I am really on a downward spiral guys. I know it is happening, and I know what it takes to stop it. However, I just continue to wallow in self-pity.
I took my test and did pretty good. I didn't do as good as I had hoped, but I am still in the game. That's for sure.
So what is the problem? I put so much energy into my application and studying and school and now I have absolutely nothing to do. I don't have a job and need to get one before I go crazy from boredom. I get really angry when I see how I got the short end of the stick in our divorce. Husband and I started a business together that did very well. I was the reason that business took off like it did, and it would never be what it is today if it weren't for me. Because we couldn't have the company without the assistance of a good friend of my husband's, the only thing I could do was let husband buy me out. I am set for awhile and have money in the savings to get by for the next seven years if I had to do so. This is why I decided to go back to school. However, Ex-H is much better off than me financially. I sound like a spoiled brat don't I. It just makes me so angry because I have to start all over with my career at 32 while Ex gets to live lavish lifestyle.
After my test ended, I came home to a beautiful delivery of flowers that H sent congratulating me for finishing my test. He was very proud of me and happy for me. He started talking about the fact that he was planning a trip for us to take. We had planned to get together the weekend after my test, but it was clear that H didn't want me to come when I mentioned it. For what reason, I do not know. I am beginning to think it is because he has a party planned for labor day weekend and didn't want to let me down by telling me that this weekend was not a good weekend.
Remember he is still addicted to pain pills and has mood swings. Last night H and I got into an arguement. He was in a really mean mood and complaining. I asked what was wrong, and he goes on to complain about something with his house. It just really annoyed me, and I told him I really didn't care to here it. I know I should have validated his feelings, but I get so upset when I here him complain about his life when he is the cause of all of his problems. He abruptly told me he didn't want to talk to me any longer and ended the call. He said he would call me later that evening. Well, he never called, and he took the phone off the hook. I left him a message and told him that I was sorry for what I said, that I wasn't feeling well and that I took it out on him. I haven't heard from him, and quite frankly don't know if I want to ever speak to him again.
I am beginning to wonder if he hasn't found another doctor that will prescribe him pain meds. He hasn't mentioned the fact that he will run out of meds soon.
Am I being negative or what?
Our marriage ended because we were both addicted to pain meds and H had began to have an emotional affair. From the emails I found, he thought he was in love with this girl and consequently filed for divorce. They hadn't even met in person. I did a very bad thing last night. I have copies of these emails, and pulled them out and read them last night. This emotional affair had started four months before he filed for divorce. I can't believe this women even gave him the time of day. It is obvious he is a drunk or on drugs. He even trys to ease his guilt by telling this girl that me (the wife) have no trouble finding a new husband and move on pretty quickly. Yeah right! He just has no clue how much he hurt me. He really sounded nutty in the letters. I am beginning to wonder if I really want him back. I know he was on drugs when he wrote the letters, but sometimes I am beginning to think he did me a favor. I was on drugs too, but I would have never said and done the things he did...drugs or no drugs.
Am I a downer or what? I just want you guys to tell me what I know I need to do. I know these are the cards I have been dealt, but sometimes I really hate my reality. I feel that meeting husband put me on a horrible path in life. I know life is hard no matter who you are, but I am just getting so tired of this crap. I just want to have a normal life and happiness again. Sometimes I think just cutting off husband and mourning him once and for all would be so much easier. The problem is that I want things to work. I am beginning to wonder why though. We rarely fight anymore, and when it does happen like it happened last night, I begin to wonder how much I can take of this crud.
Do any of you get like this very often? What do you do to stop it. I know if I had a job this wouldn't be happening. I need to find a job ASAP!
