Having hope but letting go, sounds like the perfect thing to do! It is not crazy at all. You don't ever have to give up hope unless you choose to do so! It hurts nothing.
Real quick story...When I had to break up with my first love (I was in college), I told myself, we can't be together now but maybe we can meet up again when we are old. I then got over him completely because I knew he wasn't the person I wanted to have as a life partner. Of course today, I have no desire to see him again, but the hope of seeing him again got me through that time in my life. Having hope hurt nothing at all.
You let go of her while still having hope by forgetting about her for the time being and working on you. In the meantime, do as you have planned and just be a great friend. I read somewhere in these DBing boards that you should treat them like you would treat a friend. Do this long enough and she will learn to trust you again. Keep the possibility of you and her stored in the back of your memory and try to focus on your own life right now. She isn’t going anywhere, and if you trust in God, he will do all the work needed to bring her back to you even if there is an OM. God wants what is best for you, and I believe that means for your family to be back together. You have to have faith that God will make things happen as long as you do your part.
Find something in your life that gets you really excited. Make it something that you can do but that is really challenging. You need to create a new and challenging goal that gets you excited and makes you want to jump out of bed in the morning because you are so determined to reach that goal. It needs to be about you too. It needs to be something that will make you proud of yourself. I did this by going back to graduate school. Is there anything like this that you could do? I am often too busy to obsess about H now. I now get home at the end of a long day, check my messages and if he didn’t call, I am so exhausted I just fall asleep. It changed my focus into something productive, and I swear it changed my life.
How does that saying go... If you love them, set them free. If they don't come back, it was never meant to be. It sounds like you love wife enough now that you’re ready to let her go so she can work through things. You have to trust in God that he will do what is best for you.
You have all the tools that you need now Hope. You have many more tools than I had when I had been separated from spouse the same amount of time as you. Yeah, I knew about DBing and would skim through these boards, but I was always in search of the stories with happy endings. I wasn't reading what it took to get to those happy endings. I would avoid any posts that suggested that it took more than a few months to heal a relationship. You have great tools that many people live a lifetime and never discover. Keep using those tools for your everyday life and chance interactions with wife. You will learn that time is your friend and heals all wounds. I used to be racing the clock, and now I use time as my friend. I don’t rush anything. Back off and let time clean up the hurt that your wife feels.
My counselor gave me a good metaphor. If you hold sand in your hand really tight, it will run through your fingers and you won't be able to hold onto it. However, if you don't hold it tightly and open your hand instead, you can keep all of it right there in your palm.
I think you are analyzing every word wife says and saying to yourself, “she said this so this means for sure we aren’t getting back together.” You have to remember that you didn’t get divorced because of one specific thing you did. It was because of an accumulation of wrong things. You aren’t going to get wife back by saying the one right thing. It is going to be because of an accumulation of positives changes she sees in you.
You said..
Quote: W told me the other night that I shouldn't want her back after all she has done (meaning the divorce).
I think this is positive. I think she is telling you this because she has guilt. I also think she fears that she messed up things so much that you will forever punish her if you two get back together. It sounds like she is noticing the changes in you. Give her time to let it sink into her head. Also, make her realize that you don't blame her for your marriage ending. Fully take responsibility for your part and let her know you don't blame her at all. This will take time to accomplish.
Quote: She got very defensive, she immediately asked "what do to mean I'm coming around" in a stern tone. I believe it upsets her when I have hope for us, when I interperate an act as feelings.
Don't let wife know in any way that you still have hope. Keep that as your own little secret. Make wife believe you are a better person because you are and that you are kind to her simply because you are a loving and caring person.
I am going to stop now. Remember, I still can't log onto this board from home so that is why it took me a while to post. I have to get going but I wanted you to know that I have been worried about you, and it has been making me crazy to not be able to respond sooner to your post. Take Care.
Sam
P.S. It is good that you are worried that wife fears she will never be able to trust you again. Let her know time and time again that you are worthy of her trust. She will come around. She needs to trust you not just as a husband but also as the father of her kids. She wants to trust so give her many reasons why she should.
