he said... "I must say that your gift was wonderful. The time you spent, the work that went into it, that was great. I loved it." The problem was that his voice sounded funny. At the end, he added, "your gift out did mine, that is for sure."
That is what is bothering me. I feel that he feels I one upped him, and I did not want to do that. Also, he seemed to be very grateful for the 50 things that I thanked him for and didn't say much about the chocolate descriptions. That kind of embarrassed me because I think I was too mushy. Darn!! Oh well. I can't take it back now. I actually think describing each year like I did made him think of the past--mistake on my part.
Whoa!
I've put part of my post in boldface to highlight where typically our reasoning gets distorted:
You're discounting all the positives and magnifying some assumptions and taking them personally, and that's why you're experiencing those bothersome feelings.
He expressed very warm appreciation for your gift. He obviously considered the time and effort you put into it and appreciated that very much as well. Thus, his comment about your gift "outdoing" his is a compliment to you.
What it appears you're doing is this: you're putting a negative spin on his compliment. And even though you acknowledge that he seemed very grateful for the 50 things you cited, because he just did not happen to mention the chocolate descriptions, you're zeroing in on that and making an assumption of why he didn't and jumping to a conclusion about finding fault with you. You're also magnifying that negative assumption and letting it override all the appreciation he's expressing on other aspects of your gift.
You also see his writing the date on the card as his "trying to chronicle our lives together so we have it to look back on in the future", which is another assumption over a little detail that you're magnifying and completely overlooking what he wrote in the card, namely: "I'm so glad I met you 10 years ago. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I love you." which means so much more than his writing a date on it!
I was originally going to send him the thank you list and a Top Billboards hit CD from the year we met until my friend got me sidetracked. I should have stuck to my original plan!
Not that the chocolate idea wasn't great, and I thought it was a wonderful, thoughtful gift, BTW. I mean, I said "wow!" when I read what you created... but when we get into "should'ves", that's a trap in our thinking because unless we can predict the future, we don't really know how anything would work out, so thinking "should'ves" only serves to beat ourselves up.
Thanks NYSurvivor for your post. You are right—I am magnifying the negative in my situation. I can be good at doing that sometimes. Your post and everyone’s posts have helped me so much. I don’t think I would realize what I realized this weekend if it weren’t for you guys telling me how my thinking is misconstrued in areas. It helps me see things more clearly. Thanks.
I have had a huge lightbulb moment. I have been unpacking and found a letter written to me from ex in Nov 2001. My bomb was Nov 2003.
I found a letter that ex gave to me two years before the bomb. The weird thing is that I should have taken this letter written to me two years before the bomb as “the bomb”. I was so messed up on those pain pills though and so completely out of reality than I stayed in denial and couldn’t see what was glaring like a neon sign right before my eyes. You all are going to die when I you read you parts of this letter that ex wrote to me two years before the bomb.
What I consider “the bomb” – Nov 2003 ex filed for divorce This letter was written – Nov 2001
Real quick, so you know: In Nov 2001, the drug addiction was beginning to take control of our lives. Knowing what I know today, it was very out of hand. Ex and I had probably been physically addicted to the pills for less than a month. Once physically addicted, the amount we took sky rocketed over a very short period of time.
In Nov 2001 while I was visiting my mom, ex told me that he didn’t want me to come home and that we needed a break. I was furious and felt deeply betrayed by ex. In my mind things were not bad. Whatever! I was crazy! I lived with my mom for two months and actually did an outpatient rehab program. Back at home, ex’s addiction took a turn for the worse. Before Nov, I was a total winch about ex’s mom. I would nag and complain about his family’s intrusiveness constantly.
This is bits and pieces of the letter ex gave to me in Nov 2001:
“There is no easy way to begin or write this letter. I will start with what is obvious, I love you very much. I always have and no matter what happens, a part of me always will. I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am for the way or manner in which I have done this. I have thought long and hard about it and realized that there is simply no easy way. The best I can ever do is try to make things as easy on you as possible. This does not mean we are getting a divorce. I will do my best to explain my intentions and feelings in this letter.”
He then goes on to explain that my griping about his family has taken its toll on him. He does not mention the drug abuse as the problem in any way. He says he can’t handle the arguments about his family anymore and that I have said things that he may be able to forgive but will never forget. You can tell he gets angrier as the letter continues….
He continues….
“I am trying to make things better for both of us. I hope you can see that but if you cannot, I don’t know what to say. I do know for sure that neither one of us wants our lives to continue this way any longer. When we first met, I thought you were one of the happiest people I had ever met. That happiness only overcame me as I became closer to you, and you made me feel like the most wonderful person on earth. I cannot stop sobbing as I try to read the keys on this computer. I don’t know where it went so wrong, but we have lost any happiness that remained. I feel like I have ruined you. No matter where we move, no matter what we do, we cannot repair the damage that has been done. The things you have said to me may be forgivable, but they are not forgettable. I know you resent me, and I really believe you do not like me. I wish I could tell you of my unending love for you, but I can’t.”
That last sentence, “I wish I could tell you of my unending love for you, but I can’t.”, I didn’t even see. I was in so much denial, and my mind was so clouded by drugs that I actually believed that he must have made a typo when it was written! I swear to God I never saw that sentence until I found this letter while unpacking yesterday.
Talk about a lightbulb moment! My husband has been miserable forever. He has held on forever. Boy oh boy. Guys I was a real big witch.
When this all happened in Nov 2001, I went into rehab, stayed sober for two months, came back home and stayed sober for about another month. Once home, I stopped the griping about his mother completely. I thought this would do the trick in our relationship. Ex was still using and had no intention of stopping anytime soon. In fact, things just got more and more out of control for him.
I cannot believe this is my life as I type this. Wow!
The last few sentences of the letter said:
“I am so sorry this happened this way; I hope you can someday forgive me. If we go our separate ways, I will never, not for a minute, regret any of the time I spent with you. I cannot stop crying. I love you very much.”
When I initially went home after this separation two years before the bomb, we went to a counselor two times and then quit because I hated her. I asked her why do I have to do all the work, and she said because your H wants to divorce you. I was like uhhhh…… he doesn’t want to divorce me, he loves me. Can you believe! I didn’t get it, and I didn’t want to get it. I was that far gone from reality.
That counselor did stink though. She knew about our addictions and just acted like oh well and didn’t even mention it as the problem. What!!!!!!!!!! She acted like husband was some saint, and I was the only one wrong. All that did was make me defend myself even more. H was the one going to doctors and getting the drugs. He was no saint that is for sure, and she didn’t even address this with him once. He is very good at schmoozing people too which just inflamed my anger even more.
So anyway, I ended going back home after a two month separation, and our addictions continued for two more years until ex filed for divorce in Nov 2003. In 2003, I came home to an empty house with a guy knocking on my door with divorce papers. I was crushed and even more shocked than the first time, if you can believe it. The good thing that came out of it was my sobriety.
Finding that letter has really opened my eyes. I see ex so differently all of a sudden. I see how miserable he was and how long he held onto hope. I know that he should have realized that he could have done things differently especially as far as the drugs were concerned, but I could have too.
It helps me see H this way. Before, I was seeing him as someone that has a lot of faults. Now it is easier to forgive him even more that I already have. I feel really bad about the way I treated him. I am not saying he didn’t do anything wrong, I just understand why he did it. I also see that I would have probably done the same if I were in his shoes. The whole thing makes me sad really. We were given so many signs that we needed to change, but we just wouldn’t see it. Now we have to pick up the pieces of our lives that we shattered all by ourselves. What a mess.
I have been reliving the fact that ex had an online emotional affair that started three months before ex filed for divorce in Nov 2003. I was telling my mom about the online affair. She told me to let it go. She said in his mind the marriage was over for good. She told me that I need to not mention the online affair ever again. I think she is right.
I think in your sit. it was ok. I wouldn't consider it backsliding. Once in awhile a little persuing is good. Everday persuing would overwhelm them and drive the person away.
How are you doing? Have you had any additional feedback from your H?
I ended up speaking to ex after I found the letter that I told you all about. I pretty much told him the same thing that I told you about me not understanding how long he had been miserable. I apologized for my behavior. He listened and responded positively to the fact that I understood how hard this all has been on him. He then brought up the online affair he had had. I did not bring it up in any way. He said he had been thinking about it, and he told me that he didn't do it to hurt me. He went on to say that he just felt dead inside for a long time, and emailing her was exciting. He said again how he felt dead inside for quite awhile. I softly responded, "I know, I know."
I do understand how he probably felt dead inside. It still kind of upsets me that he chose an online affair to make himself feel better. I know I wasn’t in his shoes, but I don’t think I would have ever taken that outlet to feel alive again. Maybe he did it out of built up resentment and did it so he could purposely hurt me. I can see where he was coming from just a tiney-bit. I was engaged to a guy before I met ex. I really grew to hate this guy towards the end. I never cheated on him, but I did start to flirt a lot with a guy at my work. Actually, the interaction with this guy at my work was what gave me the courage to call off the wedding with the other guy. I must defend myself and say this guy was a jerk. Maybe it was like that with ex-husband. I am just trying to understand what he could have been thinking. Do you think ex just has less moral fiber? I just don’t see me being the kind of person to ever cheat while being married to someone. Who knows?
Ex had to go out of town, and he called me each night he was away. His aunt died and he went with his mother to pack up her stuff and put the house up for sale. It was an exhausting weekend for the two of them. Ex is now three days behind at the office because of it too.
Ex called the night he got home, and we had a very pleasant conversation. We spoke for over an hour. During the conversation ex mentioned the place we used to live and said, "I really have no desire to go back there. Maybe when we have kids we can visit our old friends every now and then but that is it." He mentioned doing things with our future kids twice in that conversation. He will do this from time to time but hasn't in a while. I took this as a very big positive.
Sunday evening ex did not call so I called him. He was in a very, very bad mood. I have been trying to be less controlling and getting my way so I told him that I wanted to say goodnight and said I would talk to him tomorrow. He told me he wanted to talk and kept me on the phone. I asked him if he wanted to talk about what was bothering him. He sounded very distressed. He said that being out of town has gotton him very behind at work and he is very stressed about it. He then said, “it is also other things.” By the sound in his voice I assumed he was low on pain pills and probably irritable because of this. I probably shouldn’t have, but I asked him if he was out of pills or something because of his mood.
Recapp: Ex's two physicians found out somehow that he had two physicians and they both told him they cannot see him any longer. Because of this, his pain pill supply was terminated. He was suppossed to run out about a month ago.
He then responded, “I’ll tell you what is happening with the pills.” Remember I had seen on his phone bill that he had faxed a new physician his medical records. He then admitted this to me without me saying what I already knew. I see this as a positive. He then went on to tell me that when he got his medical records he saw that someone called the doctor’s office and told them about his situation. I just don’t think this is true. I don’t know who would have done this to him. I certaintly did not. I told him this and he tried to convince me that he knew I wouldn’t do something like that. I don’t think he truly believes me though. I told him that that goes against what I learned in Alanon and that I would never do something like that. I told him that if and when he wants to get sober, it is his decision alone. We talked some more and then he told me that he would call me tomorrow and that he will be in a much better mood. I stayed positive, told him that I hoped he felt better and hung up the phone.
That is where things are as of now. I’ll post more later.
Sam, This may seem a little harsh and maybe its because I've basically given up, but think about this.
Do you feel like you are in eternal limbo? I mean he talks about having kids with you? Not that thats a bad thing, but to two of you are divorced right? Its been almost 2 years since the bomb right? In that 2 years have you made real progress with your relationship? I consider a relationship, spending quality time with someone, have you spent quality time with him? Does he seem interested in whats going on in your life?
Maybe its because I've all but given up, but I say you need some distance from him. You seem to really be there for him alot, is he there for you, ever? Are you enabling him by being there for him?
I think it does only take one person to get the relationship going down the right path, but can we really make it work by ourselves and for how long? I've been waiting over a year, and I'm tired. Tired of waiting for someone who has no interest in me.
I should have said something a couple weeks ago when you were talking about getting him a present for your anniversary. I ran across this with my XW, she didnt want a present from me for her B-day, and definetly didnt want one for our anniversary. I really didnt want to give her anything for our anniversary, because it just didnt seem right. I thought, yes the past was great, we celebrated our relationship each year, but now you nolonger want to have a R with me so, we shouldnt really celebrate. I get her a present that the boys help me pick out, for mothers day, xmas and her B-day. The past is the past, I see that now. It was great, but what about now, what about the future?
Maybe I should keep my trap shut, but as I've read over the past coupld of weeks, its whats come to mind. If nothing else think about what I've said here.
When is the last time you went out and did something fun?
Things are going really well for me personally. I think I am going to get into this program. I wish I could say what it is, but I am very paranoid about someone putting two and two together and seeing my posts. Let's just say that my future is very, very bright and I am very, very blessed. I am so friggin excited.
Things with ex are going really well too. He sent my nephew a gift for Halloween. This is something very new. He is in major sucking up mode with my family. It is cute. It is funny to see a man put a gift together for a kid! I also had to go out of town, and he called and upgraded my hotel to a nicer one that was closer to my appointment. He also asked for my assistance on a certain aspect of his business and gave me his personal passwords so I could do the work. Last night he told me, "You have been so good to me time and time again. You are the best person I have ever known."
Hope,
I appreciate your concern but things just aren't the way you think they are. I appreciate your advice anyway though. Take care.
P.S. During my recent travel, three different men (I swear to God!!) asked me out. I am not exagerrating at all. They were all people I wouldn't be attracted to if I were interested, but it was good for my ego. It must be the constant smile I have across my face because of the success in my career and the fact that ex and I are getting along so well.
I'm with JDD - its great to see you enjoying such positives in your sitch.
That is an interesting point - the WAS in some sort of make-up mode with his/her ILs. There are many challenges to overcome in an attempted reconciliation, but the reward far outweighs these costs (I hope!!).
You keep taking great care of yourself. Congrats on getting into your program.
I know I haven't posted in ages. Just felt there wasn't too much to post. The new year has made me do a lot of thinking and put things at a breaking point for me. Yes, I know ex regrets the divorce, yes, I know ex wishes we were still married, yes, I know ex loves me alot, but even with all this, it isn't enough. His addiction is the only thing that fuels him these days--I have to put down boundaries or I will piss my life away praying things will change. I haven't given up hope--I don't know if I will ever be able to do that. However, I am at a point where doing things like I used to do them feels very wrong. Today, acting aloof towards ex and starting to look at other options feels very right. It is so easy to go dark these days and it actually feels good to do so. I don't worry if going dark is the wrong thing to do anymore because ex's life has really very little to do with my actions. That is something new, and I am actually grateful that I can look back on the time that I did have with ex and smile. I am grateful that I had him in my life the amount of time that I did, yet I also realize that my life with him in it may have to come to an end. He still calls and tells me that we will be together soon--as soon as he has the free time to detox and enter treatment. I don't say much back to him, and he seems more depressed than in a panic that he might lose me. It is like he has given up hope on his own life. It is time for me to back far, far away and let him figure out things on his own. I should have probably done it a long time ago but I just wasn't ready to take that leap.
I see that many have moved on to Surviving such as Greekgodess and Gabriel and JDD too. I also see that things with Just-me changed practically overnight. Hope everyone is doing well. Take care, Sam
