Thanks for the input. You both may be right about me just trying to validate H's feelings only. I'll try that and see how it works. I will probably even get a greater response from H. I'll update you both on the results.
I wanted to let you guys know that H told me, "You are just a really good human being." He told me this last week. He would have never told me this back in December. DBing is what has made me into a better human being. None of it is pretend either. It is the true me. At first, I was faking it, and eventually I did it long enough that it became the real me. That along with trying to be a better Christian has changed me so much. I try to be a better person in every interaction I have with every single person throughout the day. I read a lot on how to be a better Christian. This is one reason I am grateful for my addiction and recovery. Recovery kicked my spiritual growth into full speed. (I needed this because addiction stunts your emotional and spiritual growth as long as you are using. That is why drug addicts usually are very immature for their age.) I feel God is giving me a second chance at life and I am just so grateful to feel alive again that I love the struggles of every day life.
A huge light bulb moment with me was when I read that acting when you are emotional causes huge problems in your life and it is not what God wants you to do. I never got that I would have better control of my life if I waited to act after my emotions passed. Acting on emotions really messed up my life. I didn't realize that you shouldn't do that. Add to the mix that I was very emotional when I was using drugs and you have a living nightmare. I thought it was my right to say what I was feeling. Boy have I grown up so much. Practicing this new insight has changed my life. At first it was hard not to act on my emotions and after practicing it awhile, it is second nature to me. I now know that my emotions will pass and I will be able to make better decisions if I just wait it out. This was a biggy for me. You guys probably realized this. I never did and now that I do, it has changed my life.
I'll tell you another way I scored points with H. H and I got into an argument because H didn't tell me about something. You could say that he lied through omission. This really upset me because he always did this in our marriage. We got into an argument and pretty much made up in the same conversation. After I hung up the phone, I was thinking how I didn't know if I could live with H for the rest of my life if he was always going to lie by omission. Then I tried thinking the DBing way. What am I doing to cause this situation since I only have power over my own behavior?
I then had a light bulb moment. I realized that H lied by omission because he was afraid to tell me things. At first I was thinking if only he didn't lie then we wouldn't have any problems. I backed up one more step and realized that I must send some unspoken signal that H senses. I can act like a spoiled brat and without saying anything make demands so I get what I want each and every time. In the past I rarely put H's wants before my own.
I picked up the phone and left a message explaining what I had discovered about myself. H called me that day and explained that it was his fault not mine, and he had been the jerk not me. I have found that when I apologize H quickly tries to convince me that he is the jerk not me. This didn't happen right away, but now it happens every single time. It is like we have set up this new and better argument pattern. In the past, I would apologize some of the time as long as I wasn't the one to "always" have to apologize. I now realize that in all of our arguments, we are both right and we are both wrong. The benefit from this is that I can always do something productive to make our situation better. I have now changed the dynamic of our relationship and H is now beginning to take a look at how he can make changes in his own behavior to benefit us. Since I am more willing to look at my own faults, he is also more willing.
Can't you see how DBing and being a better Christian are similar in a lot of ways? Be forgiving. Look at your behavior instead of judging others. Be humble. Don't be prideful.
I told my counselor about my concerns with H and his recovery. I told her that I don't ask questions because I don't want make H uncomfortable. Counselor told me to ask H, "Can we talk about OUR recovery." I did this about a month ago and H told me no. I dropped the subject and didn't press any further. I asked again last week and H said yes. He said that he is not using pain pills but he is taking valium which he needs to quit because it is clouding his judgment. I just listened and validated his feelings. I did this same thing in recovery. It took me awhile to stop all drugs. The pain pills were my drug of choice and it was the hardest to stop. After you have used drugs to cope with problems for so long, it is extremely painful to feel. I started taking diet pills when I got upset, valium and Tylenol pm. A counselor I was seeing explained that I was doing that because I didn't want to feel. It looks like H is this stage in recovery. I hope he chooses a life with me instead of a life struggling to avoid feeling. As long as I make him choose between the drugs and having a relationship with me, I think he will choose a relationship with me. I am beginning to realize that he wants me in his life badly enough to truly want to stop. After our visit coming up very soon, I will stop all contact with him as long as he chooses the drugs. I have worked hard to be in the position I am in and I am not going to mess it all up by being codependent. I am strong enough to live my life without him if necessary, and I think I have to be this way if we ever stand a chance at a normal and healthy life together.
You can't look at how far I have come and not realize that God has been guiding me the entire time. I swear he has been at my side telling me exactly what I needed to do. I was a pathetic, mean, emotional drug addict with no self-esteem one year ago and now I am an inspiration to my H and so very proud of myself.
I wanted to ask if you guys ever thought that maybe our WAW spouses did a 180 (without realizing it) by leaving. I think I had become so self-centered and close minded that I would have never changed if H hadn't left. I truly feel that he did me a favor by filing for divorce. What do you all think?
Wanted to add that when I was talking to H last night he was depressed because of the situation with his brother. I tried to cheer him up by explaining that he is a good son, brother and friend. I told him that he is very generous and always there for his siblings, his mom, his dad and friends. I added that he also has stood by my side through good and bad times. He corrected me and told me that I was the one that has always stood by his side no matter what. I think he is becoming convinced that the changes in me are sincere and permanent. Also, he realizes that it is going to be difficult to find another person that is as committed to him as I have proved to be.
