Yes, I did see my ex-husband, and yes, the visit did go well. Things are so complicated though that I think it is time for me to switch gears. DBing allowed me to show my husband that divorce was not the answer to his problems. I know for sure that he still loves me and that he knows he will never find anyone better. The real monster that he faces is his addiction.
DBing is no longer the answer to my problems. I have been going to Alanon so I can handle this situation better.
When I saw ex-husband, he actually didn't look too bad. I was expecting him to look unhealthy and bloated from the drug use. I know he is still on drugs, but he didn't seem as strung out as I expected him to be.
The first evening was nice and pleasant. He told me that when he saw me he thought I looked great and really pretty, however; he added that when he saw me he simply saw "his wife". He went on about how no one understands him and knows him like I do. Of course I started to cry. It felt like none of the hell between us had ever happened and we were just picking up where we had left off.
The rest of the weekend went well, but I got a little upset when it was time to leave. It is so clear that he is stuck in life because of his addiction and he would keep me waiting forever if I choose to let him.
This is why I have been going to Alanon. It is time for me to cut him off as long as he is not in recovery. My therapist is guiding me in this process too. She has a son in recover and is very involved in Alanon.
He is calling all of the time. I think it is because he enjoyed seeing me, but I also think it is because he knows I am tired of waiting for him to get his act together.
I'll post more later when I have more time. Just wanted to update you guys.
Sam, I just read up on your last few posts, you are doing a good job DBing. I am glad that you are a Christian and learning more to become a better Christian. Way to go!
I would like some advice from you about addictions, XW was addicted to pain killers, went to rehab and met more people who use. She claims she is clean but doing alot of strange things.
She takes Ambien to sleep at night, along with it she takes Tylenol PM. With in minutes she has a slurred speech and poor motor skills. XW will talk to me or the kids and not remember the next day.
Do you think the Ambien and Tylenol PM would make her "drunk" or do you think she is on something else?
I know Ambien by itself can have some seriously frightening side-effects, because I have a friend--my brother's former roommate--who had it happen to him.
He'd take it, go to sleep, wake up, and do strange things. There are records at work of him coming in, logging on to the computer, and doing work, but he remembers none of it.
He went out for a drive late one night in one of these 'blank' times, and ran his car into a guardrail enough to total it. Parked it, and found a way home. Got notified by the police the next day, remembers none of this.
And he has no other addictions or drug problems...
Needless to say, he doesn't take Ambien anymore...
I was glad to read that you had a positive visit overall with XH. He really seems to be in love with you. Yet, his continuing to be trapped by addiction is so tragic! I truly feel for you.
It is the biggest irony to see a wonderful woman like you go thru the fire and come out alive and perfected, yet to see that your lover has gotten turned around.
Have faith, Sam, that a higher power has a hand in this sitch, and that there is more than meets the eye here in terms of possibilities. Yet, keep on loving yourself and living. It is important that you do not wait for him to get his act together. Keep on keeping on, Sam.
Hello Sam, glad to hear that things went well. It is a huge plus that you H misses you and knows you are the one for him. The addiction is tragic. I think that your cutting contact with him is the right thing to do. I always thought of Alanon as support for the addicts, not as support for those who love addicts. It is great that they are of help to you, and great that you are a caring enough individual to make the effort to go. You are fighting so hard for your marriage. Someday he will be able to see how much you love him. You are doing great! Hope
Thanks for all the kind words. I am really exhausted with everything going on lately. I have been keeping my sanity by attending Alanon meetings as much as possible. I think this program is the key to my sanity and hopefully eventually it will be the key to my happiness.
After my first meeting, I left never wanting to go back because they told me that the program isn't about curing my husband. At first, I really didn't want to hear that, but I am so tired of hurting all of the time that I am willing to try anything.
H and I got into another arguement last night, but ever since my meeting today, I really don't care that much. It is the same story. Every day his life is a crisis, and I am fed up with having to listen to it every single day. I save the messages that he leaves me and three of the last five he has left start out with him saying he has had the worst day ever. I had had a really bad day yesterday, and after I listened to his usual sob story, I told him I had had a bad day. I know DBing says to act cheerful, but I am too exhausted to keep up this charade much longer. At the end of my complaining, he said that he really is in no mood to listen to my whining after "his" awful day. I told him that there is never a time that I can talk about anything negative because every single day that you call you are having an "awful" day. He hung up on me of course. I am glad he heard those words because it is the truth.
I have a book on addictive thinking and it tells how addicts are hypersensitive and everything they endure is a tragedy. In the beginning of my recovery, this book helped me a lot to realize that my thinking was not normal. Knowing my thinking pattern as an addict helped me stop reacting to problems so irrationally. I wanted to send this book to him, and my counselor suggested that I simply ask him if it would be OK for me to send it. He told me he would read anything with the possibility that it would help him. (What he really needs is to get his behind to meetings.) He received the books today, the day after he hung up on me when I told him everyday in his life is a bad day. Maybe it will help him see how his behavior is affecting everyone in his life so negatively, but I honestly don't give a darn anymore. Everyone in his life hates being around him. He is such a miserable human being.
I am mostly babbling. Maybe JDD and others reading this in a similar situation can relate. Thanks for reading. Take care everyone.
I did it! I called H and told him that I loved him, I wanted things to work between us and him talking about us being together in the future makes me happy. I then told him that it is too painful for me to continue to have a relationship with him while he isn't in recovery. He told me a lot of words to reassure me that he was going to overcome his addiction very soon. I won't go into them because really they are just words. In Alanon a women said that she looks for actions from her son rather than words and that makes a big difference on her outlook. I choose to do the same. Getting my hopes up because of his words really just causes me pain lately.
I am a little scared. Last night H didn't call or email, the first night in a long time. I am going to keep praying and let God take over in H's life for now because all I do is continue to get in his way. Also, I need to concentrate on taking care of myself for awhile.
This may sound like the opposite of DBing but maybe it doesn't. All I know is that I am dealing with addiction and this is the best thing for me to be doing today. Also, the DBing I have been doing since December helped my H get over his anger towards me. H never hesitates to say he wants a relationship with me today. In December that wasn't the case. He tells me that he is "in love with me", and I believe with all my heart that DBing made that possible.
That was a big step, and I'm sure you thought about it quite a bit.
Quote: the DBing I have been doing since December helped my H get over his anger towards me. H never hesitates to say he wants a relationship with me today. In December that wasn't the case. He tells me that he is "in love with me", and I believe with all my heart that DBing made that possible.
This is very inspirational! For me, especially the part of the DBing helping him overcome his anger toward you. My W has lots of that again, perhaps due to the D going thru and her facing its reality and wanting to blame again.
It sounds like you figured out that it was time to shake things up a bit, and DBing involves reversals and pursuit as strategically used tools.
