Hey LastResort, that almost describes my exact sitch.
I tend to think though, that the WAS DID clue me in to her needs many, many times in the past while we were together. The problem was I didn't have my ears on or my head was up my ass.
Now my WAW lives with her boyfriend, and they live 130 miles away. So I'll tell you what I'm doing for my own sitch, fair enough?
OK, insofar as her emotional needs, I gather that some of them are: Validating her, which is listening and being supportive of her. Spending quality time doing things with her. Respect. Praise and compliments for her talent, her efforts around the house. So now I know to do these things and make them part of my nature, like breathing. I looked back and realized the signs she was giving me in order to know what her needs were. I also have the advantage of a journal she kept and gave me some pages from that detailing what upset her in our relationship. If you haven't a clue, then pick up "Her Needs, His Needs" and that book should help.
I wouldn't adopt the attitude that the WAS's head is up her ass. I don't agree with what she's done, and i don't like what she's done, and to be honest, I have my moments where I say to hell with her. But I'm on a rollercoaster, so extremes are a given. But don't adopt a negative mean-spirited attitude, because it will influence your behaviors and will sabotage your efforts. Let's be grown up about this. I made mistakes and she walked. She made mistakes, should I not want her back because of her mistakes? I figure I can move on and find someone wonderful to be with, and I'm open to that. But I'm also open to her. I understand people make mistakes. So, why should I cut my nose to spite my face?
I have to be willing to lose the battles to win the war. I have to be realistic.
So every contact I can have with her has to be very positive on my part. She has to feel as if my life is taking off wonderfully and is exciting to be part of. To that end, yes, I'm doing things, things that I know makes her eyes go wide with delight. Things that I like.
What attracted her to me in the first place 8 years ago? In her own words, I was smart, funny, witty, sexy, attentive and sweet. Still am. I show her that side of me. I don't show her the pain, don't vent to her, I don't backslide in front of her.
Mind you, I had backslid so many times that she was ready never to see me again. That near miss is what formed my resolve not to f^ckup again in DBing.
Also, by not giving her details but just letting her minimally know that I'm seeing others, and by not replying to her emails straight away or answering her calls, I let her imagine the worst scenario: that I don't love her anymore. She's not number 1. She needs to feel I'm fading away and she's on her own. She doesn't want to give me up, I'm a good person to have in her life.
I don't help her out unless she asks, or if it serves my cause to do so. But she has to experience life without me to catch her falls.
I used to consider the OM as a bastard. He still is, but he's not my enemy or competition, he's my ally! Living day in and day out with him eventually can wear his shine down to where relationships go when they end, you know?
I meet up with her when she travels in to the city. We've started having lunch dates just to catch up and meet up with each other. If she tells him that she's meeting up with me, how long do you think he'll put up with that until he starts to bitch and moan to her about limiting contact with me? That will start to doom their relationship if he does that. If she doesn't tell him it's me she's meeting up with but lies to him about this, then their relationship is doomed. Either way, they're doomed.
I have to show her that I'm happy without her, and I have to make myself happy without her, because she may never come back. And did she did come back, for all I know, it would be a whole bunch of headaches. It actually may not be the best thing. I'll find out when and if I get there. But I desire that option.
I have to become the person who she believes to be is the better choice for her, the more interesting person, the more loving person, with the greater life. And trust me, since she'll just see the best when she sees me, and not be able to have it, and then go home to the guy on the couch who's burping and scratching his ass or whatever, in other words, she'll compare the everyday mundane living with that guy to the best foot forward and best light I portray myself in, happy go lucky me, after a while, I'll bet she'd rather be with me.
The chemistry was once there, it can be rekindled. There was a reason she married me, she was heads over heels in love with me once. I believe I have more qualities that she wants than he has. She's not going to be with him forever, odds are. She cares about me - and this is KEY! If she cares, then all is not lost. They say whether she's angry or caring, that's good. That shows emotional attachment. It's when you're on fire and they don't even want to piss on you, that it's done and over.
Tons of time and patience are needed. This works on her schedule, not mine. Time is needed to show her my changed behaviors are consistent, not phony. Time is needed for her negative emotional baggage of me to dissipate. Time is needed to give her moment after moment of consistent positive experiences and interactions.
I track all this on a calendar. I look to see if her contacting me increases in frequency (yes, it has). I look for the positive little baby steps in my direction in order to know if I'm getting results (yes, but very slowly). Well, two minutes before your post I got an email from her sharing some news about a project she's working on and asking about another lunch date for next week. It's been 5 days since I spoke to her. She used to take a week to two weeks to contact me. Lately we're in touch every week once or twice. Something's working.
I don't anymore analyze what she may or may not think or is saying or doing, because that doesn't pay - not at all. I only observe what is very evident and obvious, and make my decisions as to what to do next accordingly and in keeping with these precepts.
BTW, we do have a divorce in the works, and while not the best thing to have happen, it's not the end of the relationship by any means. Fact is, I have a new relationship with her, not the old one that led to this misery, but a new one where my X feels more connected to me, safer and drawing closer.
