I'm wondering if more careful qustioning (still limited) would make a difference.
Open ended questions are usually advised for promoting conversation, but in this case, I think they're worse than useless. I'd try very, very specific yes/no or short multiple choice type questions. No essay questions.
"I intended the letter to be a loving gift. Did it feel like one to you?" "Was there anything in it that you took exception to?"
"I sense that you don't like it when I leave the toilet seat up. Is that true?" "Doing grocery shopping together is one of my favorite things. Do you find it as enjoyable as I do?"
Positive info might help, too: "When you tell me what you're thinking [even better to have a specific example], I feel loved. I really appreciate being able to have that connection with you."
"I want to give you the kind of nonverbal communication that is important to you, even though it's hard for me to be aware of those things. I really appreciate when you make efforts to communicate with me in the ways that are important to me, but more difficult for you."
