I know that I sometimes come across as being defeatist, but I sometimes feel that way. You see, we've been married for over 29 years and many times I really do feel like I've tried everything. I've tried waiting. It doesn't work. She won't ever respond.
W and I talk a lot. We have excellent communication about day-to-day mundane things. We can and do talk about all kinds of things. The radio silence only comes up with something I would call serious. In fact, upon further reflection, it seems like she clams up when it comes to change. I’ve mentioned money, sex, moving, job changes, and maybe a couple of other things, but I’ve just now noticed that those aren’t really specific enough.
We’ve talked about money. We don’t have a lot of problem talking about money. Where we have a problem is discussing any changes we need to make in our fiscal behavior. We talked about money when we couldn’t sell our old house and were hemorrhaging savings. What she wouldn’t talk about was what to do about it. My feeling was that anything we did would affect both of us and that we should discuss it before doing anything. She would talk about the problem, but wouldn’t talk about potential solutions. Nothing I tried evoked any response.
Moving was another similar issue. She said that she wanted to move out into the country, but that was as far as it went. She wouldn’t discuss the map of how to get there from here. My recent job offer was the same: she would discuss the pros and cons of changing jobs versus staying where I am, but she wouldn’t offer any opinions or feelings about what I should do. She would readily talk about the additional 40K in salary, or the benefits, or the exponential increase in stress, or the longer commute, or the relative job security. But when it came down to weighing those things and deciding whether to take the job or not, I got not a peep.
Now that I think about it, it’s always been that way. She may academically discuss the fact that we need a new car, but she won’t discuss what kind of car, what price range, what features, etc. I feel like these are important things for us to talk about because she’s the one that always gets the new car. We’re also not made of money – a more expensive car may mean that we have to give up something else. That affects all of us. She’ll talk about wanting to go back and finish college, but it’s really hard to pin her down on the when, where, what major, how are we going to pay for it, and things like that. We’ve discussed moving away from Texas to somewhere a little cooler. We both hate Texas summers and would willingly trade off some of our nice winters for more tolerable summers. But when it goes beyond general climatic likes and dislikes, she clams up. Should I start looking for a job somewhere else? Where would you like to go? How much cold are you willing to accept? No answers.
I’m running low on examples here, but the point is that she’ll talk about any subject but sex. Where we run into problems is trying to discuss changes. And that has me wondering about sex too. Is sex really a different subject unto itself, or is sex just something else where she sees a need for change?
I don’t know. I’ve spent nearly thirty years trying to get her to talk. I’ve tried pestering her. I’ve tried begging. I’ve tried restating the questions in slightly different terms. I’ve tried asking here to respond at some later date after she’s had time to think about the question(s). I’ve tried just dropping the subject in the hopes that she’ll see the need to discuss it and will bring it up herself. I’ve tried mentioning something periodically to let her know that I still see it as an issue but am refraining from pushing her. I’ve tried various lengths of waiting periods. In most things, jobs, cars, houses, etc., I end up making a decision with no input from her. But in some areas (sex), I can’t do anything without her cooperation.
The V-day letter thing isn’t really a problem we need to discuss. It doesn’t require any change either. It’s just that things have gotten so much better between us this past year that I felt compelled to tell her how much I love her and how much things have changed for me. I probably set myself up for this by thinking that with all the improvements in the R, she would respond in kind by saying, “ILY too”, or “I’m glad you’re so happy”. At this point, I would even take, “I can’t believe that you’re such an arrogant pr!ck that you think things are better just because YOU are happier.” But the total lack of response has just yanked the rug out from under my feet. Again.
