I think you may be right about the flowers at the office. Not that they aren't nice...I do love it when my H brings me my favorite flowers...but that's just as much at home as anywhere else. What I really like though....is that HE brings them to me and doesn't have them sent.
However, yes...I'm adding this He has always said, up until recently, that "I know how much you like to get these at the office"....which when asked , meant that he thought I liked to show them off to the other ladies....because in his past experience he was berated if he didn't send flowers to the office for his ex so she could show them off.
Now...of course I know there are women who do love to show stuff like this off at work...I know this (I think I may be a bit of an oddity with this)...but that's not why "I" like it when he brings me flowers.
It's not the gift of flowers I appreciate so much as I like it because HE took the time out of his day to do this for me and then HE delivered them to me in person, which he almost always makes the effort to do. Then the flowers make me think of him each time I look at them.
So to make a long story short...I think he also bought gifts for my "female friend's consumption" as you said.
Quote: A manly man. They come in all ages, shapes, sizes and personalities. I'm not talking about the kind of guy that only grunts, but I am talking about the kind of guy who isn't just another one of my girlfriends. He is the ying to my yang. I *want* there to be differences between us.
No offense, but I would have thought NOPkins fit the bill nicely as-is, no C required. In my book, manly men don't have deep meaningful discussions, get it when they want it, and eschew BBs.
Now let me turn it around. Let's say I want a womanly women. Cook my dinner, have my kids, clean my clothes, give me hot S whenever I want it on my terms. You know, a real woman. No offense of course. Wait! I'm a warrior, what do I care?
I was hoping some of insightful ladies of the board would pop in…thanks.
Mrs NOP - Yes, she’s responded to some of the romantic things I’ve done but the response was not a sexual one
What is confounding to me is that I’ve done the things or versions of the things she’s described to me as making her “swoon” and I’ve not gone right out and done them, I’ve waited in some cases years before doing it.
I guess I don’t fit in any of the roles very well. I’m a nice guy, educated and I’m very much a warrior (I’m an advance student in Krav Maga) In fact some of her friends are afraid of me (I look intimidating at times, maybe because I’m frustrated?)…until they get to know me.
And don’t worry about offending me, the best have already tried I appreciate your insights and the contribution.
GEL – If she doesn’t feel protected by me then I’m not sure what the deal is…
IHJ – interesting that you didn’t get your drive until he rejected you. Did he just simply reject you over time or was it part of a discussion. I’ve reached a point where I’m not interested in LM with the wife…but I’ve not discussed it with her yet. It’s too hard to have sex, enjoy the closeness and intimacy then get rejected by her for 3 months.
Yes I‘ve discussed this subject at length with her. I’ve bought books (I read them she makes it through maybe a couple of chapters, been to counselors, wrote long emails back and forth and we’ve made basically made zero permanent progress. We’ve had a few periods off and on where we are ok but that doesn’t last more than 2 months.
Would I let her read my post? Maybe. But I’ve already written it all down for her on numerous times in much more detail over the last 5 years…
Here's a question for you. I just remembered a situation this past summer that made me think of this.
Do you play the strong silent type when there's a crisis? Are you the take charge, show no fear kind of guy? These aren't bad traits...so don't think I'm going there...but here's why I ask.
This past summer...we found out I was pregnant, normally a very happy thing to find out...unfortunately it was tubal and emergency surgery had to happen. I was SCARED TO DEATH naturally....but my H never showed any fear or real concern about the situation. Yes, he was concerned that I was in pain, I don't mean that...but he was as calm as a cucumber...normally something I like.
I had no idea however that he was as scared or rattled as he was until after the fact, when I talked to his mom and some of my friends (that he had called)...really up until then I didn't know how much I meant to him.
I finally explained one day to him that I wished he had shown some fear in that circumstance....because it would have been comforting to me in a way to know I wasn't alone in my fear. Does that make sense?
stu wrote: --------------- No offense, but I would have thought NOPkins fit the bill nicely as-is, no C required. In my book, manly men don't have deep meaningful discussions, get it when they want it, and eschew BBs. ---------------
I detect a bit of fiery sarcasm.
I will make sure that I respond in short sentences.
I never did the counseling thing.
Michele pointed out my problem on this bulletin board.
My problem was anger.
The other problems were basic relationship problems.
Once I fixed my problem and MrsNOP fixed hers, we got better.
I do get it whenever I want it.
:-) -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Yes, I'm very calm don’t get rattled even when I'm scared to death. But that's because I have to be. It was built into me when I was young. If I was rattle or panicked I got hurt. We’ve had the emergencies and yes I was scared but I did what I thought needed to be done and set the fear aside until the event was over.
You’re right in that my wife isn’t aware of how much my emotions vary. Good? Bad? Don’t know.
IHJ, I think you hit the nail on the head. Mrs GGB had no idea of the pain I was feeling until we really opened up during the WWME weekend. Once she saw my hurt, she's been trying very very hard to make sure my needs are being met. Reading other LDW's posts on here, especially yours, have made me start to understand what a struggle it is for her as well. Her most frequent complaint, if that is the right word, is that she has such a hard time keeping up with my SD, and that she doesn't really feel very sexy. I struggle to keep focused on all that she is doing rather than what she is not (it is so easy to fall back into the anger and resentment, and unless I really try to put myself in her shoes, it is hard to get out of that mode). She really is a terrific woman, and I am floored by the amount she is trying to stretch herself to please me.
I know for a fact that she's not trying to manipulate me with sex. Instead, it is just that sex is not something she naturally aspires to. Like you, she doesn't understand why she doesn't have much of a drive, and she's trying hard to get one. Personally, I'd love it if she'd come visit the BB (and I've invited her several times). I think she'd probably find a more balanced perspective than I am able to give, and that she'd find some comfort knowing that there are other LDWs struggling with the same issues she is.
--GGB, who is starting to realize his W's struggle is at least as hard as his.
I can only speak from my experience on this...but for me, that's bad.
Quote: You’re right in that my wife isn’t aware of how much my emotions vary
The way this makes me feel with my H is that I have to guess how he's feeling...I HATE that! I felt so alone in my fear. I can't tell you how conforting it would have been for me to know he was as scared as I was. Now that doesn't mean he would have needed to run around in a panic, crying his eyes out. That's not it at all....but just some words to me to let me know he was scared but there for me...that's all I required. Something!
I know he's been conditioned to be this way, I understand that...but that doesn't help me to know how he feels. I cannot assume it. When you stay so rock steady in your outward emotional appearrance it's very hard for her to know what you are feeling on the inside, or how you feel about her.
My H just assumed that because he married me I should always know that he loves me, cares for me, fears for me etc. I cannot know that if he never shows me that...and how can I guess which emotion he's feeling if he stays constant on the outside? See what I mean?
Do you think it's possible your W has been left guessing?
Lackn... My H is the same way; very stoic in the face of an emergency. In general, he has a hard time showing "difficult" emotions and many times I just assume he is fine, tough, strong, etc. That's why I say that the one thing that might have turned me around before it got to a crisis point would have been H's showing me, in some way, his pain. I know you said you wrote to your W before, but how emotional was it? Do you think the notes really conveyed the depth of your struggle and the desperation you feel? Does your face show these emotions? I just wonder how much of what is conveyed on this BB is expressed at home.
You asked if H and I discussed beforehand his rejection of me...the answer is no. As I got more sexual, the conflicts ensued and we dealt with them as they came up. Finally we made a plan for the weekly date nite which turned things around. It's been a looong road...my old posts tell ( some of) the story.
I appreciate your insights and the contribution. 