It is a frigging miracle. I was able to log onto these boards from my home computer.
Just got off the phone with ex. Our conversation did not go well. I mentioned to him that I am scared that I am going to have to wait forever before seeing him again. He sweetly told me not to worry and that everything is going to be OK. He told me to just trust him. He then went from being nice to being more and more nasty. Things went back and forth for awhile with us arguing and then getting along. They finally ended with husband hanging up on me.
I have only seen him once in the past year, yet we speak daily and I think about him constantly. This is no life. I told him that he has been telling me for a year now that any day he would get sober. I told him that I deserve a husband that I can come home to at night and possibly even live with! I told him that I deserved kids. I told him that I just wanted a normal life and that living like this for the past two years is taking its toll on me. He told me fine go get a family, said goodbye and hung up the phone.
I know that I need to start distancing myself. During the conversation I also told him that his sobriety is out of my control and that if I live my life away waiting for him to get sober, I have no one to blame but myself. From what I could gather, I think he feels that my waiting around on him to get sober is pressure. We get along and have good conversations almost every single night. I rarely mention his recovery. Honestly, I put zero pressure on him. I am starting to see how he can take my waiting on him as pressure.
It is like he is daring me to get a backbone and move on with my life. He has an aunt addicted to pain pills and talks about how her husband is selfish and wimpy to pretend like everything is OK. I have to get the strength to not talk to him for awhile and find a life without him in it. I need to do a way better job than I have been doing. One of my fears is moving on and getting over him and then him popping back into my life and wanting me to trust him again. I fear I will be too scared to trust him again.
I have been putting my head into the sand for too long. Things are not improving. Boy this stinks!
Also, he has been telling me lately that I have been acting differently and seem to be moving off into my own direction.
The thing is that I know he loves me, and I know he wants to live his life with me. I need to get a backbone and put down some boundaries. I am so codependent.
P.S. I just read over my post and realized something. I have been too busy to pressure him about his recovery. Now that I have little going on in my life, I have probably been putting more and more pressure on him. Or...maybe he fears that I will move on since my test has ended. Maybe he hung up on me because he feels that I am moving on with my life. This could be a good thing. I know he doesn't want to lose me.
