Lilli,

I'm not quite sure how to answer this without sounding defensive. But I'll take that chance.

Yes, there has been a bit of yelling between us. Our verbal interaction lately has been very stilted. Partly because, after his 'tantrum' I was afraid to talk to him at all. I wasn't sure for a long time what to say to him, or how to say it, as I didn't want to set him off.

Partly because, we don't spend time together. Which is due to our work schedules being opposite, and the time we do have together being spent in front of the computer, or watching TV. We did start taking walks together this fall, the last one H actually did walk with me, and not 5 paces ahead...but that stopped, and it's only now that I even feel I could start it up again.

The kids? No. I don't yell. There *are* times I loose my patience. I do raise my voice. Probably more lately, as I have 2 almost 5 yr old males who are pushing their limits as far as they will go.

There are times when I say to my kids, 'Please go easy on me tonight, I'm stressed, and I don't want to get mad.'

And there are times they yell at me.

I would say we have a pretty normal relationship. Really.

The other night was not a normal night. We were all hungry, D7 in particular, as she is very picky, and hadn't eaten anything at school, not too much when she got home. That + H's yelling when he came in didn't help much. D7 actually asked me later why H hadn't yelled at her (for some reason he doesn't much, I suspect it's 'cause he knows it has no effect, she's a very strong little lady, and doesn't pay much attention to him. He knows he can't get to her. I'm very very proud of her.)

I have been dwelling on the bad. Tonight, H came home, only a slightly off comment to me about how he didn't want to tell me that the skating party at school was tomorrow night, not tonight, because I know everything, then went upstairs.

Shortly after, the kids went up + played computer games with him. He took the 3 younger ones to the store to buy new gloves, since they've worn theirs out! D9 stayed home with me and helped me make dinner. We had a good convo, about silly things, and she mentioned that last night, when I went out to the store after H came home, they had had fun singing songs together. She was happy about that, and I said how happy I was to hear it. She's the one most affected by the stress, though when we get to spend time together, just the two of us, it helps tremendously. She's always been a high-strung kid. Very bright, and very demanding of affection and calm.

We all had dinner together, very pleasant. These days do happen, and tonight H was in a better mood than he's been in a long time. Maybe he got whatever out of his system, maybe he feels good that he pushed my buttons, whatever. If I knew how to keep this going, and then build on it, I would.

I just need to work on me. I've been spending the day beating up on myself. And nursing a cold. I was a bit dissapointed, since I finally the other night felt I was getting somewhere with meditation, and now it'll be a few days before I can sit still without coughing and sneezing every few seconds. Guess it's a good lesson.