My last post may have come across like a tantrum...even if it didn't, I suppose that's how I was feeling last night!
My place is this...Yes, I can stay and emotionally detach. I've done it, that's where I was before I wandered in here, the reason I came was I realized that I was dying inside, and not about to. I suppose I was headed towards an A - I would have found it somewhere.
I realized though, how detrimental that would be to everyone involved, and decided instead I needed to find a way to try to connect with H.
So I can go back to where I was. I had already, then, gotten past a lot of martyr stuff - realized there was no point in that - so in a way, I had done a lot of detachment on my own, and these past months have been sort of a rececutation exersize.
I think I really need to realize that there is no hope here. What I see as my biggest failings lately, is when get 'sucked in' by H acting sweet, or even better (worse??) needy - and I think YES! Now he gets it, maybe he's finally ready! And before I know it, I'm in the middle of a crazy argument trying to find my way out.
So. I continue as I have. I'm not leaving tomorrow, unless things get worse (and I'm not contributing to that, on the contrary. I can - and very often do - play nice). But I'm not staying put either. I still, even if things were rosy here, need to find a different job - closer and in my field. Such a thing doesn't exsist right now, but there are ways of working on that.
A year or so in the States is something I would like to do even if I were to stay in this M (if I got out, it might be longer...).
So this sitch I'm in, in a way is just motivation to do what needs to be done anyway. (That goes for loosing the 30lbs too!)
It's just that being put down constantly makes it difficult to focus on stuff at times.
I still feel that staying here, as long as I can keep the kids out of it, would be a good place for me to grow.
I'm just afraid of reading my diary 10yrs from now, realizing that once again, I've overstayed...
