Do I want to know?

[sage]

I swear I still love my wife. But I don't think we should stay together if she can't do at least SOMETHING to help our R.

I predict resentment, SERIOUS resentment, in 2,3,5? years if I (DBer) do all the work and she (WAS) decides to come back.

Yeah, I'm a cynic. Maybe someone can show me where my logic is flawed???

The flaw in your logic is that you're assuming that DB'ing now (in order to bring w closer) equals her never working on the M (and hence, resentment). IOW, no ones suggesting that your w's behavior doesn't change and all should be well with that -- what's being suggested is that DB'ing, and in particular focusing on the only thing you can control (yourself) is a way to get your m on more solid footing (or perhaps, it's primarily a way to get yourself on solid footing).

My h had an ea, wanted no part of our m, certainly didn't want to "work" on our m...I DB'd, focusing on myself, what crud I brought to the R, learned new ways of interacting and approaching him, etc. h has still never said "hey, let's work on this m" but he works on it every single day...DB'ing helped me clean up my own crap and also allowed me to realize that so much of what happens in a M is a cycle - that, yes, can be broken by one person.

Sage