Thanks NYSurvivor for your post. You are right—I am magnifying the negative in my situation. I can be good at doing that sometimes. Your post and everyone’s posts have helped me so much. I don’t think I would realize what I realized this weekend if it weren’t for you guys telling me how my thinking is misconstrued in areas. It helps me see things more clearly. Thanks.
I have had a huge lightbulb moment. I have been unpacking and found a letter written to me from ex in Nov 2001. My bomb was Nov 2003.
I found a letter that ex gave to me two years before the bomb. The weird thing is that I should have taken this letter written to me two years before the bomb as “the bomb”. I was so messed up on those pain pills though and so completely out of reality than I stayed in denial and couldn’t see what was glaring like a neon sign right before my eyes. You all are going to die when I you read you parts of this letter that ex wrote to me two years before the bomb.
What I consider “the bomb” – Nov 2003 ex filed for divorce This letter was written – Nov 2001
Real quick, so you know: In Nov 2001, the drug addiction was beginning to take control of our lives. Knowing what I know today, it was very out of hand. Ex and I had probably been physically addicted to the pills for less than a month. Once physically addicted, the amount we took sky rocketed over a very short period of time.
In Nov 2001 while I was visiting my mom, ex told me that he didn’t want me to come home and that we needed a break. I was furious and felt deeply betrayed by ex. In my mind things were not bad. Whatever! I was crazy! I lived with my mom for two months and actually did an outpatient rehab program. Back at home, ex’s addiction took a turn for the worse. Before Nov, I was a total winch about ex’s mom. I would nag and complain about his family’s intrusiveness constantly.
This is bits and pieces of the letter ex gave to me in Nov 2001:
“There is no easy way to begin or write this letter. I will start with what is obvious, I love you very much. I always have and no matter what happens, a part of me always will. I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am for the way or manner in which I have done this. I have thought long and hard about it and realized that there is simply no easy way. The best I can ever do is try to make things as easy on you as possible. This does not mean we are getting a divorce. I will do my best to explain my intentions and feelings in this letter.”
He then goes on to explain that my griping about his family has taken its toll on him. He does not mention the drug abuse as the problem in any way. He says he can’t handle the arguments about his family anymore and that I have said things that he may be able to forgive but will never forget. You can tell he gets angrier as the letter continues….
He continues….
“I am trying to make things better for both of us. I hope you can see that but if you cannot, I don’t know what to say. I do know for sure that neither one of us wants our lives to continue this way any longer. When we first met, I thought you were one of the happiest people I had ever met. That happiness only overcame me as I became closer to you, and you made me feel like the most wonderful person on earth. I cannot stop sobbing as I try to read the keys on this computer. I don’t know where it went so wrong, but we have lost any happiness that remained. I feel like I have ruined you. No matter where we move, no matter what we do, we cannot repair the damage that has been done. The things you have said to me may be forgivable, but they are not forgettable. I know you resent me, and I really believe you do not like me. I wish I could tell you of my unending love for you, but I can’t.”
That last sentence, “I wish I could tell you of my unending love for you, but I can’t.”, I didn’t even see. I was in so much denial, and my mind was so clouded by drugs that I actually believed that he must have made a typo when it was written! I swear to God I never saw that sentence until I found this letter while unpacking yesterday.
Talk about a lightbulb moment! My husband has been miserable forever. He has held on forever. Boy oh boy. Guys I was a real big witch.
When this all happened in Nov 2001, I went into rehab, stayed sober for two months, came back home and stayed sober for about another month. Once home, I stopped the griping about his mother completely. I thought this would do the trick in our relationship. Ex was still using and had no intention of stopping anytime soon. In fact, things just got more and more out of control for him.
I cannot believe this is my life as I type this. Wow!
The last few sentences of the letter said:
“I am so sorry this happened this way; I hope you can someday forgive me. If we go our separate ways, I will never, not for a minute, regret any of the time I spent with you. I cannot stop crying. I love you very much.”
When I initially went home after this separation two years before the bomb, we went to a counselor two times and then quit because I hated her. I asked her why do I have to do all the work, and she said because your H wants to divorce you. I was like uhhhh…… he doesn’t want to divorce me, he loves me. Can you believe! I didn’t get it, and I didn’t want to get it. I was that far gone from reality.
That counselor did stink though. She knew about our addictions and just acted like oh well and didn’t even mention it as the problem. What!!!!!!!!!! She acted like husband was some saint, and I was the only one wrong. All that did was make me defend myself even more. H was the one going to doctors and getting the drugs. He was no saint that is for sure, and she didn’t even address this with him once. He is very good at schmoozing people too which just inflamed my anger even more.
So anyway, I ended going back home after a two month separation, and our addictions continued for two more years until ex filed for divorce in Nov 2003. In 2003, I came home to an empty house with a guy knocking on my door with divorce papers. I was crushed and even more shocked than the first time, if you can believe it. The good thing that came out of it was my sobriety.
Finding that letter has really opened my eyes. I see ex so differently all of a sudden. I see how miserable he was and how long he held onto hope. I know that he should have realized that he could have done things differently especially as far as the drugs were concerned, but I could have too.
It helps me see H this way. Before, I was seeing him as someone that has a lot of faults. Now it is easier to forgive him even more that I already have. I feel really bad about the way I treated him. I am not saying he didn’t do anything wrong, I just understand why he did it. I also see that I would have probably done the same if I were in his shoes. The whole thing makes me sad really. We were given so many signs that we needed to change, but we just wouldn’t see it. Now we have to pick up the pieces of our lives that we shattered all by ourselves. What a mess.
I have been reliving the fact that ex had an online emotional affair that started three months before ex filed for divorce in Nov 2003. I was telling my mom about the online affair. She told me to let it go. She said in his mind the marriage was over for good. She told me that I need to not mention the online affair ever again. I think she is right.
