Here I am again. First, my embryonic attempts at meditation are starting to pay off. Centering myself through breathing is something I'm good at - sitting in one place and focusing on nothing else isn't!!!!!!
But, my week of being pleasant and cheerful and being in H's 'face' hasn't started out too well.
Already on Sun things started going downhill. H, as usual, was sleeping, I was up with the kids. The boys were mad, I guess, 'cause their playdate got canceled, and were being as P/A as only almost-5-yr-old boys can!! Or then hanging all over mommy anytime I stopped for more than half a second. So, as you might imagine, there were some stern words said (especially when one of the twins decided to 'steal' some uncooked spaghetti out of the cabinet, and break it up and throw it all over the house!!)
Finally in the afternoon, I convinced the boys to go outside, even though their friend wasn't coming over. As I was going out the door, H called to me. I asked him what, he said nothing, so I asked again (in a friendly tone) he finally said, 'Ok, I just wanted to point out that I haven't said anything to you about yelling at the kids today. I'm sure if I had been using that tone of voice with them, you would have been very upset with me!'. I said nothing and went out.
The evening went ok, though I did hear H using very stern words when the boys were 'squiggling' while listening to their bedtime story...
Yesterday, as H was leaving to bring the girls to school, I asked him why he was taking the big car, as I wasn't going to work. He pointed out that the car seats were still in the little car, so he couldn't fit the girls in.
So after he left, I took the seats out. He left the big car in the driveway, which I didn't realize.
When he came home, as he walked in the door, he said, very loudly - 'Why didn't you use the big car? Didn't you realize I left it out for you?' I said I didn't realize, and that I hadn't been out, since the boys friend had come over. I walked away, because H was using a very uncomfortable tone of voice.
H followed after me, yelling now. That I had specifically said to him that he HAD to take the small car, and he had nicely left the big car out, and now it was covered with snow. That once again, I had shown how I don't appreciate what he does for me.
I told him I wouldn't listen if he was yelling. He later pointed out that he had to chase me, and yell at me, because I wasn't listening to what he said. He said that that was the only way he could have gotten me to hear what he needed to say to me. For the life of me, if he did say something important, I can't remember (which doesn't necessarily mean he didn't, just that the circumstances were not condusive to remembering things. )
He then went to the back of the house, 'his part', and called the kids since he found some toys in 'his part' of the house. He lectured them, then threw the toys away.
I then asked if he had gotten the milk and cucumbers I had asked him to get on the way home, he said, no he was going to get them now.
As he left, I'm afraid, I had had it. I asked him as he was leaving 'Are you happy now?' H asked what I meant. 'I'm refering to the scene you just made with me and the kids. I know I may be being sarcastic, but at this point I've had it, and don't really care. I don't like the way you acted, and to be honest, don't really care if you don't come back from the store.' I said this in a firm, but calm voice.
I locked the door behind him as he went out.
He did come back. The kids were just sitting down to eat, D7 was screaming that she didn't want to eat. I carried her to the table a couple of times, trying to point out that she hadn't eaten much, and that she would feel better if she ate. I should know you can't reason with an upset 7yr old. Finally I asked if she would talk to me. She said yes, and dragged me by the hand down to our storage room.
She yelled that I was stupid, then showed me a cancer sore in her mouth, which was why she didn't want to eat. We talked for a while, she agreed to try to eat something. Back upstairs. We ate dinner, H too, pretty silent table
Later, H went down to start playing the piano, his 'cue' that he's ready to sit and watch TV. I got out some laundry and started folding, something I often do while we're watching. H continued to play, then went in the kitchen to make something to eat. It was well after 12 at this point, so since he was taking so long, I brought the clothes upstairs, then said goodnight to H.
This morning, H got up pretty late to take the girls to school. I mentioned in passing that today I really did need the big car, and would appreciate it if he could take the little one. Then i went into our walk-in closet for some reason. H came to the door, said 'I think it's really something that *I* can listen to talk about the car in a calm, rational manner, when you have to yell and scream and make a point of not speaking to me when I try to tell you something!' He also mentioned that he *hadn't* come to see what I was doing with D7, even though he was afraid that I had hurt her.
He continued that he wanted to say something to me this morning, that he had been up all night thinking about how I had said I was intentionally cruel to him (because of my sarcastic comment and locking the door) and if I was sooo evil, he didn't know how he could continue this thing.
I said that yes, I did say that I did those things intentionally, but that was a reaction to that event, and to how he has been treating us, and not respecting us. I reminded him that before I had gotten to that point, he had chased me through the house, yelled at me and the kids.
I don't really remember all the specifics of the conversation, except that it was long, H kept complaining that I was taking so long to explain my point (and using a lot more time to do that than I did talking). I did HOM very well, I think. He was standing in the doorway, and after he had started complaining that he needed to go and I had asked him to listen to my point, then went on for another 5 minutes, I asked if we could continue this later, so that he could take the girls. I moved to go out the door, he pushed me (not hard), not moving, and continued speaking.
He has said, several times over the past couple of days, that I always need to have the last word (he usually yells this at me, when I've asked if I could respond to something he's said), and I need to control everything. When he's said that, I've said that if he feels that way, we should talk to a councelor to work on things.
Finally, he moved and I went to get the girls ready. H then came downstairs, continuing (in front of the girls). He spoke again about how I was evil, and I wouldn't listen to him. I told him that if he felt that way, he should join me in counceling to work things out, because I wasn't going to try to talk with him about this, since I felt that doing so would put me and my kids in jeopardy.
He then said that if anyone was going to hurt the kids, it would be me (meaning me - FF). I asked him what made him feel that way. He said, 'I just know how you act - behave'. I asked him for specific examples, that that was a big accusation, and I would like to know if he feels that way, so I can do something abut it.
He didn't say anything, finally said something about how unreasonable I was, and just impossible to talk to. He then said that since I was accusing him of things, that he could do it do me as well.
And now I find myself sitting here trying to 'second guess' him, what all this talk means, what it is he's been thinking about, and what I should do. uggh.
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