I'm beginning to feel like I've been living in the future, and I'd like to settle down to living in the moment. I feel a bit like I've been on constant alert - watching for any signs of anything that might be damaging to my kids - probably over alert. I need sleep, I need time to myself doing something - I have too much 'thinking' time (remember my 2 hr commute). I do have woman friends, but a lousy time schedule - I'm at work while everyone else is home.
For the most part, the kids do live without interaction between H and I. Even most of the stuff that I've written here has happened after the kids are asleep, since that's about the only time H and I are in the house together.
Thing is, I am honestly going out of my way to not engage H. I did continue the convo this weekend, because I saw that maybe he was beginning to talk, maybe he was opening...
Ok, I'm just rambling, or at least my brain is, should have gone to bed a while ago.I definately need to take a break from all of this...
My last post may have come across like a tantrum...even if it didn't, I suppose that's how I was feeling last night!
My place is this...Yes, I can stay and emotionally detach. I've done it, that's where I was before I wandered in here, the reason I came was I realized that I was dying inside, and not about to. I suppose I was headed towards an A - I would have found it somewhere.
I realized though, how detrimental that would be to everyone involved, and decided instead I needed to find a way to try to connect with H.
So I can go back to where I was. I had already, then, gotten past a lot of martyr stuff - realized there was no point in that - so in a way, I had done a lot of detachment on my own, and these past months have been sort of a rececutation exersize.
I think I really need to realize that there is no hope here. What I see as my biggest failings lately, is when get 'sucked in' by H acting sweet, or even better (worse??) needy - and I think YES! Now he gets it, maybe he's finally ready! And before I know it, I'm in the middle of a crazy argument trying to find my way out.
So. I continue as I have. I'm not leaving tomorrow, unless things get worse (and I'm not contributing to that, on the contrary. I can - and very often do - play nice). But I'm not staying put either. I still, even if things were rosy here, need to find a different job - closer and in my field. Such a thing doesn't exsist right now, but there are ways of working on that.
A year or so in the States is something I would like to do even if I were to stay in this M (if I got out, it might be longer...).
So this sitch I'm in, in a way is just motivation to do what needs to be done anyway. (That goes for loosing the 30lbs too!)
It's just that being put down constantly makes it difficult to focus on stuff at times.
I still feel that staying here, as long as I can keep the kids out of it, would be a good place for me to grow.
I'm just afraid of reading my diary 10yrs from now, realizing that once again, I've overstayed...
FF... It may look like you have ended up at the same place ( needing to emotionally detach from H) but you really have grown. Before, you lived a separate life from H, but now you woke up to see that you had emotional/physical needs. You began to address the marital issues and realistically came to the conclusion that you are better off staying where you are and keeping the peace. You aren't in denial about what's missing for you...it's just on hold for now due to the bigger picture. Take good care of yourself and let in happiness...sending you xoxo's from the States...
IHJ is absolutely right! You are not in the same place... you have grown tremendously. And, although sad, sometimes the death of hope (in one area) can be very liberating. When you finally accept that there is no cheese down that tunnel, you can stop looking there. You can start looking other places for other things. Besides, you're staying in your home not out of defeat, but out of a sense of purpose. And your reasons are very good ones.
Although other (more moral) people on the board will likely not agree with me, I don't think an A-- or at least an EA-- would be so bad. As so many on this board have pointed out many, many times, the love of your parents, children, co-workers, etc., as wonderful and necessary as they are-- can't take the place of that deep sense of warmth, healing, "rightness," that you experience when someone of the opposite sex likes you, connects with you, and yes, desires you. You don't have to sleep with the person, if that is against your moral code, but just knowing that that connection is still possible for you can be very life-affirming, especially when you've been emotionally starved for such a connection for a long time.
Sometimes just making a commitment to a goal, as you are doing, is enough to shake things up at the cosmic level and stuff starts to move. This is in keeping with my logjam theory. You have all these logs jammed up in a river for several miles. They seem to be stuck at one end, but sometimes moving just one log shifts everything enough so that all of them move just a bit, and pretty soon the logjam is broken. Making decisions and setting goals sometimes have that effect in our lives.
I hope you'll keep checking in here. I know all of us want to know how you're doing and what's happening. If you just vanished, we'd worry about you, but wouldn't have the slightest idea how to find you!
I do agree with your 'logjam' theory, I know it as allowing luck to happen. I do think when you set your mind to something, pray, step back, whatever, we do become more open to different ideas, and we do set off 'vibes' that make us more approachable (not only sexually)
I had an epiphany of sorts the other day - a brief glimpse at me without fear. Wow!! Not sure I can handle myself . But it was amazing to see how much I've held myself back - since before H.
I also felt like a stone was being lifted from my shoulders when I realized that I didn't have to 'work' on this M any longer! I feel as though I've disengaged, but I realized that I have been 'sucked in' to his convos on the outside hope that he's finally willing to work. I now realize that what he's been saying, sometimes straight out, from the beginning, is that he's not interested, leave me alone. So I will.
Lilli, While I might discuss things more with male friends, or flirt a little, I don't think it's time for anything more. Even after I get out, I'm going to need time to heal. I'm starting to realize how I got into this R, and more importantly, why I stayed, and I need to work on that - so that I'm no longer 'needy', able to stand on my own and invite someone in, rather than look for someone to 'fill my needs'. I've heard that very often people in these kind of Rs get out, only to get into something worse. My kids, not to mention I certainly don't need that!
Lou, thanks for you offer. I do need to find a way to keep myself on track, whether staying here or getting out. I'm not sure what that would involve, I loved JJs idea of staring a new diet every day, maybe I need to start a new way of keeping myself on track ever week (think I can keep one going that long )
I don't believe for a minute that my decision to disengage completely means that H is going to back off...actually I've noticed he's started a different approach - he's stopped yelling at the girls about their rooms, but has stopped any kind of discipline - their rooms are almost impossible to walk into, and they've often been still up when I get home around 10pm . So staying with H can't be a really long term solution. I can almost guarentee that if I asked him about it, he would say something along the lines of 'See, you're not happy if I yell, not happy if I don't, there's no pleasing you!'
FF, it sounds like you really are getting back on your feet! I know what you mean about that feeling of relief when you realize you can stop looking down that cheeseless tunnel.
No doubt, as you have observed, your different attitude and behavior will kick some stuff up in him.
I'm not a parent, so maybe this is totally out of line, but does it really matter if their rooms are neat? Getting to bed at a reasonable time is one thing, but the neatness... I don't know... There's that saying that at the end of their lives most people don't look back and say, "Gee, I wish I had spent more time at the office." I'll bet people don't look back and say, "Gee, I wish I had gotten my kids to keep their rooms neater." My room was always neat as a pin when I was a kid. My mom didn't make me clean it-- I just liked it that way. But now-- if you looked in my room, you'd be appalled. There are clothes on the bed and all over the floor... I just don't seem to put things away anymore. And you know what? It doesn't matter one single bit! No one cares! This is totally unsolicited free advice, so please assume it is worth exactly what you paid for it!
You wrote:
Quote: I had an epiphany of sorts the other day - a brief glimpse at me without fear. Wow!! Not sure I can handle myself. But it was amazing to see how much I've held myself back - since before H.
This gave me goosebumps!! You've got a LOT of life left in you, girl!
I know that this is completely off-topic, but when I saw it I couldn't help thinking of you. So much of what you've said about your H and about Finns in general just seemed to jump out at me when I read it.
Hope you think it's funny...
You know you've been in Finland too long, when: A friend asks about your holiday plans and you answer "Oh, I'm going to Europe!" meaning any other Western European country outside Scandinavia.
You rummage through your plastic bag collection to see which ones you should keep to take to the store and which can be sacrificed to garbage.
Five degrees means mild weather.
You accept that 80 degrees C in a sauna is chilly, but 20 degrees C outside is freaking hot.
You seriously consider visiting the sauna more than three times a week.
Natural part of the business negotiations is to be naked with strange people in the hot room.
Your coffee consumption exceeds 6 cups a day and coffee is too weak if there is less than 10 scoops per pot.
It's acceptable to eat lunch at 11.00.
You pass the point of spending more than 50% of your salary on phone calls and alcohol.
You don't think twice about putting the wet dishes away in the cupboard to dry.
You no longer scrunch up or fold your paper money. You always put your money in your wallet.
You stand in a bus if you can't find a vacant pair of seats.
When a stranger on the street smiles at you, you assume that: a. he is drunk b. he is insane c. he is American d. he is all of the above
You are immediately suspicious when somebody starts talking to you in the street.
Your bad mood becomes your good mood.
Silence is fun.
You hear loud-talking passengers on the train. You immediately assume: a. they are drunk b. they are Swedish-speaking c. they are Americans
The only couple talking in a tram or a bus always seems to annoy you.
"No comment" becomes a conversation strategy.
You consider it normal to keep walking if a stranger asks you something on the street.
You finally stop asking your class "Are there any questions?"
Hugging is reserved for sexual foreplay.
The reason you take the ferry to Stockholm is: a. duty free vodka b. duty free beer c. to party...no need to get off the boat in Stockholm; just turn around and do it again on the way back. d. all of the above
Sundays no longer seem dull with all the stores closed, and begin to feel restful instead.
You pass a grocery store and think "Wow, it is open, I had better go in an buy something!"
At bank, post or drug store you first start looking for a queue number.
Your native language has seriously deteriorated; you begin to "eat medicine", "open the television", "close the lights off", and tell someone "you needn't to!" Expressions like "Don't panic" creep into your everyday language.
You refuse to cross a totally empty street until there is a green light.
Your idea of unforgivable behavior now includes walking across the street when the light is red and there is no WALK symbol, even though there are no cars in sight.
You think it's normal that 22 year olds need fake ID
Your notion of streetlife is reduced to the few teenagers hanging out in front of Helsinki railway station on Friday nights.
The fact that all of the "v's" and the "w's" are together in the phone directory seems right.
Your old habit of being "fashionably late" is no longer acceptable. You are always on time.
You refuse to wear a hat, even in -30 degree weather.
You know how to fix herring in 105 different ways.
You eat herring in 105 ways.
You no longer look at sports pants as casual wear, but recognize them as semi-formal wear.
You can now reconstruct the missing letters on a building. For example MERI.........LIITTO OY.
You have undergone a transformation: a. you accept mustamakkara as food b. you accept alcohol as food c. you accept.
You understand why the Finnish language has no future tense.
You no longer correct people who say MAC Donald's.
You've come to expect Sunday morning sidewalk vomit dodging.
You know that "I got a new boyfriend." means "I got laid last night."
The next day when they say "We broke up." you know it means "He didn't call."
You know that "religious holiday" means "let's get pissed."
You know that "men’s public bathroom" is another phrase for sidewalk.
You enjoy salmiakki.
You just love Jaffa.
You know that more than three channels means cable.
You get all the Swedish jokes.
You've become lactose intolerant.
You have been engaged four years without planning to get married.
Your wife is watching TV while you look after the kids.
It doesn't surprise you to see 200 bikes parked in a row.
Frozen snow surface is not an obstacle for riding bicycle.
You get nervous if the bus/train is 2 minutes late.
Finland winning a medal at the world hockey championships is less important than beating Tre Kronor.
You think 10 euros for coffee and cake is an OK price.
You know that the new Mercedes down the road is most likely a taxi.
You know the rules of Pesapallo.
You begin to understand Jussi Jyylanpaarvi's broadcast of the hockey game.
You are genuinely interested in who’s the present girlfriend/wife of Matti Nykanen.
. But it was amazing to see how much I've held myself back - since before H.
. So staying with H can't be a really long term solution. I can almost guarentee that if I asked him about it, he would say something along the lines of 'See, you're not happy if I yell, not happy if I don't, there's no pleasing you!'
