuit, but I think I should do it on my thread...Monkies In MLC, Snakes In Rediscovery in the MLC Forum later on. Can you stop by later and tell me what you think? I'd really appreciate it.
Quote: I'd still warn against finding out anything about the OP, it can sting, and ultimately, doesn't mean squat. So it's needless pain.
NYS, I already know things about the OP and not much about this doesn't sting or stink! I feel like the more I know, the more I can be prepared. Its just one more nagging question answered.
This doen't mean that I'm going to become addicted to finding out more and more. I've been there, done that and am done with that. If it is who I think it is, I will actually lol because "This affair will never go so well". If it someone else, so be it, it's not my problem, it is theirs. I will just keep on being a good father and doing whatever I can to be me and make myself safe to be around for my W. Jabez
