Quote: Also, he has been telling me lately that I have been acting differently and seem to be moving off into my own direction.
I think he's told you his fear. Is it enough for him to get clean and sober? You know the hurdle standing in your way. I haven't had any experience with chemical dependence so I'm not sure what is best. Will tough love be more helpful or patient support?
But I agree that you have slipped back into a mode where you are obviously waiting for him to get his act together while perhaps you keep your life on hold. Maybe he sensed that you are nearing the point where you can't do it anymore. You do need to look out for yourself and make sure that you are happy with the life you have while still keeping in mind the life you would like to have.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: Maybe he hung up on me because he feels that I am moving on with my life. This could be a good thing. I know he doesn't want to lose me.
IMHO, this is a very important point you make, Sam.
I would not directly pressure him about his sobriety. That just doesn't work. You can't control his drinking.
From what I recall of your earliest posts, your dropping the rope and GAL work did have a positive effect in the past, so maybe that is s/t to consider.
What might be some specific GAL goals for you to put into play, as soon as today?
Yesterday went just fine. Ex didn't call, and I didn't go into DTs. I am ready for phase 2 of this ordeal so I can stay strong.
I just realized something as I reread over my threads. I posted on 8/18 that ex's physicians cut off his pain pill supply. The physicians gave him a month's worth of meds and ex said he was hoping to stretch the amount he has and make it last six weeks.
I am going to admit one thing that I should not be doing. I snooped. I only have access to one thing, and I still use it to snoop. Shame on me, I know. I still have access to the business phone bill. I looked at last month's bill and it showed a phone call to a city 1.5 hours from his. The phone number was to a pain management doctor on 8/30. The phone call was to a fax number that lasted 7 minutes. Clearly, he was faxing them his medical records. I don't know if he was successful at getting them or not. If they gave them to him, I HATE THESE GLORIFIED DRUG DEALERS! I know ex is responsible for his own actions, but these physicians have a responsibility to be leaders in our community. There is a reason that you can't get these drugs without a prescription. Ex is 35 and healthy. The pain pills he gets is for a car accident that happened over five years ago. He had no physical injuries whatsoever. They take him on his word that he is in pain. They give him a massive amount of 80mg (the strongest available) oxycontins! These are drugs given to terminally ill cancer patients. This stuff is strong, strong stuff. 10mg oxycontin is equivalent to about 12 vicoden at once. Can you see how potent 80 mg are! Plus these pills are set up on time release. Drug addicts crush them so you get all of the pain pill at once and the time release is deactivated.
He needs so much of this drug to get a high that getting it any other way than from a doctor would be useless. It wouldn't even be possible to find the amount he needed on the street. You can't just take a little. You need the full dose at all times to keep the withdrawals from setting in. Without the doctors giving him the drug, he would not be able to continue with his addition! It just ticks me off to no end.
Plus, ex's doctors cut him off. If this new doctor prescribed him these kinds of meds just from him faxing his records, this is such a crime. Anyone would see that someone switching doctors and traveling 1.5 hours for these kinds of addictive meds is an addict. Surely, they would want to speak to his previous doctor before prescribing a 35 year old man these kinds of meds.
It makes my codependence shoot through the roof just thinking about it. In Alanon, they tell you to not to try to control their addiction. This means do not call the physicians and do not try to stop them from getting the drugs. They have to make the decision to quit on their own. I am the only person ex feels comfortable to confide in, and I can't do anything to jeopordize this. This is life and death and so touch and go. It can exhaust me if I let it. I just need to pray.
Maybe this doctor had the brains not to prescribe them. I need to trust that God will make everything OK and just hang in there. I also need to leave ex alone and give him space. If he is about to detox, he is very, very scared. I can't describe how scary it is. It is a black hole that you think you will never find your way out of. Thanks for listening.
((((Sam)))) I'm sorry that you discovered that about him.
Let him go for now, Sam. At the very least, focus on yourself. When I snooped on my XW in July and found out stuff I really didn't want to know, it had the unanticipated benefit of helping me to detach, to let go, as I realized only then how very far she had to travel or grow in order to be a suitable partner for me.
Is some of that happening for you regarding your Ex?
BTW, only 2 wks til moveout/movein day, right? S/t to look forward to!
I know you are right Gabriel. Believe it or not, I am actually excited about detaching. I have a lot of faith that everything will be OK.
This is my to do list:
1. Get a job within the next two weeks. I have been on interviews and have lots of leads so this is a good possibility. A job is really key to my sanity. I am going crazy from boredom.
2. Move within two weeks and set up my new place. Depending on when I get a job, I will probably make my move-in date sooner so I can start to transfer my things and set up my new place nicely. I am so excited.
3. Help with painting my nephew's bedroom. I think I bit off more than I can chew here, but it is looking so cute! I told him yesterday that I would have two walls finished for him. He is three and said that would be OK. He comes home from daycare and calls me to come over so we can look at how far I got that day.
4. Start going to Alanon meetings again. Even when I think I can learn no more, there is always new stuff that I discover.
5. Start doing more things with my friends.
Thanks for the advice Gabriel. Considering everything, I feel better today than I have felt since this all began. I think it is because of my praying and knowing everything will work out for the best whatever that may be.
Hang in there, pray for the strength to endure, God will answer your prayers. Remember the Purpose Driven Life, remember the blessings God has instore for us!!
If he is starting to detox, it will be impossible to get along with him in a "normal" conversation. He will say alot of things out of fear and frustration. (When my W was detoxing she was rude, selfish and moody.)
They will do almost anything to get their drug of choice. So if you stop one source he may find another, my wife was driving a car-less drug dealer and his GF to crack houses in Houston to get her hydrocodone. I was totally unaware of the amount of perscription drugs that could be purchased on the street. The "big" dealers get them from fraudulent doctors, shady pharmacist and foreign sources.
I know it is hard to figure out what to do when someone you love is endangering themselves. We do have to put it in Gods hands. We can try to control the sit., but we will most likely end up bitter and frustated. Trying to control someone is against DBing and against Alanon. Plus God wants us to give control to him. If we should trust anyones promise we should trust the Almighty.
Should you get on with your life? Yes, do all the GAL you can handle. You will be happier and better off in the long run. I am not saying your H is hopeless, nor am I saying give up on him, but I am saying don't let him hold you back from what you want. (Example if he feels that because you move into a new place you are moving on without him, so be it.) Pray, DB, GAL and remember you are here for a purpose, you are not an accident. By doing these things you will be prepared to handle your H when he finally gets clean. The first year he is clean, you know his thinking is going to be messed up.
Of course I don't know what God's plans are for you and your H. Maybe God is preparing you, the stronger person right now, to handle your H after he goes to rehab.
Sam, Thanks for posting on my thread, you have helped me so much, I just hope something I have said will help you feel better. I can really relate to your pain.
You are right about the blessings. Life has so much more meaning that it did before. I feel a thousand times more wiser. Life is so rich now, and I would have never know that without all the pain I have endured. I also like my new humble self. I am so grateful for that.
You are also right about H possibly detoxing right now. Maybe that is why he was so moody. I do have a tendancy to become controlling even though I know that is not what is best for him. I know I tell you to remember these things all the time, but it is even difficult for me to remember this even though I have been through exactly what H is going through. Alanon worked so well for me this past summer. I plan to return tomorrow. It always gets me back on track.
I was going back over some of your old posts. I have never posted as the stresses come and go along with my emotions like you have. Reading your old posts from back in May flooded my head with a lot of old memories in my own situation. It helped me see how far I have come and you too. Wow have things improved. I guess it is easy to slip back into the obsessive thinking. Thank God it is easier to slip out of that thinking now.
Your posts have helped me so much. I had actually forgotton how crazy things had gotten for you back around May. I have been using your recent posts to keep my spirits up since things have softened so much between you and wife. I also get inspiration from your posts by seeing that no matter how bad things get between you and wife from time to time, everything always calms down eventually. We are going to be old and wrinkled by the time we things perfected but that is OK.
Do you ever listen to U2? I am not a big music person, but my friend had the new U2 CD playing in his car. I never saw him as a spiritual person, but he said outloud, "This CD is great. You should listen to the words." I just liked the song so I went and got the CD. As I started to listen to all the songs, I realized it is all religious music. It is kind of interesting to listen to the words. I never knew that about U2.
Here are the words to a few of the songs on there newest CD. I thought you might like them.
Yahweh
Yahweh
by U2
Album: How To Dismantle an Atomic Bomb
Take these shoes
Click clacking down some dead end street
Take these shoes
And make them fit
Take this shirt
Polyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt
And make it clean, clean
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing
Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I’m waiting for the dawn
Take these hands
Teach them what to carry
Take these hands
Don’t make a fist
Take this mouth
So quick to criticise
Take this mouth
Give it a kiss
Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I’m waiting for the dawn
Still waiting for the dawn, the sun is coming up
The sun is coming up on the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean
Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, tell me now
Why the dark before the dawn?
Take this city
A city should be shining on a hill
Take this city
If it be your will
What no man can own, no man can take
Take this heart
Take this heart
Take this heart
And make it break
This song is old and I never knew what it was about. To me, it means how the worst day of my life was really the beginning of a new relationship with God.
Beautiful Day
U2 - Album 'All that you can't leave behind'
Music by U2 Lyrics by Bono
The heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground
There's no room
No space to rent in this town
You're out of luck
And the reason that you had to care
The traffic is stuck
And you're not moving anywhere
You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace
It's a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
You're on the road
But you've got no destination
You're in the mud
In the maze of her imagination
You love this town
Even if that doesn't ring true
You've been all over
And it's been all over you
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
It's a beautiful day
Touch me
Take me to that other place
Teach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case
See the world in green and blue
See China right in front of you
See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out
See the Bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light
And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth
After the flood all the colors came out
It was a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
Beautiful day
Touch me
Take me to that other place
Reach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case
What you don't have you don't need it now
What you don't know you can feel it somehow
What you don't have you don't need it now
Don't need it now
Was a beautiful day
This one is also old, and I never realized what it is about either. They say "she" is probably referring to Mary. I grew up Catholic and liked that this was about Mary. U2 is from Ireland and Catholic also.
Mysterious Ways - U2 Lyrics
Johnny, take a walk with your sister the moon
Let her pale light in to fill up your room
You've been living underground, eating from a can
You've been running away from what you don't understand
She's slippy, you're sliding down
She'll be there when you hit the ground
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
She moves in mysterious ways
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
She moves in mysterious ways
Johnny, take a dive with your sister in the rain
Let her talk about the things you can't explain
To touch is to heal, to hurt is to steal
If you want to kiss the sky, better learn how to kneel
On your knees, boy
She's the wave, she turns the tide
She sees the man inside the child
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
She moves in mysterious ways
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
She moves in mysterious ways
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Lift my days, light up my nights, love
One day you'll look back, and you'll see
Where you were held
How by this love while you could stand there
You could move on this moment
Follow this feeling
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
She moves in mysterious ways
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
She moves in mysterious ways
Love, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
We move through miracle days
Move you, spirit, move, making love
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
Yeah, move, yeah, move, make love
Spirit moves in mysterious ways
You move with it, she moves with it
It’s alright, it’s alright, alright
Lift my days, light up my nights, love
Just wanted to let you know that H still hasn't called me since he hung up on me 2 days ago. This morning when I answered the phone, someone hung up on me. I like to think it was him, but I doubt it. He isn't known to do things like that. I am though. I probably should call him. Eventually I will. I just think H doesn't realize how much his drug abuse is affecting me. I want him to start to understand. My calling him and pretending like everything is OK is starting to hurt me too much.
My nephew's room is almost finished. I painted most of yesterday and should finish today. Oh my God does it look beautiful! We are all so excited. Well the next coat of paint is probably dry. I need to get back to work.
Thanks everyone for all your support. JDD, thanks for everything. Take care. I hope things are going good.
I find that such things help me to focus on what I can control : me.
DBing is a long journey, isn't it? Yet, it is really a process, a way of life that includes living with much greater awareness and, therefore, better ability to self-care.
