Quote: Can you give us an example of something that specific that you've said...a part of a conversation between you two where you feel you've been clear to her, and what she's said? Maybe that would help.
GEL
Sure. (First of all, I feel like I should continue to apologize to you, CeMar, for hijacking your thread, but then again our sitches are so simlilar, that maybe you don't mind).
This would be a typical conversation. While we haven't had it a hundred times, we HAVE had it probably a dozen or so times over the past 10 years:
Mrs. Choc: You're grouchy a lot lately.
Choc.: I know; I'm sorry.
MC: Are you pissed off about something?
Choc.: Nothing that we haven't talked about before.
MC: (sensing "the sex talk" coming, and wanting to avoid it) Oh. (turning it to HER, as she always does:) Well, my life is no picnic either.
Choc.: Well, you asked me what was bothering ME, and I'm just not happy about our relationship. We don't hold hands, you pull away when I give you anything more than a kiss on the cheek, and we NEVER make love anymore.
MC: (snotty) Oh, I know, I'm such a horrible wife, aren't I?
Choc: I didn't SAY you were a horrible wife; you asked me what was bothering me, and I'm telling you that the distance and lack of intimacy between us is what makes me grouchy.
MC: (either crying or screaming usually at this point) Well, I'm just totally overwhelmed. Everyone's "at" me, making demands. I just don't know how much more of it I can take.
Choc.: Do I make demands on you?
MC: Why do you always say that?! I didn't SAY you did, I just said I'm feeling totally overwhelmed. You have no idea what I do around here! If I don't do it, it doesn't get done. So excuse me if I don't feel sexy at the end of the day of cleaning up dog throw-up and cooking and cleaning and folding laundry, etc.!
Choc.: Don't I help?
MC: Yes, Choc., you do. But the kids do NOTHING, and it all falls back on me.
Choc.: Then tell the kids to help you. Who's the adult around here?
MC: It's easier just to do it myself; I just don't have the energy to fight with them all the time.
Choc.: It shouldn't BE a fight; you tell them what you expect of them, and what the consequences are if they don't do it. It's totally up to them. But I do more than I suspect 90% of husbands do to help around here, and you're working your a$$ off, so if you're overwhelmed, it's because the kids aren't pulling their share.
MC: Well, maybe I would feel more affectionate if you weren't so grouchy all the time. I rememember when you used to make me laugh; what happened to THAT guy?
Choc.: I'm sorry if I'm not as happy as I used to be. But you know how important affection and touching and -- yes, sex -- is to me, and when we don't ML, I'm going to be grouchy.
etc.,
etc.
Every conversation either breaks down into:
1) You're not as attractive to me, because you're grouchy all the time, and we've been apart so long that it's going to take a long, LONG time before things improve;
2) I know I'm not giving you what you want; I'm just a horrible wife, and I can see that I don't make you happy;
3) I'm just totally stressed out and overwhelmed, and exhausted from all the "demands" placed on me. (Choc.: "Do I make demands?" Mrs. Choc.: "No, but even when you don't, I KNOW what you want; it's written all over your face. So I know I'm not giving you what you want.")
