Interesting, isn't this philosophy what the LD counts on? The lower desire (least interest) has the power.
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MrsNOP - whether my wife wants the power, has ill intentions with the power, or is ignorant of her power...in the end no matter how, she's got the power. My power lies in my ability to leave, to cope, to persuade, to work toward a solution etc.
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A LD spouse (male or female) will never recognize the "power" or "control" they have over the relationship.
On the subject of power, all the authorities cite that the LD spouse controls the frequency, context and type of sexual contact. I won’t argue it. However, I would venture that most LD spouses don’t view it as power. I would also venture to guess that the LD spouse feels as powerless over the situation as the HD spouse.
Empowerment, for me, came in the form of knowledge, understanding and ultimately, self-change. It had very little to do with my H, in fact. The dynamics in our relationship changed forever when I stopped being angry. I was truly able to communicate to him how much pain I was in only when I killed the anger. When I got a grip and stopped blaming him, it became clear that it was nobody’s fault. We were simply in marriage’s natural crucible. However, my years of pain had brought me to the point where I was truthfully able to tell him that I was going down the road of irrevocable change, and if our sexual relationship did not improve, I could not predict which would be the more painful of the two options (sex starved marriage vs end of marriage) for me. He understood that I was not trying to control or threaten, but merely being honest. We sat down and talked about a frequency that was acceptable to us both.
In retrospect, my H was never, ever cold or calculating about sex. In fact, he was often very giving. But I couldn’t see the forest for the trees.
I can tell you that the LD spouse in my marriage no longer controls the frequency or type of sexual contact. In fact, no one controls anything or anyone. It is not about power. I am still the HD in our marriage, but it feels very different to me now.
