I did it! I called H and told him that I loved him, I wanted things to work between us and him talking about us being together in the future makes me happy. I then told him that it is too painful for me to continue to have a relationship with him while he isn't in recovery. He told me a lot of words to reassure me that he was going to overcome his addiction very soon. I won't go into them because really they are just words. In Alanon a women said that she looks for actions from her son rather than words and that makes a big difference on her outlook. I choose to do the same. Getting my hopes up because of his words really just causes me pain lately.
I am a little scared. Last night H didn't call or email, the first night in a long time. I am going to keep praying and let God take over in H's life for now because all I do is continue to get in his way. Also, I need to concentrate on taking care of myself for awhile.
This may sound like the opposite of DBing but maybe it doesn't. All I know is that I am dealing with addiction and this is the best thing for me to be doing today. Also, the DBing I have been doing since December helped my H get over his anger towards me. H never hesitates to say he wants a relationship with me today. In December that wasn't the case. He tells me that he is "in love with me", and I believe with all my heart that DBing made that possible.
