Thanks for all the kind words. I am really exhausted with everything going on lately. I have been keeping my sanity by attending Alanon meetings as much as possible. I think this program is the key to my sanity and hopefully eventually it will be the key to my happiness.
After my first meeting, I left never wanting to go back because they told me that the program isn't about curing my husband. At first, I really didn't want to hear that, but I am so tired of hurting all of the time that I am willing to try anything.
H and I got into another arguement last night, but ever since my meeting today, I really don't care that much. It is the same story. Every day his life is a crisis, and I am fed up with having to listen to it every single day. I save the messages that he leaves me and three of the last five he has left start out with him saying he has had the worst day ever. I had had a really bad day yesterday, and after I listened to his usual sob story, I told him I had had a bad day. I know DBing says to act cheerful, but I am too exhausted to keep up this charade much longer. At the end of my complaining, he said that he really is in no mood to listen to my whining after "his" awful day. I told him that there is never a time that I can talk about anything negative because every single day that you call you are having an "awful" day. He hung up on me of course. I am glad he heard those words because it is the truth.
I have a book on addictive thinking and it tells how addicts are hypersensitive and everything they endure is a tragedy. In the beginning of my recovery, this book helped me a lot to realize that my thinking was not normal. Knowing my thinking pattern as an addict helped me stop reacting to problems so irrationally. I wanted to send this book to him, and my counselor suggested that I simply ask him if it would be OK for me to send it. He told me he would read anything with the possibility that it would help him. (What he really needs is to get his behind to meetings.) He received the books today, the day after he hung up on me when I told him everyday in his life is a bad day. Maybe it will help him see how his behavior is affecting everyone in his life so negatively, but I honestly don't give a darn anymore. Everyone in his life hates being around him. He is such a miserable human being.
I am mostly babbling. Maybe JDD and others reading this in a similar situation can relate. Thanks for reading. Take care everyone.
