OK a D is just a piece of paper. but, what about all the attacking, the determined financial devestation? How does anyone maintain a relationship after that. I'm out of gas or should I say petrol, see what you think? Take a spin to: Running on Empty II
I don't know what to tell you Tag. I guess that if you really want something, you can see past all the bad stuff that comes with a r. My divorce cost me a bunch of money, w told lies about me to help justify the d, made me out to be a real piece of s*!t. They say that love concors all. I know that I am still very much in love with EW, and she knows it as well. In my heart I know that she feels the same way that I do, she just can't make any progress at this point because of family. I have been told this by her friends so I know that it is correct. Just keep in mind that God wont lead you to a mountain unless he knows that you can climb it. Things like this are what has kept me going. If it's meant to be, he will make it happen. We all just need to keep our chins up and walk into the battle so to speak. Peace out, Engine
You don't maintain an R to start with. For me, after the custody battle (and believe me, that was HELL) I basically went 'dark' for a year, no contact, no phone calls, no msn, no nothing.
I took my business back from him so I did not have any financial issues, although it was tough when he first left as he stopped paying his wages into our account but once I'd readjusted I was okay.
After the year, I think he just realised 'OMG, she really has gone' because before that I had threatened to just cut off if he didn't treat me right and so he was interested again.
The year gave me space to try to come to term's with what happened and it also made me realise that giving up on the M made me feel far worse than DB'ing does.
Well, in June 04 he took over picking up our dd (prior to that he was getting his OW to do it so we wouldn't have to meet).
We had a few weeks of this, just 10 minutes here and there, civil pleasantaries. I re-decorated my house and he asked to come in and see it and he commented that every room in the house was a different colour so I knew then that he was moving nearer.
He started noticing little things round the house, like I bought some weighing scales so I could make biscuits, and he noticed those.
It was very much baby steps, that's how you have to start it, just by being civil.
Then he came round and admitted he 'had feelings' and we got into this really intense sexual fling (that's all it was at that point, animal sex). I told OW because it seemed wrong for her not to know. I actually became friends with the OW briefly because she thanked me for being honest with her.
H then said he needed 'space' to work out what he wanted, so I 'went dark' again and a couple of months later, before Christmas he came round again, wanting to chat. We had several meetings where we'd just talk, sometimes just the 2 of us, sometimes with the kids too.
He started sending me text messages all the time and it got really expensive (my phone bill was £94!!) so I put him on my msn messenger and we started talking on that as well.
Then I went away to Cyprus for my Christmas - just me and my youngest dd (again, showing him I have my own life). I did not contact him the whole time I was away.
I was on a train on my way home, when he rang me and asked if he and my other dd's could come round for a Christmas Day with me? I said yes and so we had another Christmas Day on December 30th!
It was wonderful as it was the first Christmas in 2 years that I had seen my kids open their presents.
After that we started sleeping together again and shortly after that it was acknowledged by him that we are in a tentative R.
We now 'date' and see each other on average 2 or 3 times a week.
My R with the children is getting a lot better too and my youngest dd is enjoying all the extra time she is getting with her sisters.
But it was a VERY slow process and still takes a lot of determination from both of us.
This is how we re-connected after a year, by gentle baby steps.
I joined this site to give others hope and inspiration and also to get support myself, because to me M is the most important thing in the world, especially if there are kids too, and I did what I could and fought for my M for this reason.
I am telling you this so you know, no matter how bad the storm is now, it won't always be like that.
I've read some of your thread and your W reminds me a bit of how my H used to be. Always changing his mind, always hot and cold.
I wouldn't take it to heart, most of it's c**p anyway. Ex's always come out with hurtful stuff when there is a D going through. It will pass.
I think what your W needs is space and loads of it, and I think you do as well for your sanity.
Cut off and carry on trying to build your life as you are doing. DB'ing is a VERY long process. If she chooses to reinitiate things, then it will be after you've both had time apart from each other.
From what I've read, you're doing okay. Just try not to get sucked into all her drama (and it is drama, a lot of therapists in my opinion just inflame the situation - they are more about 'women's rights' and 'standing up for yourself' than actual R counselling).
My H too said he didn't love me, wanted a D, 'I'm never coming back' etc etc and at the end of the day, it's just words. They say things like that to make you angry, upset etc. Most of it isn't true.
Who knows? She may see the 'new you' and want you back but by then you might be with another wonderful woman and then she'd be thinking 'Oh, what did I do?' So keep your spirits up. I can honestly feel your pain and I know what it's like, but I can tell you from my own experience that regardless of how the M works out, it DOES eventually get better.
Ioavva, I can't thank you enough. I've weathered the onslaughts figuring she'll come out of it. She says she forgives me and then sends my lawyer a proposed settlement. Go figure. We haven't talked since 21Feb. I haven't seen her since 25Jan. I figure it's going dark, detaching although others on this site think I should be there. I'll just go a slow as I can and put this marriage in God's hands.
