More journalling, so I can sort of get things straight in my head... I don't advise you all working on your M to read this. I'm not looking for advice, just trying to keep my sanity. I still feel like I'm beating a dead horse. More and more each day.

Today started ok. H actually came and ate breakfast with us, at least came down before the kids left the table. The kids went outside for a while, when they came in, we had hot chocolate and coffee together, light banter, very friendly.

I could tell he was planning something...finally he came and asked if he could talk to me. Sure! H 'What would you think of moving the keyboard down into the living room?' (we have an electronic keyboard in our bedroom, along with an older computer. Original idea was that I could use the midi to do some composing/arranging, but we never did manage to get the midi to work...)

Me 'Um...' A little later he called me into the living room H ' My idea is that down here, you could have both pianos together, and we could hook up the electronic keyboard so that it could be played through the stereo speakers.'

Me 'No.' H 'Why not?' Me ' 'Cause with two pianos in the same room, right now all we'll get is a lot of noise, and the keyboard isn't going to get used any more down here than it does upstairs, will just collect dust and stuff' (H is really the only piano player right now, I have very very very basic skills and the kids play around with it - rather well, but nothing serious yet)

H got annoyed and went upstairs. He started yelling at the kids to take stuff off this desk. I intervened - 'There really isn't any other place for that stuff - does it really have to be taken off my desk?' H'Since when is this your desk??'

(Ok, I just assumed, the computer I used is on it, H uses it to put anything of mine he's found somewhere that annoys him...)

I tried to ask H what he was planning to do with the computer, he just yelled that since I didn't want to talk with him, he wasn't going to tell me. (I did manage very well to HOM)

Me 'I'm sorry, I misunderstood - when did I say I didn't want to talk with you?'
H 'You say it all the time - you don't want to communicate with me. I tried to talk with you and you just say 'NO, NO, NO!' OK, then I won't talk with you'

Me 'You asked me my opinion, I gave it. It was no, but I do have a right do disagree, that doesn't mean I don't want to talk with you'

H huffed off, and started moving the old computer next to this one. I got a bit annoyed. 'You can't move that there!'

H yelled 'If you would listen to what I have to say, rather than just yelling at me, you would know what I was doing!'

So I walked away to cool off, went back a little later.

Me 'Can I ask what your plans for the computer are?'

H 'If you wouldn't yell at me, you'd know I wasn't putting it here, I just want to try something. But you just have to yell.'

Me 'I understand you heard me yelling. I'm not now. I'm just curious as to what you are doing'


H 'You've said you don't want to communicate with me' Me 'No, I stated my opinion, but now I'm willing to listen'

H'You say all the time you don't want to talk to me, we have to talk to a counsilor'

Me (OHHHH!!) 'Yes, I have said that. I don't feel comfortable talking to you about our R'

H'I don't want to talk to you about it either. You're always pushing. You can't leave things alone. Then this thing about the councilor. I don't know anything about psychiatrists, the only reason I know anything about them is from American television. Any time there's a little problem, you guys go running to a psychiatrist'

Me'Are you trying to say that we have just 'little' problems?'

H No, but you expect that we'll just talk about stuff and they'll go away tomorrow.

Me No, I don't expect that. H Yes, you do. Me Please don't try to read my mind.

H Well, you're doing that to me, like just now, you thought I meant our problems are little, and a little while ago, you thought you knew what I was doing with the computer. You're always doing that, reading into things.

Me 'I can see where you would feel that way. I did try to ask you.

There was more, I don't remember exact words, but something to the extent that I just push, then he brought up the fight last week, said how he has to think about everything I do now, since I told him that I had intentionally locked the door to hurt him. Again he said how he couldn't understand how I could do that, and how he was so hurt that I could do such a thing.

Finally, I managed to ask him again what he was doing with the computer. H 'I'm just trying to make some order out of this chaos' (here I bit my tongue, knowing it would be just asking for trouble to point out that there were a lot of other things that could be done that would have a much bigger affect on the chaos in this house than moving a few things out of the bedroom...)

I remember this convo ending very badly (I did not raise my voice, even managed to validate H a couple of times), and I felt increadably drained, and really ready to just give up.

I felt as though he managed to point out that I've been horrible towards him, so he sees no point in listening to what I ahve to say, He's not intending on talking about our problems, and he doesn't want to see a councilor. Not to mention that things around here are in chaos.