Quote: MrsNOP - whether my wife wants the power, has ill intentions with the power, or is ignorant of her power...in the end no matter how, she's got the power. My power lies in my ability to leave, to cope, to persuade, to work toward a solution etc.
My concern is that if the problem continues to be couched in terms of power, the ability to pursue and reach a solution is going to be severely hampered, if not impossible.
Are some of our spouses unmitigated turds who are selfishly, callously choosing to exercise control over us?
Yeah. Probably so.
If you (rhetorical you, not you specifically) are married to said unmitigated turd, then perhaps you need to stop concerning yourself with sexual frequency and see what you can do to rescue the rest of your life from the tyrant to whom you are married.
In my circumstance, our sexual relationship was an accurate reflection of our relationship.
Quote: I try and use the concept of being hungry. I'm starving and my wife has just grilled a steak with all the trimming and to top it off she has banana pudding (mmm getting hungry). But she's not hungry, in fact she's not sure if she’ll ever be hungry and will not allow me to have any until she's hungry. She's got the power. My choice is to make a sandwich, go out and get McDonalds, stay hungry.
I hope this explains what I’m trying to say about power in our relationship.
But our relationships aren't that clear cut, are they? Here's what I've read on various boards over the years and inserting that info into your "my wife's got steak" analogy:
1. You made fun of her cooking skills or let her know that her steak-making skills were lacking in some way.
2. You got up from the table a few times in the past when she had her steak served piping hot.
3. You helped yourself to your neighbor's steak and your wife knows or suspects.
4. You yelled at her, withdrew from her or spent a grand total of 5 minutes during the day actually conversing with her - now where the hell is your steak?
5. Your dentures didn't work well a couple of times and you couldn't eat her steak - she was left with the impression that it was all her fault and that her steak was too tough.
6. She had her steak forcibly taken in the past.
7. She was reared to believe that steak is wrong or dirty.
8. She doesn't know jack-squat about steak, either preparation or eating, and goes to extremes to disguise her ignorance.
9. Her steak is kinda lumpy, got gristle sticking out and looks nothing like that cookbook you've got with pics of sizzling steaks.
10. She's spotted a sweater she likes in the mall the other day and told you about it, but for her birthday you get her a set of steak knives, another case of steak sauce, and a recipe book entitled "The Joy of Steak".
So, how productive is it to ignore the dynamics that often go into the situation and settle it squarely on our spouse's head as "least interested, got control"?
Having a lower sex drive does not explain why a spouse acts unconcerned and unloving toward you. Having a lower sex drive doesn't explain why your spouse refuses to actively, continuously work toward a solution with you. Having a lower sex drive does not explain the inability to arrive at a solution.
By concentrating only on your spouse's sex drive, we miss the bigger picture of the f*cked up relationship and relational dynamics. IMO.
