Quote: Because the LD is LD there is little motivation for them to DO something about it...why should they...it's not THEIR problem that their spouse isn't getting enough physical affection/attention.
And my point is that there is something askew MORE than sex drive if the spouse is unmotivated and dismissive of your needs.
I wasn't hungry everytime I fed my child. My motivation to *care* for my child had nothing whatsoever to do with my own hunger or needs. I purchase things at the grocery store that I have no interest in, I have cooked things I don't like, I have hosted gaggles of kids when it filled no social need of mine. I have given medicine to pets when i wasn't sick, I have ferried elderly neighbors around on errands when I had no place I needed to go.
So, if I didn't have the same motivation or the same level of motivation - why was I motivated to do any of the above?
Something more than having the identical motivation was at work.
Quote:
The HD spouse knows/feels this lack even if everything else in the relationship is wonderful (though how can it be if there is a sense of lacking on one partners side?) the HD spouse is obviously more motivated to DO something to change the sexual dynamic but is left with few choices (1. accept a ssm 2. become LD yourself 3. Leave the m) unless/until the LD spouse DECIDES they'd like to take an active role in the situation.
Or actively, consistantly pursue solutions making every effort to convey to your spouse the high degree of importance involved. That means pushing through the anger and/or depression you feel and accepting the likely possibility that continuing to bring up the issue is going to make things unpleasant for a time. It doesn't mean tentively bringing it up, everyone blowing up in anger, squelching it all back down again for a few weeks/months while it leaks out in a myriad of ways into the marriage, and then exploding in anger or resentment again a few weeks/months down the road.
It means letting the spouse know that this issue is not going to go away. That you want and need them to work with you on it. Their continued refusal to even acknowledge that the *marriage* has a problem much less a lackluster attempt to work at it will destroy the relationship.
Done with firmness. With gentleness. Without anger and resentment (as much as humanly possible). But with steely resolve.
Even if it is saying "Okay, I have the problem. But that problem is expressing itself in our relationship. I have set up an appointment with a counselor (or pastor or grandma or other person/couple that you know has a good grasp on marriage) and I am asking you to help me work on my problem."
