Thanks Gel, Nop,

I was going to tell about the convo after this...interesting, again. More of the same, H complaining that I am trying to paint myself as the angel, he as the bad guy.

When he started in again about how he felt so bad that I could do something to hurt him, I pointed out that while what I did was wrong, I did it after he had yelled at me and the kids, and I felt cornered. I also reminded him that the last few convos we have had have taken place with him standing in the doorway blocking my path, and I told him I felt very intimidated by that. He had no recollection of the evening he pushed me and swore at me, and is apparently of the opinion that I am responsible for the day he fell on the floor (he said it was an uncontrollable reaction). I told him that that had made me very scared.

I told him I felt that this was a very unhealthy enviroment for all of us, and unless we could find some way of going forward, I was going to try to find a way for the kids and I to be healthy.

He asked me if I really thought he was so stupid that I thought he didn't realize it was unhealthy, and said, several times, that 'If anyone is going to hurt anyone around here, it's going to be you'. I pointed out to him that I am the one who spends most of the time with the kids, and reminded him that 2 yrs ago I spent 6 weeks alone with them in the States, and I had no need to even raise my voice the whole time.

I asked him what he would need to be able to feel comfortable enough to work on this. He said he didn't know.

To be honest, I'm not even sure that convo was a good idea. I did raise my voice slightly, at one point where he said that if he really had acted that way, it was because I had taught him to be that way, and I pointed out that No one ever deserved to be pushed, yelled at or insulted the way he has acted towards me. He lectured me for almost 5 mins after that about how I was raising my voice. He also complained at the beginning of the convo that I had spent the day yelling at him, though when I asked him to think about it, he did admit that I hadn't really yelled.

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Yes, Nop, I realize I need to get my kids to a safe place. Leaving here - I would loose the house. I don't think a shelter would take us unless there is an actual threat of violence, I can try to find out.

The kids have known peace. My kids are remarkably well-balanced, though I notice the signs of strain lately. Up untill this summer, when I started 'pushing' to 'work' on stuff, H did yell, mostly about cleaning rooms at night, but for the most part, he's not really part of their lives , so they don't have to deal with him.

Two summers ago, the kids and I spent 6 weeks in the States, at my Dad's house, and in a cottage my uncle owns on Cape Cod. That was peace! (for the most part, my mother can be a lot like H- my parents divorced when I was 20)

I guess I've been in denial, still hoping there was a way to work on this, 'cause I really don't want to have to take my kids away from this, not to mention loose my job...but I do think it's getting to the point where I have to ignore that.

Thanks, all of you, for caring. I'll keep in touch.