Sorry your mood plummeted. You have ever right to vent and we are hear to listen and sympathize. We all have times where we doubt what we're doing and whether the path we're on is the right one.
I'm loath to suggest anything or try to be Mr. Fix-it because I think you are probably blowing off steam. But I don't think it's wrong to question your motives or look at your H and ask if he's the man you want.
Are you partly angry because of you had expectations and he failed to meet them? Did you assume it was this weekend that you were doing something? I think he made several kind gestures and did recognize your taking of the test. That can't be all bad.
I'm sorry you are having a bad day. Good luck on the job search. Try to have a fun weekend without him.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Boy do I sound whiney after rereading my post. That's OK though. I needed to vent and feel a lot better now. I realize that I have a lot blessings in my life and am much better off than I was two years ago. I guesss sometimes I get upset that I let my life get so out of control before I would wake up. Things could be a lot worse. I realize that.
I made a big mistake by reading the emails H had sent to that women almost two years ago. No good could come out of that. It does remind me how out of control he had become. Boy was he pathetic. I guess he has a lot of guilt and embarrassment to deal with. I sometimes get off track and imagine his life is so much better than mine when in reality it is a million times worse. I pity him more than anything. He has made a mess of his life. That is for sure.
You are not being negative, just telling how you feel and thats ok.
I can tell you though that my PMA took a slide this week because I read old emails XW left on her email account. I wasn't snooping, she left the email open on my work computer. I couldn't resist looking, well I just reminded myself of stuff I didn't need to think about. So what I am saying is try to stay away from reading this poison, it just doesn't help us. Because I read some of these emails, I allowed myself to react negatively to a hug I offered and got rejected. I went into a major backslide that was caused by me reading her emails instead of just signing off of the account.
Another point I would like to make is that you have alot going for you! Keep your chin up, it doesn't matter to God that he seems to be more financially secure at this time. I got the short end of the stick in the D, I agreed to everything she wanted, but the Lord has helped me understand that its better to give than receive. (Plus we will not take any money or material things with us when we die)
Sometimes (I won't say I know when) God tests our faith and love for him in ways we don't understand. God wants us to pass these tests, but when we fall short he wants us to depend on him for help. Today I failed badly, I over reacted to XW's attitude, but I have prayed for his forgiveness and I left a message on her cell that I was sorry.
I am reading the book "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren, which has helped me to keep a PMA. Yes, I blew it today because I am human, too many negatives got into my mind (Katrina's storm damage, money issues, XW's negative treatment and reading poison emails). It will pray, read the book and regroup.
Sam, hang in there, if you come to a point you don't know what to do, wait until you know. You have great abilities and character, God put you here for a purpose, you are no accident.
I appreciate you listening to my venting it has made me feel a lot better. You both made me realize I am just having a bad day.
JDD, I have read and do continue to read a purpose driven life. It helped me make sense and even good out of all my heartache and garbage. I love that book! I may have to get it off the bookshelf and read it again tonight.
I read your situation with wife today and how she was so moody. Don't take to heart all the things she said today. She was just upset and didn't mean any of those things. I am giving you this advice to you and taking it myself. I am starting to realize that these little fights and changes in emotions are just a part of life and a part of relationships. There will always be conflicts, but I think as we mature we learn to handle them in a healthier way. Boy life is hard! That has been a huge wakeup call for me.
Also, JDD realize that wife is extra moody because of her messed up thinking. In a year she will have made leaps and bounds in her recovery. I have to add that I didn't stay 100% sober that first year. I would get my hands on pain pills and go on week long binges once a month, then every two month, every three etc. I also would take Tylenol PM, soma and diet pills. My years of addiction taught me to pop some sort of pill at any sign of distress. I went to a therapist because I was feeling just crazy. He told me it was because I kept taking pills here and there and that they would affect my emotions and thinking. Finally, I started to learn that I didn't like feeling that way, and I stopped all together. So you know, it isn't like it took me one year with no mess ups to start to feel normal again. It took me one year that included a few backslides so hang in there. Things will get better with time.
There is a book out there that may be of benefit to you. It is called "Addictive Thinking" by Abraham Twerski, MD. I think it would help you a lot to realize that when wife seems like someone you can't hangle that it is just her screwed up thinking. It took me a long time to admit that I think differently, but once I did, I can now recognize the pattern, take note and lighten up a little bit. The book describes the way an addict thinks. It doesn't matter whether the person is in active addiction or not. They just think differently. Some examples include hypersensitivity, perfectionism or if they can't be perfect they just get a **ck it attitude and let everything go by the wayside. A lot of times they are also black and white. There are no in-betweens. Also, I read that people who have addictive thinking usually do not achieve to their abilities because they are afraid of failure. This is what made me apply to this graduate program. I wanted to apply this program when I first graduated from school, but I was afraid to be denied enrollment. Reading that about my personality and admitting it, convinced me to give it a try. It told me, you know, your fear of failure is just your messed up way of thinking and normal people aren't like that. I took the plunge and applied anyway. It was a huge leap for me. The book helped me a lot, and it may be worth your while to look into it so you can see why wife acts certain ways. I found it at Barnes and Noble in the addiction section.
I want to add that whenever I see someone post a story about a nasty arguement, it is a given that things always blow over after a little bit of time. I guarantee this will blow over with you in no time. Hang in there. Thanks for the words of encouragement. Everything you said hit home and made a lot of sense. Thanks!
Good to see you posting. Sorry you're on a downward bend, yet you've weathered so much worse! H is definitely staying focused on you, Sam. I hope that he's doing his own work, while you do the school, job stuff.
Nice to hear from you Gabriel. I guess you are right. H is staying focused on me.
My mental state has gotton a lot better. I am busy looking for a job and will be happy when I finally find one. Things look promising.
I am excited about one thing. I found a new place to live. I hate where I live right now. When I first got a divorce, I found the cheapest place I could find hoping I wouldn't be there very long. Obviously, I can't live that way any longer. Who knows how long things can continue like they are with H. Sooo... I found a really nice place to live. I am really excited about it, and it made my PMA shoot through the roof.
I called H to tell him about my new place, and he got upset about the length of the lease I signed. That made me happy:) He then said that it sounds like I am just moving on in my own direction. I told him that I am sorry it sounds that way, but I am just trying to make a good life for myself so he could hopefully follow my lead. He responded positively to that and said he knew that was what my real intentions probably were and added that he was just feeling down for the moment. I added that now I have a decent place so he can come and visit. That made him happy. I never would allow him to visit me in the past because I was so embarrassed of where I live. It is a dump.
I can't wait to move. I wish I didn't have to wait until the end of the month.
I read some of the journals that I had written last week when I was really upset and emotional. Reading those showed me how much my emotions can change day to day. I need to remember that the next time my PMA takes a nose dive.
Ah yes, the dump of a place one takes in the hopes of a quick reconciliation. I did the same and am looking forward to a end of the month move, too. And my bet is that it will help with the PMA - quite a bit. Nicely done with the self-care in this regard, and I'm glad he took it well!
I think you validated your XH very well in regards to the moving into the new place. He obviously relaxed after your carefully worded explanation. I wish I could think on my feet as well as you.
Thanks for the words of encouragement Bulldogr and Gabriel. I am glad I am not the only one that moved into a dump hoping for a quick reconciliation. Gabriel, your post made me laugh.
It is a frigging miracle. I was able to log onto these boards from my home computer.
Just got off the phone with ex. Our conversation did not go well. I mentioned to him that I am scared that I am going to have to wait forever before seeing him again. He sweetly told me not to worry and that everything is going to be OK. He told me to just trust him. He then went from being nice to being more and more nasty. Things went back and forth for awhile with us arguing and then getting along. They finally ended with husband hanging up on me.
I have only seen him once in the past year, yet we speak daily and I think about him constantly. This is no life. I told him that he has been telling me for a year now that any day he would get sober. I told him that I deserve a husband that I can come home to at night and possibly even live with! I told him that I deserved kids. I told him that I just wanted a normal life and that living like this for the past two years is taking its toll on me. He told me fine go get a family, said goodbye and hung up the phone.
I know that I need to start distancing myself. During the conversation I also told him that his sobriety is out of my control and that if I live my life away waiting for him to get sober, I have no one to blame but myself. From what I could gather, I think he feels that my waiting around on him to get sober is pressure. We get along and have good conversations almost every single night. I rarely mention his recovery. Honestly, I put zero pressure on him. I am starting to see how he can take my waiting on him as pressure.
It is like he is daring me to get a backbone and move on with my life. He has an aunt addicted to pain pills and talks about how her husband is selfish and wimpy to pretend like everything is OK. I have to get the strength to not talk to him for awhile and find a life without him in it. I need to do a way better job than I have been doing. One of my fears is moving on and getting over him and then him popping back into my life and wanting me to trust him again. I fear I will be too scared to trust him again.
I have been putting my head into the sand for too long. Things are not improving. Boy this stinks!
Also, he has been telling me lately that I have been acting differently and seem to be moving off into my own direction.
The thing is that I know he loves me, and I know he wants to live his life with me. I need to get a backbone and put down some boundaries. I am so codependent.
P.S. I just read over my post and realized something. I have been too busy to pressure him about his recovery. Now that I have little going on in my life, I have probably been putting more and more pressure on him. Or...maybe he fears that I will move on since my test has ended. Maybe he hung up on me because he feels that I am moving on with my life. This could be a good thing. I know he doesn't want to lose me.
