Do I want to know?

[NYsurvivor]

Yes, I know that my *REAL PROBLEM* is with my relationship with my W, but we can't address that problem until she wants to.

There are two tasks, one follows the other. The first task is to make it so your WAW wants to reconsider the relationship. After she's agreed to reconsider the relationship is when you work on the problems that need to be worked on with her. Up to that point, you can only take care of your end. As you know, the idea is to purge whatever was detrimental in your behavior/ patterns that contributed your portion to the end of the relationship, making changes in yourself, for yourself. The payoff extends to perhaps attracting you WAW back, and if not, you'll still be better prepared for a relationship with someone else. Your first task then doesn't require her active participation. It requires her passive participation.

Until that time, I can do everything in my power to not push her any further away than she is now. (i.e. DB'ing) ***BUT*** there may be ways to knock the luster off the OM and show his warts to help this along.

OK, let us know how it goes.

If his flaws were enough to make her drop him, she'd have dropped him by now. Obviously she has blinders on. She's the one that put them on. She has to be the one to take them off.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. And you can royally piss off the horse too by splashing the water in its face.

I think until such time your WAW herself deems the OM's luster to have worn off, she's going to see him through rose-colored glasses. In her world, if you point out evident flaws to her, she's going to defend him and minimize his flaws, and she'll feel as if you are a petty, jealous, argumentative, controlling man. If pettiness, arguments, control and jealousy were part of the problem in your relationship with her (in her view), as far as she's concerned, the thought that you haven't changed will be reinforced to your detriment.

And what else could happen? Say she eventually grows doubts about the OM big enough to warrant leaving him? She might very well find yet another guy, unless you spent the time making her feel safe and comfortable with the new you, trusting her to make her own decisions, validating her feelings, loving her from a distance. To go on a campaign against her lover boy defeats that effort.

You haven't written anything about how exactly by pointing out his flaws would specifically bring her back to you. Some examples might be interesting to explore, especially if anyone here has tried what you wish to do. They could post their feedback.