Last night after going out to dinner and having a few drinks. W and I had a good time. Then after we get home I start a fight because my B-day expectations were not going to get met. BIG BABY. I got the famous line "You have not changed" I did say some pretty mean things, it was the drinking. She said you'll be apoligizing in the morning. I told her "No I wouldn't". Ended up on the couch. I did tell her before I went to sleep on the couch the truth, I was just being a baby because I didn't get my way ML.
This morning I called and told her I had a really nice time last night and then I blew it and I'm sorry. She said I thought you weren't going to say I'm sorry. I told her that if I didn't call and say I was sorry then there would be a problem. She was busy getting dressed and said she would call me later. I said ILU and she said ILU2. She sounded like last nights fight wasn't a big deal. I wonder what is going on here?
Communication skills are better? Me admiting that I was picking a fight because I didn't get what I wanted
She doesn't hold on to her anger like before? The holy spirit
She has realized to much work to hold onto anger?
She has realized that she Loves me?
I'm a good DB'er - I did back off last night before it got out of hand. When she asked me to go to the couch, I gave her very little resistance. Respected her wishes.
She knows that I am sorry for being a jerk? She knew I was sorry before I was ready to say it.
More stuff to post - This is for my own personal gain
Just heard on Christain radio that anger is a very controlling behavior.
So I called W at her work and did a little smaill talk, but then I told her I still feel bad about last night. She then gets angry saying "You Should" and was rude. We pretty much hung up without saying goodbye. Then I send her this email:
why are u using anger to get what you want?
Tell me what you want honey and i will do it. Then you don't have to be controlling and angry.
What happens? My phone rings 5 minutes later and my sweet W is back. Just talked about S5 and T-ball and marriage class tonight. I felt I was taking a chance by sending that email. It could have made her more angry. I think she got the point. The point is I love her and I do feel bad, so don't make it worse.
I'm guilty of using anger to get what I want, but not nearly as bad as I use to be in the past. I still get from W that I'm controlling when we are fighting(I'm working on that and I know I'm improved). I'm hoping she remember's that email for awhile because she has the same controlling behaviors.
Goals for the week-
Wait for ILU's first - 180 - keeps her on her toes
Continue to work on myself
Really listening and asking questions on her true feelings.
Get tax return back and plan Vegas trip for W and I. No S5
If you act like a doormat you will be a doormat
If you act like a victim you will be a victim
If you act Classy you will be Classy - Bull Durham
The way you act is who you are!!!! Do you like who you are?
Last night W shows up 1 1/2 hours late from work drunk off her a**. So much for marriage class at the church. Sounds like something I would pull. I was not happy. In her drunken state her story change 4 times where she was. I got the I'm sorry I Love you just hold me. I gave out the just give me space, she isn't a good DB'er drunk. Hugging, Kissing, wanting to cuddle. I understand more now about giving space. I just wanted her off of me. Then we move to the puking and crying stage in the crazy world. Thru my anger comes love, so I hold her hair while she is puking and clean up the puke afterwords and I'm not nearly as mad. She starts telling me how bad I hurt her before she moved out and how I don't love her and how she is lonely. I'm hugging her the whole time about 30 minutes. Then she passes out. What do I find next? Text message from same OM from work saying "Thanks". Time to wake up the drunk. I am pi**ed. Continued to drill her about her whereabouts and who she was with? Her story has been the same for hours. FF from work and 2 big beers and 1 Long Island Iced Tea. She doesn't drink much and the 1 LIIT did her in because she just doesn't understand the 4 white liquors in a LIIT. So I figure this is 8 drinks in my W in an hour. No wonder she is puking. I'm still pi**ed and shaking telling her she has broken my trust for the last time. She tells me that OM called about some job in a nearby town and she helped him. She doesn't know I checked her text messages. This would explain the Thanks. I still didn't want her to touch me - Crying, begging, pleading at one point she start answering every question I asked her with I LOVE YOU H. She will not leave me alone to have some space to digest this night. She had me pretty conviced that she wasn't doing anything that wrong or out with OM. She was voicing her concern about being so scared of losing me and she was feeling sorry for herself and drank to much. Makes sense, I've done that before. She did offer to quit her job today, if I wanted her 2. She was very hurt by the fight on my B-DAY
This morning the phone calls start - I LOVE YOU I'm so sorry do you forgive me? I can't find my purse or cell phone? I told her I don't know where your purse is but your cell phone is in your car with a text message from OM.
Calls back 5 minutes later and says "I swear I wasn't with yesterday and the Thanks must be for helping him out with work." On some level I believe her. Am I stupid?
Let this one go, akron. She's right. She was lonely, and depressed, and had to go get shi!!y for a minute. You said yourself, it's something you have done too... And the Text from the OM was innocent, or at least it's not implicating. It could be thanks for anything. Maybe it's time to talk to HIM about no contact, or maybe the BOTH of them about no contact. I don't know if that's good DB'ing, maybe it's bad advice. Any other people want to weigh in?
Also just have to mention - you said a couple posts back that you have been guilty of using your anger to get what you want, and you wanted to prevent your W from doing the same... Now it's your turn. If there's something you want her to do- well, maybe you can take your own advice that you gave to her. Just a thought.
My suggestion? If she calls back with another "I love you can you forgive me?" Answer her "I love you too and of course I forgive you. Want to go out tonight for some hair of the dog?"
Thanks for your posts.
Any chance you could answer my questions from a few days ago re: your W's headspace at the start of the separation?
I did forgive her last night. She is just as scared as I am.
Here ya go MT. Might wanna start your own thread, because going back and reviewing advice and progress is alot easier
Quote: I've seen many improvements since I started, and I was wondering what was your W's headspace when you first separated? At the start of your post (Tough Love) she was calling every day, and you had just "gone dark" and she was then calling 15 times a day. When you first separated, was she continuing to call? My W was dead set that she wanted a D, no chance for us. Still now she doesn't want to reconcile, but I haven't brought it up in two weeks, neither has she. Was your sitch seeming hopeless at the start? At separation time was it "trial separation" or wsa she ready for D? I'd love to hear you say "Yeah dude, we were looking bleak!" Because I feel my sitch was bleak, and could use the hope!
She moved to her parents house after our 3rd consuling session and I came clean about talking to XG over the years. She already had kissed OM 3 weeks earlier which I knew about. I came clean out of honesty and spite. I don't think I did that much begging. She had gone to her parents for a few days at a time over the years. Before I would just be a doormat and be nice and she would come back. Not this time. Her fame of mind was "I don't need to be dependant on you anymore and be treated like sh*t". She was still very friendly and we spent almost everynight doing things together, but then she and S5 would go to her parents. She said she was dead set on a Divorce. 1 month in I got the book "Stop your divorce". 2 months is when I started posting and I shold have learned then going dark was working, but I didn't have D Rememdy yet. I got an email after that 15 day call, to stop ignoring her. Ignoring her drove her crazy, it hits you hard when you get ignored. You can do more with silence than any words. In that book it stated that a W doesn't feel like she is losing her husband by getting a divorce because he is so needy and clingy. 1 month into the Separation I got a dissolution propasal from her lawyer, stating sign here or your WAW will file for divorce in 2 weeks. I went to a L and filed first. The day I got those papers I was a mess. I helped her move into her apartment the same day. It was over for her. The book also states that she said "she would love you forever and she has changed her mind" "So she can change it back" It was when i got Divorce Rememdy that things really started turning around. I started to pay attention to what was working and what wasn't. Then the book "Love Must be Tough" got my confidence back to 100%. Going dark is what works for me, your W loves you she is just very hurt and sees you as weak.
She did tell me it was her that had to come to that decesion to reconcile. She said there was nothing I could have done. So it was me enforcing that space and letting her know what divorce really is like. I raised my bar of execelance and expected the same from her. It was very bleak. 3 months in I just woke up one morning and said this is unbelievable, but real.
I showed this web site to W last night and told her of my posts. She didn't want to look and called me an exhibitionist. She didn't want to read any of it. So W if you ever do read this, I've done all of this because I TRUELY LOVE YOU and have never been happier. And Dbing works!!!! I hope you like your new pink coach purse I bought you last night.
This is an email i sent my lovely W today:
> Exhibitionist=the act or practice of behaving so as to attract attention to oneself
>
>
> Takes one to know one!!!!
>
>
> I LOVE YOU - That is funny, so don't get mad. I am being an exhibitionist right now.
I am constantly hurt by your actions. I, however, do not make it my
> quest in life to rub them into your face. There is nothing going on
> between OM and me. I don't know how else to explain that to you. I
> left because you were not a good husband. You can blame it on whatever
> you want to, but that's not the case.
> I love you and I want to be with you. You need to start dealing with
> the real issues in our marriage, not the ones you think exist.
>
> I love you and I'm not trying to be mean.
W
>
> "There is nothing going on
> between OM and me."
>
>
> There was and i don't know how to deal with it
>
ME
>
>
> >
>
>
>
I don't know how to defend a friendship, and the thing is, there is no
acceptable way to you that I can. All I can do is listen to you and try
not to get pissed.
W
She then called and asked if that was working. I told her No it is only making it worse.
Then I get this email:
I love you. I'm sorry for past hurts.
W
I made an appt for C. I see this as my problem at this point and I don't know how to deal with it. I think time and the ability to express my feelings to my W might be the only way. I can't continue to beat her up, so that's why C.
Other than moments of resentment things are great. I did send her a dozen roses, that should be delievered this afternoon.
