I messed up and added heat to my situation. Need your advice to turn my mistake into something positive.
1. I have been DBing a lot better and H has responded very positively.
2. I have let H initiate most contact.
3. The last two weeks, H has made it a habit of saying he will call, not calling and then calling the next day or days later apologizing for not calling. I made the mistake of calling him when he didn't call one night, and he responded that I ruined "it" for him because he was just about to call, and he had this weird excitement and happiness in his voice suggesting to me that he was pleased I was calling him.
4. Last night I tried to throw a wrench in this predictable pattern, and I screwed up when things got too heated and emotional. He didn't call by 10:30 pm so I called him. He said the same BS, "You ruinded it for me because I was just about to call you, I swear." He had the same excitement in his voice. I responded, "Sure!". He sounded baffled and said, "Yes, I was!" I then went on to say that I don't expect him to call me but to stop saying he was going to call if he had no plans to call. He sounded hurt and shocked and then sounded like he was holding back tears. He said, "Gosh, I am sorry."
5. I responded, "It's Ok. How are you doing?" All of a sudden, his tone became very nasty. He said, "I don't want to speak to you right now." Then he hung up on me. As all of this happened I felt a little scared but good about everything. I feel I need to put down some boundaries. Sometimes, I feel I am too nice and H thinks he can treat me however he wants and I will always be there. What do you guys think about this? I know I could have gotton the same message across in another manner, but I got impatient and chose to call him.
6. This is where I really messed up things. After H hung up, I got really needy. I started thinking that it would probably be another week before I heard from H again so I panicked and tried to take control of H's behavior (big mistake!). I called him back after he hung up on me! He didn't answer. I then lost all cool. I called again and again and again and again! Slap me! I am such an idiot. H finally answered and in a raised tone said, "Stop calling me! I don't want to talk to you! You are acting like a psycho!"
7. I didn't call him back and went for a jog and things became very clear to me. Even though I backslided a lot, I have a great oppurtunity to do another 180 and stop my predictable pattern right now. H is already pleased at all the other 180's and this could be the biggest one of all.
Help me fix this guys. This was my predictable pattern during our divorce that drove H away. I would call H again and again, he wouldn't answer, I would wait until the next morning and call him first thing apologizing for my behavior. We would make-up and over time he would slowly gain more and more power over me and lose more and more respect.
The last time I kind of did a 180 with this situation was that I didn't go into stalking mode and call H back. I mailed him a card apologizing and told him that I know he needed space and I wouldn't be bothering him at all. He called two days later apologizing to me.
I think that was great for that situation at that time. I had a very good response from H, however; I am slowly gaining more and more self respect. I probably think I could have handled his empty promises of calling a lot better, but now that I did it the way I did it, I don't think I owe H for telling him that I am upset about him saying one thing and doing another. I think it is disrespectful that he tells me he is going to call and then he starts playing his little games. He never did this when we dated and in our marriage because he knew I wouldn't tolerate it.
Guide me in the right direction and help me correct all my errors. How could I have done things completely differently? How can I turn this into something good? Tell me if I am way off base about anything. I am open to anything. I love this board. What I have learned from all of you guys is unbelievable!
