You and Hope have great insight into each other's sitches. Nice job with the specific apology but also with stopping the pursuing.
Georgia, thank you so much for sharing your parents' story. I greatly appreciated it and will hold onto it for support during the dark points in this journey.
Sam, you know what to do and have put it into play so well. Just time to get on with gettin' on...GALing and trusting in God. H has his own work to do, and you've communicated respect for him bigtime by noting his need for space to work on his recovery.
Sam, Ioavva has some real good advice here. Concentrate on you. Although it is hard not to call, I think it is your best course of action.
As for me, I'm thinking about letting go. W told me the other night that I shouldn't want her back after all she has done (meaning the divorce). She is steadfast that she will never come back. I just need to continue to work towards being her friend. Being her friend and being able to talk and confide in one another will be the key to establishing trust between us. I believe that the biggest reason she wouldn't consider a R with me is because she does not trust me. Her trust in me is so diminished that she believes that given the chance I would break her heart again. I know there is nothing I can say to bring back the trust. How do I let go of her while I still have hope? She is free now to do whatever she wishes, so in a way I have let go, however I still have hope. I still do nice things for her and in the back of my mind I think, maybe these nice things will bring her a little closer to me, Is this wrong? I do things for her for several reasons: Because I love to see her smile, her smile makes me happy. Because I believe that the acts of kindness will somehow make up for the past. Because I feel that hopefully she will she the changes a genuine and lasting, and maybe this will bring her closer to me. My goal is first to continue to establish a strong friendship with her, with the hopes of this friendship growing into something more. Is there anything wrong with this? The other night I mentioned that I felt she was coming around, meaning we were getting along better and she wasnt as angry with me. She got very defensive, she immediately asked "what do to mean I'm coming around" in a stern tone. I believe it upsets her when I have hope for us, when I interperate an act as feelings. She maintains there is not a romantic relationship and there will not be one.
No, it's not wrong to hope. Hope is the best of things and gets people through traumas. If you think good things, good things will eventually happen to you.
No one likes someone that is all doom, gloom and disaster so you're more likely to attract her attention if you are hopeful (but not in an overt way).
It might help you to know that I went through 2 years of custody battle with my H, a divorce, lost my family, friends etc and he said the same as your W, 'I'm never coming back' and even got an OW at one point.
There were times when I thought I would die, but the seed of friendship was still there. When I lost hope of him ever being with me and started to hope for other things (new life, new career, maybe new man), he realised I'd disconnected from him and panicked. Because the friendship and the good history was always there (and every relationship has good history) it was relatively easy to re-connect.
We've been 'dating' now for nearly 3 months when he said 'never' and when everyone said a M doesn't survive a custody battle. I am living proof that it does.
I don't know how it's going to go, everything is so tentative and sometimes I louse up, but the point is, it's there.
Remember Hope33, the only thing that is unchangable is death. Hold onto that thought, and it'll get you through.
I too needed to hear this. I try like hell to maintain at a minimum a civil relationship with her. Usually its easy, however at times I just want to reach out and shake her, I know this would only make things worse, so of course I dont. I still firmly believe that cultivating a friendship is best for us, the boys and our relationship. I believe that out of friendship, trust will come. If I can get the trust back, who knows?
For now, try to think of her as the mother of your children rather than your W, and this will help you resist the urge to shake her.
Think of your long term goal. It is vital you stay detached if you want her back. I know how painful it is, I have been there (still there in a lot of ways) but think of her living separately as a stop-gap, rather than a be all and end all situation.
Also, a D is not the R, it is just a piece of paper. If the love you have is meant to continue, it will, regardless of any artificially man-made annullment.
People go through phases in R's, and right now she needs space and maybe positive but hands off friendship from you. By being really strong and giving her that, you are showing her the greatest love of all.
Every time you want to say something angry or hurt etc, think to yourself 'is this going to further the R or not?' If it isn't, bite your tongue and say nothing.
Having hope but letting go, sounds like the perfect thing to do! It is not crazy at all. You don't ever have to give up hope unless you choose to do so! It hurts nothing.
Real quick story...When I had to break up with my first love (I was in college), I told myself, we can't be together now but maybe we can meet up again when we are old. I then got over him completely because I knew he wasn't the person I wanted to have as a life partner. Of course today, I have no desire to see him again, but the hope of seeing him again got me through that time in my life. Having hope hurt nothing at all.
You let go of her while still having hope by forgetting about her for the time being and working on you. In the meantime, do as you have planned and just be a great friend. I read somewhere in these DBing boards that you should treat them like you would treat a friend. Do this long enough and she will learn to trust you again. Keep the possibility of you and her stored in the back of your memory and try to focus on your own life right now. She isn’t going anywhere, and if you trust in God, he will do all the work needed to bring her back to you even if there is an OM. God wants what is best for you, and I believe that means for your family to be back together. You have to have faith that God will make things happen as long as you do your part.
Find something in your life that gets you really excited. Make it something that you can do but that is really challenging. You need to create a new and challenging goal that gets you excited and makes you want to jump out of bed in the morning because you are so determined to reach that goal. It needs to be about you too. It needs to be something that will make you proud of yourself. I did this by going back to graduate school. Is there anything like this that you could do? I am often too busy to obsess about H now. I now get home at the end of a long day, check my messages and if he didn’t call, I am so exhausted I just fall asleep. It changed my focus into something productive, and I swear it changed my life.
How does that saying go... If you love them, set them free. If they don't come back, it was never meant to be. It sounds like you love wife enough now that you’re ready to let her go so she can work through things. You have to trust in God that he will do what is best for you.
You have all the tools that you need now Hope. You have many more tools than I had when I had been separated from spouse the same amount of time as you. Yeah, I knew about DBing and would skim through these boards, but I was always in search of the stories with happy endings. I wasn't reading what it took to get to those happy endings. I would avoid any posts that suggested that it took more than a few months to heal a relationship. You have great tools that many people live a lifetime and never discover. Keep using those tools for your everyday life and chance interactions with wife. You will learn that time is your friend and heals all wounds. I used to be racing the clock, and now I use time as my friend. I don’t rush anything. Back off and let time clean up the hurt that your wife feels.
My counselor gave me a good metaphor. If you hold sand in your hand really tight, it will run through your fingers and you won't be able to hold onto it. However, if you don't hold it tightly and open your hand instead, you can keep all of it right there in your palm.
I think you are analyzing every word wife says and saying to yourself, “she said this so this means for sure we aren’t getting back together.” You have to remember that you didn’t get divorced because of one specific thing you did. It was because of an accumulation of wrong things. You aren’t going to get wife back by saying the one right thing. It is going to be because of an accumulation of positives changes she sees in you.
You said..
Quote: W told me the other night that I shouldn't want her back after all she has done (meaning the divorce).
I think this is positive. I think she is telling you this because she has guilt. I also think she fears that she messed up things so much that you will forever punish her if you two get back together. It sounds like she is noticing the changes in you. Give her time to let it sink into her head. Also, make her realize that you don't blame her for your marriage ending. Fully take responsibility for your part and let her know you don't blame her at all. This will take time to accomplish.
Quote: She got very defensive, she immediately asked "what do to mean I'm coming around" in a stern tone. I believe it upsets her when I have hope for us, when I interperate an act as feelings.
Don't let wife know in any way that you still have hope. Keep that as your own little secret. Make wife believe you are a better person because you are and that you are kind to her simply because you are a loving and caring person.
I am going to stop now. Remember, I still can't log onto this board from home so that is why it took me a while to post. I have to get going but I wanted you to know that I have been worried about you, and it has been making me crazy to not be able to respond sooner to your post. Take Care.
Sam
P.S. It is good that you are worried that wife fears she will never be able to trust you again. Let her know time and time again that you are worthy of her trust. She will come around. She needs to trust you not just as a husband but also as the father of her kids. She wants to trust so give her many reasons why she should.
1. She trusts me totally with the boys. I take care of them 90% of the time. She has told me that since this all happened I have become a better more involved father, which makes me some sort of super dad as I was a really good father before. I'm not bragging, its just that I love my boys so much and spend lots of quality time with them, because of my love for them. 2. How on earth do I get her to start trusting me? I believe being a friend is a good start. If there are other ways, fill me in.
I hope you are right about her wanting to trust me, sometimes I feel I have done so much damage that she doesn't even want to trust me.
Jo, right now I'm pretty much terrified that OM has her head turned and that she is infatuated by this new feeling. I may be way off. I hate to ask, partly because I dont want to know and partly because I dont think she'd tell me the truth.
My tongue is sore, yet occasionally things come out of my mouth that set me back. In general I have done well in not expressing the highly charged emotions which I know will only cause more set back. My last vow is to stop asking questions, at this point I dont believe her, so it seems pointless to ask. You are 100% right, I need to back off and give her space, and focus more attention on myself and my boys.
