I still haven’t gotten any response to either the letter or my request for comments on same. As I said before, when I asked her if she had any comments, all she said was, “I didn’t think it required comment”.
Things have been pretty slow in our SL since before Christmas. It’s been different things, but it seems like somebody in the family has been sick on pretty much any given day since then. W even spent three days in the hospital with a kidney stone blocking the flow of urine from her right kidney and causing it to swell. So things hadn’t been real good sex-wise. We hadn’t ML since February 5th. It didn’t happen the weekend before V-day and I got sick that Sunday. I was pretty sick and missed the whole week of work. I’m pretty sure that I would have been up to it by the following weekend, but it didn’t happen then either.
Now with that recap, let me get to the news. We ML on Saturday and W did something she had never done before: she got on top. That may not be a big deal to some (most) of you, but it’s huge to me. I’ve told you before that W is strictly a missionary position, get it over with kind of girl. She has NEVER done anything like this before. This time, rather than letting me do oral on her and then pulling me on top for IC, she just said, “Enough”. When I moved up beside her on the bed, she straddled me and got things going. I was just slack-jawed. She’s never been willing to try any other positions before, but this time, she was not only willing, but she was the one to initiate it!!!
So what do you think? Is this a response to the letter? Or is this just another one of those unexplained things like why last year she suddenly started to ML once a week after over 28 years of little or no sex at all?
You know that I tend to over-analyze, well, I’m at it again. I’m not about to complain, but this is really, really big and I really want to understand it.
So what do you think? Is this a response to the letter? Or is this just another one of those unexplained things like ... You know that I tend to over-analyze, well, I’m at it again. I’m not about to complain, but this is really, really big and I really want to understand it. I wouldn't overanalyze it, I'd just go with it. You said earlier your W never wanted to talk about sex, but it sounds like she is trying to respond to what you've been saying, whether the letter or what has gone before. I'd suggest being very encouraging in nonverbal and nonphysical ways and seeing what happens. I wouldn't try to force her to talk about it.
Definitely don't over analyze this. It could be her way of responding to your letter, some people are bigger on actions than words....but definitely don't over analyze this. Accept it, enjoy it, validate her for it, and hope for more of the same.
Seems like this must have been a good weekend for several of us.
I know you're right, but that's really hard for me to do. It's basic to my makeup to want to understand the things going on around me. To bring enneagrams into yet another thread, I'm a 5. Look at the key motivations:
"Key Motivations: Want to possess knowledge, to understand the environment, to have everything figured out as a way of defending the self from threats from the environment."
Sound familiar? Remember when we first started to ML? I kept trying to figure out why. Was it something I did? was it something I said? Was it something I didn't do? I was going crazy trying to figure out what had changed to cause W to start ML.
Now, with all the comments about the different personality types and the conflicts between them, I'm thinking that my analysis may be part of the problem. Maybe my constant analyzing is one of the things that fuels W's LD - who wants their SL to be analyzed? I sure don't.
the point is, I'm trying to do as you suggest and just go with it. But it's hard.
I understand where you're coming from. I tend to over analyze too. I have to work at accepting and validating and not looking for the whys and wherefores of everything.
WB... I agree with the others...I know you want to figure it out, but let it go and just enjoy. (FWIW, I do think it is her way of responding to the letter).
Well, WB, no one ever told you that your wife would begin communicating with you about sex VERBALLY.
It looks like she is communicating, all right, and it's not in a way that you find particularly comfortable. Too bad, I say!
I think you should leave it alone for a while and when new positions become the norm, instead of a freakish thing she had to really work herself up towards, then perhaps you can broach the subject and tell her how enjoyable you find her. Build on the positive.
As long as she is communicating somehow with you, I'd leave it alone. The only thing I'd find intolerable would be silence and no discernable change in behavior.
IOW, don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Come on, you're a mountain man, I shouldn't have to tell you this.
-- she DOESN'T like to talk about controversial subjects; and yet -- she WON'T do something that's uncomfortable for her unless you throw down a serious gauntlet; and yet -- she loves me very much.
I suspect the same is true with your wife. She loves you, knows from your letter how serious you are about this, and yet she's chosen to quietly ACT on it, rather than talk about it.
I would go along with it, encourage her on her newfound variation, yet try to keep things LIGHT and HOT HEAVY. I think the mistake I've made in the past is that I want to have some big, heavy, drawn-out conversation about all of this -- in an effort to "understand" her motivations, and perhaps keep doing whatever it was that I did to encourage her behavior in the first place -- but it backfired.
Her "reward," it would seem, might be the lack of a heavy convo if she gives you some of what you want.
You’re quite right, of course. She IS communicating. And I AM enjoying it. It’s just hard for me to accept it without understanding it.
I know that I went in into this at length last May, but it’s very hard for me to just “let it go”. I have a really hard time making my mind stop questioning why things changed. If it’s something I did, I don’t want to overdo it, but I do want to continue doing it. Likewise, if it’s something I said, I want to say it some more. If it’s something I didn’t do, I want to make sure I don’t do it anymore.
I have empirical evidence in our (almost) weekly LM that just because I don’t understand it doesn’t mean that it won’t continue. But it’s still something that I have a hard with. I really want to understand. I know better than to press her on it, so I come here to see if any of you have an idea about what’s going on.
I love that she did this. And I’ll admit that fear is a big part of why I feel the need to understand it: I’m afraid of messing it up. W is obviously very touchy about sex. She refused to even discuss it at either MC that we saw. I know that I can’t really talk to her about this new development, and I know how touchy she is. So I’m afraid that I’ll unintentionally do or say something that reverses the progress. That’s why I feel so driven to understand what brought about the change.
I’m going to do what you suggest and just go with it. But it ain’t gonna be easy.
WB, I'm not sure why she changed suddenly last May, but I'll bet the new position thing was a direct result of both the letter and you pushing her for a response. So you, my friend, are the catalyst. No need to look further.
As far as last May goes, when did you start coming here? Is it possible that she reads your threads?
