H admitted today that he read one of my journals from when he was gone. Said he was hurt by one of my comments where I said, "This would be easier if he was dead." I told him I just meant that if you had died at least I knew you died and still loved me. That you did not just leave me and not love me anymore."
We did talk about OW today. I am going to back off and not mention her I will just act "as if" she doesn't exist like I did before. He got frustrated and said why are you always talking about it? I said " you are the one bringing her into our relationship because you won't leave her alone or tell her that you want your marriage back."
Well now he's out cooling down. We agreed that I would pick him up later. And we agreed on a time limit. So I will take that as some baby steps. While he is gone I will not call him I will let him have his space. He said earlier that I'm smothering him and yes I have to admit I have been so I need to relax and back off a little.
I went ahead today and looked at the same journal my H told me that he read. I saw how low and unattainable things seemed 4 months ago. One of my goals was to have him home by May and look I had him home Jan 19th. So that is some progress. And I will look at this thing w/ OW as a little bump in the road for now. My husband has never been one to lie to me before and when he has I've been able to see through it. He is the one who told me about OW and this was at the start of their relationship. OW happened Oct 16 2004 and he had moved out nov 3, 2004. Came back home Jan 19 2005 so all of this has moved rather quickly back and forth. I will just need to still be prepared for the roller coaster.
I believe H is also dealing w/ the gremlins of what happened. such as guilt said he didn't feel like he was connecting w/ the kids. He said he also is trying to make up for not giving me any money or helping in any way.
Well I will just be hopeful and look on the bright side of things.
I am seeing a counsler and she had advised that I just work on me and the kids do things for us and not worry about him. She would probably not advise me to do a dobson letter because she believes that you can't make any one do what they don't want to. My H will need to let go of OW on his own for now he knows where I stand. Thanks again for all the advice! If you have any more advice I'll take it. ~inawe~
