Can someone explain to me why some people don't like to have their erotic areas touched by their own spouses? I would KILL to have my spouse touch me ANYWHERE, particularly the genitals. But my wife hates to be touched in these areas unless we are specifically making love. She even gets pissed if my hands roam to far. I just can not understand why some people do not like to be touched by their own freaking spouse. If I put my hand on my wifes ass, even on the outside of her jammies, she gets pissed. It just seems so freaking weird that there are people that don't like physical touch.
Just a quick question - are you fondling her sexually or affectionately. If she is LD then to her, there may just be a difference. And if she thinks it's sexually, there could lie your problem.
For some folks, erotic touching is a form of intimacy. If the relationship is operating without any or with very little relational intimacy, then it's not very much different from having an acquaintance reaching for your personal parts.
If you had something better in the past (and I know from your descriptions here that you did), then something has changed for your wife that results in her not wanting to be touched intimately by you. It very well could be the birth of children, hormones amuck and thyroid difficulties. But you know, none of those explains the pissed attitude towards you.
Somewhere along the line, Cemar, it appears she has grown to dislike you. To disrespect you.
Have you ever asked her if she would want her son's to eventually have wives who avoided their touch? Have you ever told her that you miss kissing? That you miss snuggling on the couch? Have you ever told her how crushed you are when she cringes from your touch?
She needs to know. Right now she is probably wrapped up in her own version of your marriage - and it doesn't include you in the way you want to be included. I think you need to stop quietly being hurt and saying "I'm fine" when she asks what's wrong.
Quote: For some folks, erotic touching is a form of intimacy. If the relationship is operating without any or with very little relational intimacy, then it's not very much different from having an acquaintance reaching for your personal parts.
Makes me think of my LDH. I've often wondered if he's actually ever experienced "relational/emotional intimacy", my hunch is no. Or if he has he was terribly hurt and no longer allows himself to go there...hence counseling He doesn't really reject my touch by pushing my hand away, it's more by complete inaction. Also when he does touch me it's not very romantic or sexual as it is more what one might think of a fumbling teenager. He doesn't seem at all sure of what he's doing after I get thins going.
If I arouse her first, then touching can move onto the breasts and genitals. But if I cuddle up behind her in bed for example, and run my hands over her body and move up to her breasts without the arousal, then she has a cow and tells me to stick to the task at hand. I really can't understand how people would NOT like to be touched. The things I do to her body I would KILL for, and yet she dislikes them. She has told me that I have done things sexually to her that has caused disrespect. Evidently I ML to her when she really did not want to have sex, but she more or less let me do her. I have never raped her, but obviously she gave me duty sex and this caused her to disrespect me. I will tell you, it can be very hard to know when a LD women actually wants erotic touching to continue into sex and when it does not. She literally can respond to my touch while at the same time be virtually asleep. I have done things to her body that were starting to arouse her but if things continue long enough, I can literally hear her snoring, she has fallen asleep in the middle of being aroused! So she disrespects me fo ML to her when she is not fully aroused, but to be fully aroused is darn near impossible to predict with her.
I know she has g=body image problems, and in many ways is NOT confident with her body. This is the complete opposite of me, I find it very hard to comprehend why anyonew would not like to be touched by their spouse. It's almost like the LD thinks that any sexual touching is going to lead to sex. Not always, it is just playful touching. It's like don't touch me or touch me when we are deep into arousal, but there is nothing inbetween?
I can definately identify with you. It sounds like our wives are the same in this respect (I haven't read your other posts so I can't say they are exactly alike).
Anyway... my wife is definately two different people with no middle ground. If we are ML then I can touch her anywhere, no problem. If we are not ML then it is HANDS OFF. I have a friend who tells me that he goes up to his wife in the kitchen and grabs her breast while hugging her from behind. His wife is LD too, but she just says "lay off" - and then he snickers... I told him that if I did that I would get decked.
My wife does not want to be touched in any of the "forbidden zones" unless we are ML. One time she was worried about a lump on her breast. She was telling me about it in the bedroom and she just said "here, you feel and tell me what you think..." I was so shocked I actually had to ask her permission three times... "you want me to TOUCH your breast?" - "you want me to TOUCH YOUR BREAST right now?" - "with my HAND, are you sure?"
Isn't that ridiculous...
Let's see if this one fits...
My wife thinks I'm a sex maniac (we have sex once every 19 days by her schedule). I try to explain to her that I just want to be extremely comfortable with her - she doesn't understand me. This morning she was getting up to go biking. I was going to get in the shower. We had a sleepover for my son so there were other kids in the house. Here is how the scene played out. She closed the bedroom door. Got every item of clothing she was going to need out of the bathroom closet and placed it on the bed. Then she waited for me to go into the bathroom so she could change out of my sight. Wouldn't it have just been so much more comfortable (intimate) if she came in the bathroom while I was undressing for the shower and got changed into her clothes.
Yeah, I know what you're going to say... body image...
Quote: It's almost like the LD thinks that any sexual touching is going to lead to sex.
YES you got it. She is LD she does not want sex as often as you do when you touch her erotic zones all her warning lights come up "oh no here we go again" She knows she is getting into a whole can of worms, do or I or don't I feel like sex right now, if I don't he will feel rejected, if I try to go with the flow and see if my desire perks up then maybe it won't and I end up feeling used.
I would not describe myselft as LD - in fact I am higher drive than H but I have been there. I do know what it feels like as a woman to be touched erotically when you don't feel like sex. The way you know if she wants it is when she instantly reciprocates. If you touch her and her response is very low key then leave it. She knows you want her to have sex more, whether you have said it or not. When you touch her that way it is like you are saying Please may I have sex. She feels confused and upset by wanting to say no to you. She doesn't want to say no but her body doesn't want sex. Duty sex happens, don't feel bad about it - we hate rejecting you guys. If she loves you she wants you to be happy so she wants to fulfill your desires. Trouble is sometimes her desires don't match. When I have done duty sex sometimes I feel terrible other times I have got turned on somewhere along the line and it has turned out fine. Trouble is I never know which is going to happen. Sometimes I have been so upset by the feeling of being used that I have not been able to continue and that is WAY more upsetting than turning H down at the start.
Also are you seriously suggesting that if your W touched your ass or other erotic area you would not think she wanted sex??? That you would be happy with her giving you a quick fondle and leave it at that? Even without the psycho-blah these areas are sensitive, they're kind of ticklish and if you're not in the mood to be tickled that kind of touch is just annoying.
If physical touch is all you want then stick to non-erogenous areas, if sex is what you want then use a bit of suggestive fondling by all means but she only needs about 2 seconds to respond or not.
Good luck
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
I have to say that I would be considered the hd in our relationship, never mind 17 days....its comming upto 7 months . This has caused me to have a bad bodie image and I will not be naked in front of him at all, I wasnt always like this, its since the constant rejection and the putting 2 and 2 together, he no longer wants to make love to me so there must be a problem, I have gained weight so theres the problem.....the trouble is when I think about it logically he did this to his prevous girlfriend. About the touching, I would love him to have wandering hands on the occassion. Funny my ex husband used to always be going for my breast, I mean always...and it used to get on my nerves, he was very much a boob man....I used to remind him that I didnt just have boobs. So I cant seem to find a inbetween man
Quote: She knows she is getting into a whole can of worms, do or I or don't I feel like sex right now
Do I or don't I feel likd sex? Now there is a question that I will NEVER ask myself. To actually not feel like sex is something I have not experienced since I hit puberty over 35 years ago. Can women relate to this? Is there anything in a womens life that is as driving a force as the male sex drive. Is there anything that women think of every 5 seconds of every day for 30-40 years? If so, I would like to know, then I might have some leverage to meet her needs.
Quote: Is there anything that women think of every 5 seconds of every day for 30-40 years? If so, I would like to know, then I might have some leverage to meet her needs.
So you want to manipulate her into giving you what you need?
What is her LL, what did you do in the FIRST place to woo this woman make her fall in love with you and want to be with you. Go back to base - you are an HDM you must have gotten what you wanted from her way back when, and she must have had her reasons for giving that to you. I bet she enjoyed being flattered, dated, talked to, made to feel special that's what revved her engines. If you want to cut through the clutter that is in your LDW's mind you need to do it through her mind not her body!
Take her out on dates Compliment her appearance (not in a raunchy way - just compliment outfits, hair etc) Send her cute little text messages or e-mails through the day buy her little gifts
Do NOT expect instant success - do NOT think if I take her out on a date she will ball me tonight, woo her the way you did when you guys first got together. That is the NO. 1 mistake that most guys make, giving up on the chase when they think they've got the prize.
Also BTW once you have got an LDW's fires burning try to fan those flames, if it was hot then keep it hot. LD's fires go out easily. If it was cool you need to do more wooing first before you try again.
Cool off, and warm her up.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
He doesn't really reject my touch by pushing my hand away, it's more by complete inaction. Also when he does touch me it's not very romantic or sexual as it is more what one might think of a fumbling teenager. He doesn't seem at all sure of what he's doing after I get thins going.
. This has caused me to have a bad bodie image and I will not be naked in front of him at all, I wasnt always like this, its since the constant rejection and the putting 2 and 2 together, he no longer wants to make love to me so there must be a problem, I have gained weight so theres the problem.....the trouble is when I think about it logically he did this to his prevous girlfriend.