I ended up speaking to ex after I found the letter that I told you all about. I pretty much told him the same thing that I told you about me not understanding how long he had been miserable. I apologized for my behavior. He listened and responded positively to the fact that I understood how hard this all has been on him. He then brought up the online affair he had had. I did not bring it up in any way. He said he had been thinking about it, and he told me that he didn't do it to hurt me. He went on to say that he just felt dead inside for a long time, and emailing her was exciting. He said again how he felt dead inside for quite awhile. I softly responded, "I know, I know."
I do understand how he probably felt dead inside. It still kind of upsets me that he chose an online affair to make himself feel better. I know I wasn’t in his shoes, but I don’t think I would have ever taken that outlet to feel alive again. Maybe he did it out of built up resentment and did it so he could purposely hurt me. I can see where he was coming from just a tiney-bit. I was engaged to a guy before I met ex. I really grew to hate this guy towards the end. I never cheated on him, but I did start to flirt a lot with a guy at my work. Actually, the interaction with this guy at my work was what gave me the courage to call off the wedding with the other guy. I must defend myself and say this guy was a jerk. Maybe it was like that with ex-husband. I am just trying to understand what he could have been thinking. Do you think ex just has less moral fiber? I just don’t see me being the kind of person to ever cheat while being married to someone. Who knows?
Ex had to go out of town, and he called me each night he was away. His aunt died and he went with his mother to pack up her stuff and put the house up for sale. It was an exhausting weekend for the two of them. Ex is now three days behind at the office because of it too.
Ex called the night he got home, and we had a very pleasant conversation. We spoke for over an hour. During the conversation ex mentioned the place we used to live and said, "I really have no desire to go back there. Maybe when we have kids we can visit our old friends every now and then but that is it." He mentioned doing things with our future kids twice in that conversation. He will do this from time to time but hasn't in a while. I took this as a very big positive.
Sunday evening ex did not call so I called him. He was in a very, very bad mood. I have been trying to be less controlling and getting my way so I told him that I wanted to say goodnight and said I would talk to him tomorrow. He told me he wanted to talk and kept me on the phone. I asked him if he wanted to talk about what was bothering him. He sounded very distressed. He said that being out of town has gotton him very behind at work and he is very stressed about it. He then said, “it is also other things.” By the sound in his voice I assumed he was low on pain pills and probably irritable because of this. I probably shouldn’t have, but I asked him if he was out of pills or something because of his mood.
Recapp: Ex's two physicians found out somehow that he had two physicians and they both told him they cannot see him any longer. Because of this, his pain pill supply was terminated. He was suppossed to run out about a month ago.
He then responded, “I’ll tell you what is happening with the pills.” Remember I had seen on his phone bill that he had faxed a new physician his medical records. He then admitted this to me without me saying what I already knew. I see this as a positive. He then went on to tell me that when he got his medical records he saw that someone called the doctor’s office and told them about his situation. I just don’t think this is true. I don’t know who would have done this to him. I certaintly did not. I told him this and he tried to convince me that he knew I wouldn’t do something like that. I don’t think he truly believes me though. I told him that that goes against what I learned in Alanon and that I would never do something like that. I told him that if and when he wants to get sober, it is his decision alone. We talked some more and then he told me that he would call me tomorrow and that he will be in a much better mood. I stayed positive, told him that I hoped he felt better and hung up the phone.
That is where things are as of now. I’ll post more later.
