Finally taking a few minutes to sit and write some stuff about what's happening around here.
A week or so ago, I took some time and read through my old posts. It was a little hard remembering the enthusiasm I had for hoping things would change...
The past couple of months, I've been through an awful lot of emotions. Fear, anger, sorrow - and a lot of confusion.
I think I've started to pull myself back up again.
Slowly...I'm beginning to feel like working on myself again. The past couple of months have taken their toll - I'm tired, and I've negleted myself way too much. I definately need to loose 30 lbs - but more than that, I just need to get in touch with my body again, and take care of it better.
I've decided to start meditating, and yoga. I know that won't help much with the weight loss, but it will help me get in touch with me - which will encourage me to loose. And since it's very similar to playing, it's enjoyable to me. It'll be on my own for a while anyway, there are no classes that would fit into my schedule right now, but I'm going to have to start slowly anyway. And I can do it on my own - spending many yrs practicing 4 hrs a day at least teaches you some kind of discipline.
I'll admit to harboring a lot of anger and resentment towards H. And I'm tired of that. It's pretty mutual - though we did both have a reason to go to a town about 70 mi north of here today, and the ride up and back was almost pleasant.
I'm pretty sure there's not going to be a lot of change while I'm working where I am now. Our schedules are too opposite. I will need a lot more of the easy conversation that happened today before I stop bristling each time H speaks to me rudely. He's going to need to have me around a lot more - in his face, so to speak, before he might stop being threatened by me. I'm on vacation next week - and interested to see how things go here. One thing that still bothers me, that I won't let go, is the disgust I feel when I see my kids jump with fear when he yells.
There have still been quite a few interactions lately that make it pretty clear that H is still feeling pretty entitled to his own resentment and anger as well.
H has said several times that he feels like I'm making him out to be the bad guy, and trying to make myself feel good. I wish there were some way I could get him to understand that what I want is mututal respect.
I guess I've gotten much better at at least recognizing my boundaries, even if I don't call him on everything, in order to keep the peace.
I'm not giving specific examples, 'cause I'm trying not to dwell on them. I have been, collecting them as 'evidence', not to mention as a reminder to me to tread carefully. It's really hard to know if I should do that - or be willing to give up the past to go forward. I guess I would be, if he would start showing more respect.
I guess right now, I'm working on me. H used to say to me often in anger that he was afraid of me, that's why he acted the way he did. I realize now how true that is - but it's not what I thought - that he was afraid of my anger, but that he's afraid of the strong, happy me. He wants me happy and content - according to his definition of me. I need to define me. What's really hard is seperating the 'real' me from the stuff that I've accumulated in anger and resentment towards H - if that makes any sense.
I'm not going to bring up any R stuff, at least not until there's a chance for us to have a lot more mutually respective interaction.
Glad to hear from you, FF. Sorry things aren't going any better. Working on yourself is never a bad idea-- even in the best of times, and it can surely save your sanity in the worst of times. I remember when I was going through the end of my first marriage (over 30 years ago now!), I had a yoga class every Saturday morning. I felt it was the only island of peace in my week.
I'd like to recommend the book Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach. It's from a Buddhist meditation perspective and very helpful for restoring internal balance.
I am glad that you are coming up on a vacation! I am looking forward to our first vacation in a very long time, sometime this summer.
Quote: ------------- but that he's afraid of the strong, happy me. He wants me happy and content - according to his definition of me. I need to define me. What's really hard is seperating the 'real' me from the stuff that I've accumulated in anger and resentment towards H - if that makes any sense. -------------
That makes perfect sense.
Also, when the 'strong you' emerges, it signals that he has to change. He finds change very threatening.
Thanks for keeping us posted, FF.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Spring??? Well, in the fact that the sun actually makes an appearance once in a while, and it's almost light at 8, and stays that way 'till after 5, yes.
But we have about 3 feet of snow, and are in 'blizzard season'. This is usually when we get the most snow. That will be with us 'till late April. Our yard is up on a hill, so we're about a month behind the center of town - we'll get crocuses just before mother's day, tulips in June!
Yes, NOP, he is afraid of change. I fully expect a lot of 'tantrums', hopefully not on the scale of Christmastime. But at least now I see that he's acting like a spoiled child.
Right after I wrote that, I realized what a dumb question it was... Still, staying light until 5-ish must be a great improvement. I've always hated getting up in the dark-- even if I've had enough sleep and it's fairly late. I was in Scotland in June one year and I loved that it was bright sunshine at 3:00 in the morning! I bounced out of bed rarin' to go.
Here I am again. First, my embryonic attempts at meditation are starting to pay off. Centering myself through breathing is something I'm good at - sitting in one place and focusing on nothing else isn't!!!!!!
But, my week of being pleasant and cheerful and being in H's 'face' hasn't started out too well.
Already on Sun things started going downhill. H, as usual, was sleeping, I was up with the kids. The boys were mad, I guess, 'cause their playdate got canceled, and were being as P/A as only almost-5-yr-old boys can!! Or then hanging all over mommy anytime I stopped for more than half a second. So, as you might imagine, there were some stern words said (especially when one of the twins decided to 'steal' some uncooked spaghetti out of the cabinet, and break it up and throw it all over the house!!)
Finally in the afternoon, I convinced the boys to go outside, even though their friend wasn't coming over. As I was going out the door, H called to me. I asked him what, he said nothing, so I asked again (in a friendly tone) he finally said, 'Ok, I just wanted to point out that I haven't said anything to you about yelling at the kids today. I'm sure if I had been using that tone of voice with them, you would have been very upset with me!'. I said nothing and went out.
The evening went ok, though I did hear H using very stern words when the boys were 'squiggling' while listening to their bedtime story...
Yesterday, as H was leaving to bring the girls to school, I asked him why he was taking the big car, as I wasn't going to work. He pointed out that the car seats were still in the little car, so he couldn't fit the girls in.
So after he left, I took the seats out. He left the big car in the driveway, which I didn't realize.
When he came home, as he walked in the door, he said, very loudly - 'Why didn't you use the big car? Didn't you realize I left it out for you?' I said I didn't realize, and that I hadn't been out, since the boys friend had come over. I walked away, because H was using a very uncomfortable tone of voice.
H followed after me, yelling now. That I had specifically said to him that he HAD to take the small car, and he had nicely left the big car out, and now it was covered with snow. That once again, I had shown how I don't appreciate what he does for me.
I told him I wouldn't listen if he was yelling. He later pointed out that he had to chase me, and yell at me, because I wasn't listening to what he said. He said that that was the only way he could have gotten me to hear what he needed to say to me. For the life of me, if he did say something important, I can't remember (which doesn't necessarily mean he didn't, just that the circumstances were not condusive to remembering things. )
He then went to the back of the house, 'his part', and called the kids since he found some toys in 'his part' of the house. He lectured them, then threw the toys away.
I then asked if he had gotten the milk and cucumbers I had asked him to get on the way home, he said, no he was going to get them now.
As he left, I'm afraid, I had had it. I asked him as he was leaving 'Are you happy now?' H asked what I meant. 'I'm refering to the scene you just made with me and the kids. I know I may be being sarcastic, but at this point I've had it, and don't really care. I don't like the way you acted, and to be honest, don't really care if you don't come back from the store.' I said this in a firm, but calm voice.
I locked the door behind him as he went out.
He did come back. The kids were just sitting down to eat, D7 was screaming that she didn't want to eat. I carried her to the table a couple of times, trying to point out that she hadn't eaten much, and that she would feel better if she ate. I should know you can't reason with an upset 7yr old. Finally I asked if she would talk to me. She said yes, and dragged me by the hand down to our storage room.
She yelled that I was stupid, then showed me a cancer sore in her mouth, which was why she didn't want to eat. We talked for a while, she agreed to try to eat something. Back upstairs. We ate dinner, H too, pretty silent table
Later, H went down to start playing the piano, his 'cue' that he's ready to sit and watch TV. I got out some laundry and started folding, something I often do while we're watching. H continued to play, then went in the kitchen to make something to eat. It was well after 12 at this point, so since he was taking so long, I brought the clothes upstairs, then said goodnight to H.
This morning, H got up pretty late to take the girls to school. I mentioned in passing that today I really did need the big car, and would appreciate it if he could take the little one. Then i went into our walk-in closet for some reason. H came to the door, said 'I think it's really something that *I* can listen to talk about the car in a calm, rational manner, when you have to yell and scream and make a point of not speaking to me when I try to tell you something!' He also mentioned that he *hadn't* come to see what I was doing with D7, even though he was afraid that I had hurt her.
He continued that he wanted to say something to me this morning, that he had been up all night thinking about how I had said I was intentionally cruel to him (because of my sarcastic comment and locking the door) and if I was sooo evil, he didn't know how he could continue this thing.
I said that yes, I did say that I did those things intentionally, but that was a reaction to that event, and to how he has been treating us, and not respecting us. I reminded him that before I had gotten to that point, he had chased me through the house, yelled at me and the kids.
I don't really remember all the specifics of the conversation, except that it was long, H kept complaining that I was taking so long to explain my point (and using a lot more time to do that than I did talking). I did HOM very well, I think. He was standing in the doorway, and after he had started complaining that he needed to go and I had asked him to listen to my point, then went on for another 5 minutes, I asked if we could continue this later, so that he could take the girls. I moved to go out the door, he pushed me (not hard), not moving, and continued speaking.
He has said, several times over the past couple of days, that I always need to have the last word (he usually yells this at me, when I've asked if I could respond to something he's said), and I need to control everything. When he's said that, I've said that if he feels that way, we should talk to a councelor to work on things.
Finally, he moved and I went to get the girls ready. H then came downstairs, continuing (in front of the girls). He spoke again about how I was evil, and I wouldn't listen to him. I told him that if he felt that way, he should join me in counceling to work things out, because I wasn't going to try to talk with him about this, since I felt that doing so would put me and my kids in jeopardy.
He then said that if anyone was going to hurt the kids, it would be me (meaning me - FF). I asked him what made him feel that way. He said, 'I just know how you act - behave'. I asked him for specific examples, that that was a big accusation, and I would like to know if he feels that way, so I can do something abut it.
He didn't say anything, finally said something about how unreasonable I was, and just impossible to talk to. He then said that since I was accusing him of things, that he could do it do me as well.
And now I find myself sitting here trying to 'second guess' him, what all this talk means, what it is he's been thinking about, and what I should do. uggh.
Ewww...I don't like the turn of these conversations. Do you think he's possibly preparing himself for exiting the marriage?
Why would he be afraid you would hurt your daughter? I mean he's the one who gets violent by pushing, pursuing & yelling...unless you've left something very important out, which I don't think you have.
You have EVERY right when he is pursuing and yelling to turn around and tell him that, "I'm not hearing you when you yell at me, stop yelling and talk to me like an adult and I'll be happy to listen."
It does sound like he is gearing up to leave. He wants to explain in his own head why he would have reason to leave. If you yell all the time or are potentially violent then it relieves him of responsibility for himself. He's defiantely projecting. Just keep leading your life as best you can and as GEL suggested - don't talk to him when he is being inappropriate. The interesting part is that since your stich has kinda come to a head he is suddenly spending a lot more time in the "mix" instead of holed up in his own space. He's definately feeling the dynamic changing.
Quote: Why would he be afraid you would hurt your daughter? I mean he's the one who gets violent by pushing, pursuing & yelling...unless you've left something very important out, which I don't think you have.
Well, I will admit to having a temper.
And it was worse when the kids were little. I have never hit or hurt the kids, yelled, yes. I can remember being woken up 4-5 times in the night, and getting up angrily - jumping out of bed in a sort of resentful way. I did, thank God, manage to get a hold of myself before I got to the kids...but H hated that. He couldn't understand why I would get upset getting up with the kids (but he could never get up with them, 'cause he needed his sleep, and besides, they wanted their mommy). I do remember him making a similar comment once, more than 5 yrs ago, that he was afraid I would hurt the kids, and that made me really stop and look at me. I started watching my reactions, and learned that my raising my voice, or using upsetting body language did nothing but upset my kids more. I've had many friends comment since then on how well I'm able to keep my sense of humor with my kids (once I remembered I had it, it's been my best 'weapon', and what's keeping me sane right now as well).
I also remember once, when I asked if I could have a night off a week from the kids (back when they were very little, I wouldn't have 'told' him then), and he replied by telling me about a show he had watched about a woman dying of cancer who had small children. His comment: 'I bet she doesn't ask her H for a night off!'
The comment this morning bothered me. Not that I have anything to hide, but that I don't know quite where it's coming from. Probably from the night before Christmas, when I intervened when he grabbed S4a by the arm and yelled in his face. He asked what I would have done if he had intervened like that when I was trying to discipline the kids, my answer was that if I was ever hurting the kids, I would hope he would intervene.
I don't know if he's planning on getting out. My first thought was that he's starting to realize that I might be, and reacting to that.
The only response I've ever gotten to the counseling comments was about a month ago, when he told me he thought it was stupid to talk to a stranger about problems.
I will say that he wasn't actually 'yelling' when he first came in last night, but it was a very demeaning tone. I pointed that out to him, and he said that it was pretty stupid that he would have to think about 'how' he said something to me.
Still, staying light until 5-ish must be a great improvement. I've always hated getting up in the dark-- even if I've had enough sleep and it's fairly late. I was in Scotland in June one year and I loved that it was bright sunshine at 3:00 in the morning! I bounced out of bed rarin' to go. 