-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Things are about the same. I'm basically staying out of H's way as much as I can, feeling lousy at times 'cause I'm not doing anything, but realizing also that's the only thing I can do right now.
The kids are doing ok. I try to spend as much time as I can with them, and they are talking to me more about their feelings etc.
My 'outward' motion has sort of been put on hold, this time of year is crazy both at home and work, so I'm not even trying to figure out what to do at least 'till 'summer' vacation starts in a few weeks.
Things have been quieter, since I'm not taking H's bait, he did drag out the last encounter I wrote about here out for several weeks, any time he feels bad he pulls out how I 'treated him' that night, and I made the mistake of misunderstanding that he was NOT done reading to the boys the other night, which got me several days of him telling me he couldn't understand what a horrible W I am, but really, it's not bothering me any more. It's more annoying that I'm here to put up with it, though it does get to me that he often does it in front of the kids - and I know there's still yelling going on at bed time. Yesterday when I put the boys to bed and asked if they had fun today, they said 'Yeah - Daddy didn't yell at all today!'
I've just stuck to 'If you hurt that bad, then you should go and talk to someone, 'cause I can't help you'. I do catch myself sliding into 'martyr' thinking every once in a while, but I've done a lot of growing myself.
I wish it were possible to find an accountant (personal ones are still very very much a rare luxury around here) to sit down and go over things with me, as I'll admit I'm too emotional in that department to even figure out where to start right now, so I could figure out where I stand. I suppose somewhere I still hold out a small desperation of hope, but the reality is, I can't do anything if H is not interested.
There was an 'incident' last week at the in-laws, the kids were there for the day, and Ukki (grampa) yelled at them pretty badly. I found out the next day when MIL called to apologize. She spent the rest of the day making sure I wouldn't say anything to FIL...I don't want to end up like that. I'm trying to figure out how I can enforce this new boundary that the kids are not to spend time at in-laws unless we're ALL there, or at least, Ukki isn't.
But there have been lots of positive things going on for me - if even half my plans work out, I will be doing quite a bit of playing next year as well as teaching...
Happy May Day (big carnival here) - woke up to snow on the trees this morning!
I am glad that you are at least maintaining your sanity.
quote: ------------- Yesterday when I put the boys to bed and asked if they had fun today, they said 'Yeah - Daddy didn't yell at all today!' -------------
That is actually good that they have learned the difference between positive behavior and negative behavior and at least some understanding that the negative behavior isn't their fault.
On the accountant, do you have a fairly close friend that can sit down with you and have a look at the finances?
quote: ------------------ I'm trying to figure out how I can enforce this new boundary that the kids are not to spend time at in-laws unless we're ALL there, or at least, Ukki isn't. ------------------
Tell your husband that you don't want your children around Ukki by themselves, ever again. That you don't trust him not to hurt them, and you would hate to have to contact the authorities because you thought your children were in danger, and wouldn't that be embarrassing.
The additional playing next year sounds great. I played trombone for a decade or so when I was younger. I loved playing jazz. I can still run scales with little effort, but I am afraid that my embouchure would need a lot of work to sound good again.
quote: ----------------- The kids are doing ok. I try to spend as much time as I can with them, and they are talking to me more about their feelings etc. -----------------
It is good that they are confiding in you. In a bad situation, having at least one parent that they can trust is very important.
Take care, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: I am glad that you are at least maintaining your sanity.
Hmmm...I wonder sometimes. I find I've been forgetful, or just plain spacey. But at least now I know what's going on, I'm able to keep a better grip on myself.
Had a rough week a couple of weeks ago, for a number of different reasons, a few friends I've been relying on sort of 'disappeared'. I really felt like I had hit bottom. I managed to climb out, and ended up stronger in the end.
I've done a lot of soul-searching. Trying to figure out where that lack of self-esteem came from. I did manage to dig up some stuff, remembering old school stuff, and a roommate from h3ll that makes my H look like an angel. Guess my coming here (to Finland) gave me a chance to start again, but there were still some old wounds that hadn't healed.
Quote: On the accountant, do you have a fairly close friend that can sit down with you and have a look at the finances?
The only one I can think of is H's cousin's W. She is a pretty good friend, but I haven't had a chance to talk with her much lately. I'm sure that if I confided with her, she would be willing to help, but it is a little bit of 'conflict of interest'...I'll have to think about it.
Quote: Tell your husband that you don't want your children around Ukki by themselves, ever again. That you don't trust him not to hurt them, and you would hate to have to contact the authorities because you thought your children were in danger, and wouldn't that be embarrassing.
Hmm...not sure how good an idea that is. Call me chicken, but being that straightforward may very well backfire on me. H would certainly use it as fuel for something.
It won't be a big problem, anyway. In summer, Ukki spends most of the time at the summer cottage, next fall, there'll be less need of them to help out, even if I don't find any one else to help.
Trombone, huh? Should have known . I really do admire jazz players, I'm glad they're pushing here to include more improv. in classical training too. Actually, just by virtue of being an American, I'm a bit of an expert here, lol. It's gotten better, but when I first got here, Fins had no concept of jazz rhythms.
'Bout the chops - it's often more a breathing problem than the lips, the big muscles down low that don't get used for much else. Brass players use just the opposite lip muscles than flutists, so I don't have any good exersizes.
Maybe W, a piano major but also a flutist (that's how we met - she bought a new flute and I bought her old one), is a Finn.
Even though I'm a saxophonist (preferably bari), I rank Duke Ellington second only to Gerry Mulligan in my list of favorites. I can put some Ellington in front of her and she can hit every note perfectly - but the woman has no soul. She's great on other stuff: classical, contemporary, baroque, even impressionist stuff like Frederic Mompou (she did Scènes d'enfants for her freshman recital). Mompou is most well known for his harmonies and chord structures, but he also gets noticed for his “jazz-like” rhythms. So why is it that she can play that stuff so well, but sounds so wooden when it comes to jazz? I don’t get it, the woman just has no soul.
I'm sorry you still are having trouble. I recognize the behavior you describe in your husband, the yelling and especially the pettiness. I recognize the behavior in both me and my W. It has abated quite a bit over the past 2 years as other things have improved.
Both W and I yell at our kids. Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they are just too much for us. I'm sure that your H and Ukki crossed the line, but I believe a certain amount of raised voices is unavoidable in the real world.
I'm not so sure it's lack of soul (course it could be...) as much as not being able to get in touch with it.
A friend of mine asked me to play a children's Easter service with her this spring, and I ended up improvising during it. Not anything jazzy, and it was solo, but I think that's the first time I've ever done it. Wouldn't have even thought it possible a few years ago...and I got a lot of compliments.
Classical training has for a long time been about reading notes and learning rhythms. VERY strictly. A good orchestral player has to be absolutely spot on.
Not that one is better than the other, but they are very, very different. While jazz players complain that classical players have no feeling in their playing (all too true too often), classical players complain that jazz players can't 'really' control their instrument (also often true if measured by the classical stick).
I would love to play jazz. But it would be as scary at first as starting that first convo with a spouse about a SSM. I'm really glad that one of my better students took a opportunity to play with her school's jazz band this year. They didn't really want a flutist...but she's learning a lot. I think for many classically trained players, it's a bit like walking a tightrope with no safety net. I know far too many classically trained pianists, for example, who could move you to tears playing Chopin, but won't (can't??) improvise an accompaniment to a simple children's song.
That's not to say that classical players don't have heart, and the best usually could (and do, if not in a jazz setting) improvise as well. But we train for hours to keep a steady beat, while jazz players play for hours off the beat, and with what to us sounds like a lazy sense of rhythm (I know, it's not).
I suspect she has a soul - it's in a different place.
I'm sure it sounds really petty right now, because it is. There really isn't any interaction between us except for this petty stuff.
I would give anything for it not to be that way. I've basically shut down. Any time I've tried to get past this petty stuff, he twists my words, and we end up in a circle going nowhere. I refuse to listen to him when he yells, which means he either chases me through the house and blocks doorways so he can, or then he changes his tactics to passive agressive whining.
Yesterday, for example, he called from work to ask me for his cousin's phone no. I couldn't find it, so he asked me to e-mail him when I did. Well, I didn't, and what with running around with 4 kids all day, I never got a chance to send a note to tell him so.
Last night, before i had a chance to tell him that I didn't find the number he put a bottle of medicine on the desk next to my computer and said 'Since you couldn't bother to e mail me - you take care of this!'
I really had no idea what he was saying, so I asked him to find a better place to leave the bottle so the kids wouldn't get in it. He said 'OK, I'll take care of it! You go to work right near where they live everyday, but I can drive there sometime just for fun. Thanks so much for helping me!'
If I had gone and tried to explain myself, it would have led to somthing else. If I had e-mailed him, there would have been an argument about something else. It's not about even about how we interact, it's that I don't fit into his vision of reality. I can even now remember us having arguments earlier on when he got upset because I couldn't read his mind (his actual words. He was upset that he actually had to tell me stuff, and just everyday stuff like when he would be home, he really thought I should just know)
i've lost my temper with my kids. The biggest problem isn't even so much the raised voices as the fact that we're undermining each other - the last time I asked H if we could sit down and try to join forces he laughed at me and said 'I'd like to see that happen'. Yeah, so would I
Thing is, there's no way to get stuff to improve. Or rather, I don't have the skills to do it myself. I can't force H to change, I can only put down boundaries. He's not doing anything except blaming me for stuff he won't deal with, I'm just trying to stay out of the way of the flying "#!?! (just figuratively, he's not throwing things.)
I'm not denying that I had a part in getting us to this point, but I can't get 'us' out alone.
Oh, I know what it means to be petty. It's a hard habit to break. For him to hold a grudge for so many hours about an email requires a good deal of mental concentration. He's trying to show you that he remembers important details; that he has a sharp mind. Well, that sharp mind lacks good judgment. He needs to let it go, or, if he must mention it, to allow you to save face.
Your H studies master composers and performers. But he must also know that to be an exceptional human being requires wisdom in dealing with people. Maybe he needs some new heroes.
Pettiness can be overcome. Does he hang around with nitpickers and the like?
. I really do admire jazz players, I'm glad they're pushing here to include more improv. in classical training too. Actually, just by virtue of being an American, I'm a bit of an expert here, lol. It's gotten better, but when I first got here, Fins had no concept of jazz rhythms.