I have kind of a lot to post. I can't believe all that has happened since I was away. Jo and La Esperanza--Wow! Gabrial and JDD, glad to hear from you. I'll touch base soon. Hope, I am so happy to hear from you--I'll pop in on your thread. I have a lot of posting and catching up to do. I'll be caught up with you all eventually--I think.
My family and I had to go out of town for a funeral. The funeral was in the city where I used to live and where ex still lives. My family and I had to stay at my grandfather's "vacation" home. He lives many states away and the person who died is related to my other side of the family so my grandfather wasn't there. He just let us all use his home.
It was so sweet--ex left bags and bags of groceries on our doorstep. He included many of my mom's favorite foods and toiletries we might have forgotton. We were too tired to do anything after arriving so it was so nice to find this on our arrival.
While traveling, I mentioned to my mom that ex may have left some food. She gasped, "I got a phone call about that food. We were wondering who left it." She then joked, "Well, he may have just earned some of the brownie points needed to get on my good side again." My aunt said how nice it was and my other grandparents were silent when they heard who left them. I think my grandparents will hold a grudge for awhile--oh well!
I thanked ex many times for his help. He glowed when I thanked him. I let him know that my mom was grateful, and that made him happy.
Once there, ex asked if he could take me to dinner. When I saw H, he looked great. He seemed very sullen and humble but in a good way. He had lost a lot of weight which was a good sign as far as his addiction was concerned. Those pills made us gain weight and when I detoxed, I lost the weight fast.
Conversation was good. H and I both commented how it was like we haven't even been apart and are starting where we left off. I added that I don’t think of it as starting where we left off and that the last two years have been the most meaningful of our relationship in a weird sort of way. He agreed. We know each other so well and speak every single day. Seeing each other was just comfortable and familiar.
I was pushing to spend the night, but H stayed distant. He finally said out loud, "I know you would like to spend the night, but my place is a mess." I said I understand and for him to not worry about it another second.
We sat outside the restaurant and had a good conversation for about 2 hours. It was all relationship talk, and H mostly initiated it.
Once outside, H started the conversation by looking at me and then starting to cry--I think. It is hard to know if a man is crying for sure. At this time, he reached over and held my hand. He then started talking about how you only get the chance in life one, maybe two times to meet someone that you truly love and get along with well enough to have for a spouse. The conversation went along with this kind of talk for awhile. We just discussed how each of us has no desire to be with anyone else. He then said, "I had my one person and wasted it." I took it as he messed things up between us by filing for divorce until he responded, “I didn’t mean it like that.” This made me think that he unconsciously said that he wasted his one chance by marrying me. I know, I know—I am putting to much thought into every single word. What do you guys think he meant by that?
He said a lot of great things. He pretty much told me that if we don’t get back together, he will never be with anyone else. He told my how much he missed me especially when he has the chance to see me.
Also, in the restaurant, he said aloud that he was having a hot flash. This is what happens during mild withdrawals. This along with his weight loss is a good sign as far as his drug addiction. These are signs that he is running out of pills like he says. He was trying to stretch the supply of pills that he has left as long as possible. This is a good sign that he doesn’t have a new doctor.
Even though he said a lot of great things, he was very distant. He leaned away from me when he spoke, and he wasn’t very affectionate at all. I told him that he seemed distant, and he agreed. He said that he just needed to forget about all of his problems and focus on me for the moment, but it was hard to do. He added that he wasn’t all there in the head because of the drug problem still controlling his life. I told him that I understood.
He is very ashamed of his drug problem especially because I am doing so well in recovery. He will hardly even look me in the eye when the subject is mentioned.
He also added that the situation with his brother stealing from him is causing him an enormous amount of stress, and his family will never be the same because of it. He thinks his mom blames him some for the brother stealing because ex was just awful to work with. The drugs make him a raging lunatic and awful to be around. Also, he said his mom probably just probably expects him to look the other way since he has the money to do so. Ex's family meant the world to him and this is just killing him. He says the brother will not return his calls and he fears the brother stole more than he ever imagined. It is just an awful situation. Sad for everyone involved. I think his mother isn't thinking what ex thinks. I just think the situation is very, very painful.
H is so sad. H is extremely humble and I am so proud of the person he is becoming. He talks about wanting to live a Christian life and raise a good family. This is a miracle. Our lives were all about prestige and keeping up with the Jone’s. I would have never imagined our lives to take this sort of path.
For the most part, things went really well. I came home from dinner and gave my leftovers to my grandmother. She even ate my ex’s leftover food and seemed to soften though she never mentioned his name. I think she liked that I came home after dinner. Everything seemed very respectable and proper in front of my family. I told H all of this, and he said good—that was my goal.
When we left I told H that I wanted him to be honest with me about us. This is my worry……… H filed for divorce without ever telling me he was unhappy. I was clueless. He didn’t tell me because he was afraid to confront me and our problems. Could this be a possibility?
Update since I wrote the above info about three days ago....
I have spoken to ex, and I think my worries mentioned above are futile. I think ex means what he is saying. Last night I was a little too clingy during our conversation and ex always backs off when I do this so I need to give him some space.
Last night he was talking about his business and said, "my business--I mean our business." I thought that was neat since I didn't even realize that he said my business until he corrected himself. I guess things are good for me.
Sounds like you two had a great convo together over the meal. I wouldn't read too much into his distance and grumpiness - as you put it, alot or most of it likely had to do with his current SA struggle. I'm actually glad to see it.
His guilt shows some possible growing empathy and care for you. I'm glad you stopped yourself from analyzing too much.
Oh my God, I can't believe I almost forgot. The sixth is the ten year anniversary of when me and ex met. I have got to get him something and have it delivered or overnighted to arrive by Thursday. He is very big on anniversaries, and I promise he is expecting something.
He would not take it as too much pursuing in any way at all. I need a really great romantic gift. Ideas please!!!!
Story about wedding anniversary before the bomb.....Ex filed for divorce after our fifth wedding anniversary. I was so out of it on pain meds that I completely forgot. At about 9:00 pm on our anniversary, I show up at his office, and he says, "I think you forgot something." Then he brings out a really nice gift for me. He was already having the emotional online affair with other women. I think it just made his guilt less when I forgot this anniversary. He is always good at remembering dates and anniversaries, and things can easily slip my mind if I am not reminded especially when I was on drugs. That anniverary he didn't mention our anniversary for weeks on purpose. Kind of pissed me off really. Yeah, I was wrong, but he was hoping I would forget to ease his guilt. Enough of that.
Gift ideas please!!!!!!! It gets so hard to come up with good gifts after giving gifts year after year. Ten years of knowing each other is kind of an important anniversary. I already screwed up the important five year wedding anniversary. Give me something good!
I am at a place with ex where this is very important to do. I know for a fact in my situation it is a good thing. So...........give me some ideas please.
P.S. It is not a wedding anniversary. It is the anniversary of when we met.
I promise you he will be sending me something and something big. I just took an important test for a graduate program I am trying to enter. When I got home from my test, there was a huge bouquet of flowers for me that included all the flowers in my wedding bouquet. There was also a bouquet of flowers from his mother. Does that make the picture clearer? Help me please!
What ideas can you come up w/regarding how you met? Maybe something that is in regards to the place or setting or something? I'm sorry, I have no other ideas at the moment!
I will try to go in that direction. Good idea. I have a book on how to be romantic somewhere around here. It is packed away in boxes. I can't believe I almost forgot this. Thank God I remembered! It would have been a repeat of the five year wedding anniversary that I forgot. Jeeze!
OK, Here is the scoop. Tell me if you all think this is a back slide and if so, how bad. I can't tell for sure.
Here goes...
Ex sent me jewelry. I always get jewelry from him which I love of course. I hate writing word for word what ex wrote in case someone I know saw my thread, especially ex, but this is the card he enclosed.
It was a cutesy hallmark card that said:
"When I first saw you, I thought, "Wow, great eyes!" "When we first talked, I thought, "Wow, great voice!" "When we first kissed, I thought, "Wow, great lips!" "When we first... Oh yeah, we haven't done that yet...." (With a pen he added below this line, "Well, sure we did. We just did the other 3 within 36 hours of meeting 10 years ago.")
When you open up the card it read...
"Looking forward to the next "Wow!"
He wrote at the bottom...
"Dear Sam,
The only thing I can say is that we have been through a lot the past 10 years. Most all of it has been great, and I would not be the person I am if I had never met you. I'm so glad I met you 10 years ago. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I love you.
Ex"
He also wrote the date at the top. He has never really wrote the date at the top of a card like that. We save every single card or letter we get from anyone. Of course he saved the paper that I wrote my phone number on the day we met. I know I am speculating here, but it is like he is trying to chronicle our lives together so we have it to look back on in the future. I know, I know, I need to stop speculating!
Now for the thing that I did. I think I did too much. I pretty much made the gift I sent to ex. I put together ten different chocolates in a chocolate box, decorated the front of the box with
Ten Assorted Years 10/95 to 10/05 our last name chocolatier
I included a decorated booklet that listed each chocolate, what was in the chocolate and a description of how that chocolate correlated to that year of our lives together. For example, the year the drugs got so out of control, I included a chocolate with nuts because things were pretty nutty. The year our business took off I included a mint covered with dark chocolate because the money was bittersweet and seemed to magnify our problems. The year of our wedding included a pretty white chocolate...etc. It was more in detail than that, but you get the drift. It was pretty mooshy which may have been a mistake, but what the hell. Also, it included mostly happy things. I know I included a lot of negative stuff in the examples I gave but I wanted to list the ones that were most clever.
I can be pretty crafty, and it turned out beautiful. I also included a card (on really pretty stationary of course) and thanked him for 50 specific things that he did for me last year.
Ex's response bothered me some, but I am feeling less and less bothered by it. He called me and thanked me before I got a chance to call and thank him. Our gifts arrived for each other almost at the same times. I didn't answer when he called so he left a message. In it he said, "I want to talk to you in person instead of on the voice mail, but I must say that your gift was wonderful." He then went onto say, "The time you spent, the work that went into it, that was great. I loved it.” The problem was that his voice sounded funny. At the end, he added, "your gift out did mine, that is for sure."
That is what is bothering me. I feel that he feels I one upped him, and I did not want to do that. Also, he seemed to be very grateful for the 50 things that I thanked him for and didn't say much about the chocolate descriptions. That kind of embarrassed me because I think I was too mushy. Darn!! Oh well. I can't take it back now. I actually think describing each year like I did made him think of the past--mistake on my part.
He said, "I love the list of 50 things. That made me feel good about myself."
I was originally going to send him the thank you list and a Top Billboards hit CD from the year we met until my friend got me sidetracked. I should have stuck to my original plan! I got a little carried away. My friend told me to make up a collage of our years together. Thank God I didn't do that! Can you imagine……. And here is a ticket stub to our first movie together, and here is a picture of us on our wedding day, and here is a copy of our divorce decree.....
This post is very detailed, but I am going to post it anyway. I am always so paranoid about someone discovering all the gritty details of my life and figuring out who I am. Here goes…………
