Hi everyone! I have been keeping up with your threads and know what is happening in your worlds, however; I have not had the time to post myself. I have been preparing like mad for this post graduate program. I sure hope I get accepted. I have a major test in ten days and really shouldn't be taking a break to post today of all days, but I must share some news.
I have actually been so busy with my own life that I was able to completely detach emotionally from husband. We haven't seen each other since I visited him late April or early May.
The last time I posted, I told husband that his active addiction was just too much for me to handle. Not talking to him actually only lasted about a week. Of course, he believes things in his world have been too hectice for him to find a chance to detox and get help. I forgot about husband, held onto hope and continued to stay focused on me. Alanon did so much for me back then. It helped me realize that I could not let husband's addiction have contol over my life anymore. We continued to speak, but I treated him like a friend and truly thought of him this way for about a month. With that, even more and more of the barriers started to melt.
Well, guess what happened two weeks ago? After six years of manipulating doctors and tricking them into giving him a massive amount of pain meds each month, his gig is finished. His doctors found out he was seeing more than one physician. Both doctors referred him to addiction specialists and told him that they could not prescribe him meds any longer. One of the physician's gave him a month's worth of meds so he could get his personal affairs in order and then start the long journey of recovery. I firmly believe God stepped in and did what my H refused to do. I am so glad Alanon taught me how to get out of God's way.
Since May and up until know, H and I have grown closer and closer.
These are some of the things H told me that may be of some benefit to you. I realize that many of the things he says may sound selfish, but they are his true feelings whether I agree with them or not. Who knows, he may be right about some of them.
I asked him what he would have done if I wouldn't have continued to hold onto hope for reconcilitation. ...He told me that he would have probably just walked away and never looked back. It would have told him that he was right about our relationship.
2. He tells me that he knew divorce would be a horrible thing and that he knew he would probably be sad for the rest of his life. He said that he had become so unhappy and confused that he had lost hope in our marriage for a long time.
3. Even though he admits to making lots of mistakes, it is very clear to me that the pain he felt that led him to divorce is very real.
I try to step back and see things from his perspective. To do this, I forget about my pain and only look at his. I imagine how I would want him to apologize to me and then that is how I treat him. When I do this, I don't even think about what he did to me. To me, they are two completely separate events and then I treat him accordingly. I read the bible verses that say things like forgive 999 times and the ones that say if someone slaps you in the right check give them the left cheek. The bible keeps me on course and keeps me from trying to get even. When I get caught up in my own self pity, I open books about overcoming hurt and forgiveness. There is a great one called Beauty From Ashes by Joyce Meyers. One day when I was on my pity party, I called my mom and she told me that I can't change the past and that I should only look forward. It was shocking to hear her say anything positive about H because I know how angry she is at him for the pain he caused me. I think she can see that I helped create this situation.
Sometimes I worry that I am acting like a doormat. However, the more I let husband know that I made mistakes, the more he forgives me and the more sorry he becomes for the things he did to me. As I get better and better at being sorry for the pain I caused him, the more humble I become. The more humble I become the easier it is for me to forgive H. Consequently, I feel more secure. I am at a point where I don't need husband to apologize to me before I can be OK. I know that what he did to me was wrong. I don't need an apology from husband or a guarantee that he will never hurt me again before I can be OK.
If I have any advice for anyone it is to forgive your spouse and let them know you are sorry. I am not saying what they did was right. I am only saying that you probably did make a lot of mistakes and probably weren't very fun to have as a spouse. Did they do the right thing? Of course not! They made a really bad choice by giving up on the marriage, but you can only change you.
I believe the most important thing I did to make husband soften was to admit that I made lots of mistakes in our marriage. I let him know how sorry I was in more ways than one. I actually think that the begging and pleading that many of us do in the beginning is a good thing in a way. It lets them know that we do care and it lets them see how much they are hurting us. If their goal was to hurt us, they eventually realize that hurting us solved nothing. The mistake we make is to continue the begging and pleading, or we don't keep any of our promises to change and give up way to soon. It takes time to heal the pain we caused. We have to be patient.
Hope, I am sorry to hear about your situation. I hate that this is happening to you. Just keep taking things one day at at time. The pain will lessen with time. Just keep moving forward and focus on son and yourself.
JDD, Glad to see you are still being so patient. Sounds like you are on the right track.
Gabriel, That stinks about the RO. Try to remember this will all pass. Get back on track and keep moving forward in your own life. I see lots of positives in your situation actually. Hang in there.
All of you take care. I have a lot happening and will post again in the near future.
