Well, isn't this neat. I have been seeing my ex now for the last month or so. We were married two years from April 2002-July 2004. I'm 29, and she's 27 and no kids. She left for various reasons, but really she didn't seem to know at the time why she was so unhappy; she was just convinced that it was me and was afraid that she made a "mistake" in marrying me, almost from the beginning. So, since she left me in November 03 I had been largely ignoring her and not trying to force any contact. Out of the blue she called me last month and asked if I was willing to talk. I agreed and was shocked that she had seriously considered, with the help of a counselor, what was going on in her life and had made some very positive changes. As a result of these changes, she saw my actions in our marriage in a very different light. Now, I am still struggling with the concern that she will fall back into her destructive behavior and again feel that I am "the problem" but I have seen some very positive signs from her. Well, if things continue going well for us, we just might be one of those couples where the divorce isn't the end.
Wow. A call out of the blue. Very promising. And what is even more promising is her willingness to use a counselor. You just need to take things as they come. You have exhibited the patience you need since Nov 03. Keep it up.
Quote: Now, I am still struggling with the concern that she will fall back into her destructive behavior and again feel that I am "the problem" but I have seen some very positive signs from her.
I understand the worry, but she is making the right move. Whatever you do, let her bring that stuff up. Or allow yourself to listen to her and read the clues which suggest she has really changed. You will know the difference.
So far, I see some very positive signs. One of which is that she says she is certain that our relationship could be a lasting one, and I think she really believes that. When we were married, she always had a nagging doubt about the relationship even from the beginning. She had a feeling that I would leave or that somehow it wouldn't work out. It was obvious that the doubt was there with what she said and how she said it, but I don't see those signs now at all. There was also a jealous friend that was an extremely negative influence and fed her many lies about me, both while we were married and during our separation and subsequent divorce. She no longer has contact with that friend. I do worry that she has to be responsible for her own thoughts and she was very easily influenced by this friend but I also believe from listening to her that she understands that her friend would not have been able to affect her so much if she didn't have the underlying fears.
Well, enough rambling for now. Thanks for the support!
Well, Things have been going very well with my ex. I am feeling better than ever about her intentions and the work she has domne to change. Now, one remaining issue is my own mother. She is very uncomfortable with my seeing my ex because of how she left me before and how it affected me. I know she is looking out for my good, but this could get pretty hairy if this continues. I have told her how I feel and she won't tell me not to do what I'm doing, but she also makes it clear that she doesn't approve. My ex's family is just the opposite - they're happy that she wants to work with me, but they never agreed with us splitting anyway so that's not a surprise.
As for how we've been doing lately, it's been great. She's been telling me when she appreciates things I've done for her and she has been supportive of my needs. At this point although she's the one that originally left, I find myself having trouble accepting everything although that is definitely getting better.
Your situation sounds very promising, you may not be asking for advice, however if you were all I could say is take it slow, build your communication skills and trust.
Mothers are very protective, especially of their sons. Your x has violated her trust and hurt her son. I understand her reluctance, but if your x is true the trust will come back.
I know I have depended on my Mom alot. She would love to see us back together. However, she does not trust her and she routinely gets frustrated with her actions. So I kinda know where your coming from.
Do you know why she had the feeling that the R was dooomed?
There were multiple reasons that I know of that she thought the relationship was doomed (and probably more that I don't know yet). From what we have discussed, a very large part of it was that she was just flat our unsure of herself and on top of that had unrealistic expectations of marriage. She also had a hard time showing and receiving affection, in part because an uncle molested her when she was a child and she was unwilling/unable to deal with it. She has been working on all of these issues with her C for some time before she contacted me, and continues to see the C every week. Another item that I already had a good idea about was a fear of losing control. She was never able to tell me why she thought I was controlling while we were together, but she was able to explain it to me now and tell me that she put me in a terrible position on multiple occasions. She had a very bad habbit of turning to alcohol when angry or stressed, and when it became late in the night and I was ready to go home, she wasn't and really resented my trying to get her to go home before hurting herself. I knew then and I know now that my actions caused resentment but I really didn't know what else to do. I really had no way to have a positive outcome and she realized this some time ago. As it turns out, it is more why and how she was drinking than the fact that she was drinking. She has learned of other ways to cope with her stress through C. The last major reason that I am aware of that she felt the R was a problem is that her former best friend really tried to sabotage the R. It wasn't this friend looking out for her, it was this friend actively trying to sabotage the M. I also realize that if the situations above weren't happening and my X had more self-confidence, this so-called friend would not have succeeded.
Finally, I have seen positive signs from all of the issues, with one of the top ones that she is seeing the C and actually working on problems. Plus, the "friend" is out of the picture. All of the rest of her friends and her family are supportive of her and are supportive of her decision to attempt to reconcile with me.
I just wanted to also state some of the things that I have done since the separation and D.
I have GAL and reconnected with one of the hobbies/recreation items that I did before the M: motorcycling. Although I had a nasty wreck last year, I have no intention of giving this up and am doing all I can to be more careful and responsible with it in the future.
I also joined a community band for part of the summer and will join up with them again this year.
I continued seeing a C myself for quite a while to help keep my head on straight during the whole breakup too.
