I understand that you feel she could have just asked...but often (from the other side of the fence) that doesn't make you feel very loved. It's someone telling you from their heart, on their own, that does.
I know you dread having conversations like this...but stuff like this truly needs to be done in person most of the time. Letters are a great beginning, but do not rely on them. It sounds to me like you probably need to learn to express yourself in other ways as well...it's a stretch, and it's uncomfortable to do, but probably necessary. I think the rewards will be worth the effort.
Quote: As I said unless the LD spouse decides to take an active role in finding a solution to the problem the HD spouse has few choices.
I feel exactly the same way. All of the solutions to this problem REQUIRE the complete active participation of the LD spouse. There is nothing that a HD can do to fix their marriages by themselves. This makes the LD appear to have ALL the power in a marriage. I feel very helpless in what I can do. There are things I suppose I caould do to make the marriage better for HER, but I can not think of a single thing that I can do to make the marriage better for me in any way. And the worst part is that there is nothing I can do to make me happy. Happiness is having a lover and I don't have one.
That post was nothing short of claaasic. Real "SSM Message Board Hall of Fame" material, and I'd like to make sure I get my ticket request in early for good seats for your induction ceremony.
Loving a good analogy as much as the next guy, and putting my best "Venus" hat on, I'm going to attempt to climb inside Mrs. Choclateeyes' head and tell you what I honestly think she'd think:
Mrs. Choc.:
"God, I can tell by that look in his eyes -- and all of his little comments this evening -- that he really wants this steak. And he'd better damned sure want it, because I spend a lot of time trying to make it nice. But I hope to God he doesn't ACTUALLY attempt to EAT any of it, because that would just be too much pressure on me. Can't he see how BUSY I am? I have FOUR KIDS! And if I don't do it, it doesn't get done, and I don't think ANYONE in this family appreciates any of that. Why can't he just be happy that I made him steak, and leave it at that? Am I a bad wife if I don't let him HAVE any of it? Of course I am . . . I'm a terrible wife. He's a good husband and father, and I should let him have some of this steak, but it's not like he's even indicated that he's WANTED any of it, so why should I? I'm exhausted, just from making it. And if I DO let him have some, -- oh my God -- he's going to want it EVERY NIGHT! I just can't deal with that right now. I mean, I wouldn't mind giving him steak once or twice a month, but every time I give it to him, he gets all mushy and complimentary and gets those puppy-dog eyes like 'Wouldn't it be wonderful to have steak THREE OR FOUR TIMES A WEEK, baby?' I just can't deal with that -- I'm only one person.
Maybe if I ignore him, he'll just go away . . ."
Sadly, I bet you I'm not far off AT ALL -- I do know my wife, extremely well.
Choc.
But Rabbit, I wasn't going to EAT it, I was just going to TASTE it...." -- Winnie the Pooh
You just stated what your own hurdle is that you need to overcome, by that I mean what YOU NEED TO DO.
Quote: There are things I suppose I caould do to make the marriage better for HER, but I can not think of a single thing that I can do to make the marriage better for me.
Do you truly not see how making the marriage better for her will motivate her to make things better for you? Are you really that stuck in tunnel vision? She is not going to suddenly wake up one morning and start doing what you want her to. She isn't going to suddently "get it" unless you communicate CLEARLY with her. And...you need to do something to deal with your anger towards the issues you two have. Sure, I know you come here and vent...that's ok, we all do at times....BUT your posts often drip of anger & resentment. If the little you write here has that type of feeling coming through I GUARANTEE YOU SHE FEELS IT FROM YOU TOO! That is perhaps the least motivating thing I can think of that you can do.
People on this board have told you this time and time again...why do you persist in this exercise of insanity? You are in a marriage CeMar, this is not all about YOU...there are two people involved. If she's unhappy about something (whatever it is) and you continue to not address it, or meet whatever need it is, or in this case...not make the marriage better for her....exactly how do you think she's going to be motivated to work on it with you?
People have given you some excellent advice on this board what have you actually tried or put into practice...besides just reading the books. The books are full of good ideas, but you actually have to try what's suggested, give things time and see if things work, and then try something else if what you tried before doesn't work.
Quote: And the worst part is that there is nothing I can do to make me happy. Happiness is having a lover and I don't have one.
I hear you on that one Cemar, BUT not having a lover doesn't have to equal total misery right? yes I know you have a life but just feel something is lacking...Don't let that lacking take away all your happiness...it's not worth it and will only foster more ill feelings in you.
I assume that what others here hear as anger pouring out of you is nothing more than desperation.
Don't know what there is that folks like us who's spouses are (seem) unwilling to do little more than acknowledge that an imbalance exhists. Should we clap our hands and ask for kudos for that? NOPE cause we know the drill...sure I know on some level that my lack of desire/drive is hurting you but "that's just the way I am".
what if that really IS just the way they are..that we aren't doing or not doing anything to attribute to their lack of desire...what if we truly are mismatched and we've got those spouses who just don't see it (physical intimacy)as important and expect us to be happy with what we get because they are happy with what they get.
I don't have any advice for you Cemar just wanted to let you know that I totally relate to your frustration.
And the worst part is that there is nothing I can do to make me happy. Happiness is having a lover and I don't have one.
As someone in a very similar sit I disagree. Your happiness if controlled by anyone or anything else will fail. Happiness is up to you. I always use this to keep me on "track" E+R=O Event + Response = Outcome. Your level of "being happy" (Outcome) is as much dependant on your Response as the Event (sexlessness)
No one can make you happy, nor can they make you not happy. What I think your fighting/struggling with is the Response part of the equation.
if your happiness is not in any way dependant or shouldn't in any way be dependant on any one but you...what's the purpose of an intimate relationship?
Now I understand the concept of you need to be happy yourself first but what happens when you are happy yourself but desire an intimate (including physical) relationship with another person but don't have one?
I can be as happy as a pig in sh!t with all other areas of my life...can go out with my girl friends laugh it up enjoy my kids and my home but still feel EMPTY (=lack of happiness) when it comes to a love life. How can that not be dependant on another?
I'm with lostlove -- and CeMar -- on this one. When does getting "unfused" turn into meaningless distance?
I think I have a pretty healthy balance of: "Look, Chocolateeyes is not the sum total of how MrsChocolateeyes treats him, esp. as it relates to sex. I am my own person, with my own interests, abilities, and unique personality outside of my marital relationship."
But I ALSO think it's healthy -- and natural -- to want, or even crave, our primary Love Language from the one person we chose above all others to spend the rest of our lives with.
For some of us, that's Physical Touch/Affection/SEX, and to not have it makes us very empty and sad.
In a relationship the sum is greater than the parts, but how much greater? In a fully functioning relationship, the intimacy, desire, touching, wanting, needing, sexually causes a closeness that to me turns into an overall feeling of ‘wellness’. Call it happiness, call it love, call it what you want, all I know is I WANT THAT, I want to feel it, and I want to think of it during the day and cant wait to be with my W, to feel it some more.
Don’t tell me that you can feel fully satisfied and happy knowing that this is possible but not being able to achieve it.
I think this is the hardest thing to explain, it isn’t the sex, I that is all we were looking for, I’m sure everyone knows how to find that, or take care of themselves if that is all we were looking for....
