Although I am perhaps a notch or two to the left of you on the "Cynical Scale," I share your main belief that any meaningful, PERMANENT change in the sexual dynamics of the relationship is ONLY possible when BOTH spouses:
a) realize there is a problem; b) are willing to confront the problem; c) are willing to compromise to SOLVE the problem.
I think there is some shorter-term, "fits and spurts" successes out there in couples where only one partner is applying the concepts, but I have yet to see any evidence of permanent change unless BOTH people (like the NOPs) are willing.
It's like that old joke:
"How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?"
A: "Only one; but the light bulb has to really WANT to change."
I also see SSM, PM and some of the other principles applied on this Board as being useful for the individual in helping them DEAL with the clashing libido sitch; not so much for actually solving it. The "de-fusion" and "Holding onto Myself" are good coping mechanisms, I think, but I don't see them leading to permanent, meaningful change when only one spouse is trying.
I would disagree with you on one thing. The mentality of this type of "superMom/superWoman" person is such that I would say that she wants to be BOTH the Super Mom and the Super Wife. It's just that the kids are FAR less forgiving than I am, and not as willing to back down from the daily battles. So it ends up being a "path of least resistance thing." Her thought process is more along the lines of:
"I know what he wants from me, and I know all of the things the kids need and want from me. And I can't possibly do them all. Chocolateeyes is a great an understanding guy, and doesn't seem to fight me too much anymore on this, so I'll just do "A, B and C" for the kids right now, and maybe -- soon -- he and I can get back on track."
