IHJ is absolutely right! You are not in the same place... you have grown tremendously. And, although sad, sometimes the death of hope (in one area) can be very liberating. When you finally accept that there is no cheese down that tunnel, you can stop looking there. You can start looking other places for other things. Besides, you're staying in your home not out of defeat, but out of a sense of purpose. And your reasons are very good ones.
Although other (more moral) people on the board will likely not agree with me, I don't think an A-- or at least an EA-- would be so bad. As so many on this board have pointed out many, many times, the love of your parents, children, co-workers, etc., as wonderful and necessary as they are-- can't take the place of that deep sense of warmth, healing, "rightness," that you experience when someone of the opposite sex likes you, connects with you, and yes, desires you. You don't have to sleep with the person, if that is against your moral code, but just knowing that that connection is still possible for you can be very life-affirming, especially when you've been emotionally starved for such a connection for a long time.
Sometimes just making a commitment to a goal, as you are doing, is enough to shake things up at the cosmic level and stuff starts to move. This is in keeping with my logjam theory. You have all these logs jammed up in a river for several miles. They seem to be stuck at one end, but sometimes moving just one log shifts everything enough so that all of them move just a bit, and pretty soon the logjam is broken. Making decisions and setting goals sometimes have that effect in our lives.
I hope you'll keep checking in here. I know all of us want to know how you're doing and what's happening. If you just vanished, we'd worry about you, but wouldn't have the slightest idea how to find you!
