Finally taking a few minutes to sit and write some stuff about what's happening around here.
A week or so ago, I took some time and read through my old posts. It was a little hard remembering the enthusiasm I had for hoping things would change...
The past couple of months, I've been through an awful lot of emotions. Fear, anger, sorrow - and a lot of confusion.
I think I've started to pull myself back up again.
Slowly...I'm beginning to feel like working on myself again. The past couple of months have taken their toll - I'm tired, and I've negleted myself way too much. I definately need to loose 30 lbs - but more than that, I just need to get in touch with my body again, and take care of it better.
I've decided to start meditating, and yoga. I know that won't help much with the weight loss, but it will help me get in touch with me - which will encourage me to loose. And since it's very similar to playing, it's enjoyable to me. It'll be on my own for a while anyway, there are no classes that would fit into my schedule right now, but I'm going to have to start slowly anyway. And I can do it on my own - spending many yrs practicing 4 hrs a day at least teaches you some kind of discipline.
I'll admit to harboring a lot of anger and resentment towards H. And I'm tired of that. It's pretty mutual - though we did both have a reason to go to a town about 70 mi north of here today, and the ride up and back was almost pleasant.
I'm pretty sure there's not going to be a lot of change while I'm working where I am now. Our schedules are too opposite. I will need a lot more of the easy conversation that happened today before I stop bristling each time H speaks to me rudely. He's going to need to have me around a lot more - in his face, so to speak, before he might stop being threatened by me. I'm on vacation next week - and interested to see how things go here. One thing that still bothers me, that I won't let go, is the disgust I feel when I see my kids jump with fear when he yells.
There have still been quite a few interactions lately that make it pretty clear that H is still feeling pretty entitled to his own resentment and anger as well.
H has said several times that he feels like I'm making him out to be the bad guy, and trying to make myself feel good. I wish there were some way I could get him to understand that what I want is mututal respect.
I guess I've gotten much better at at least recognizing my boundaries, even if I don't call him on everything, in order to keep the peace.
I'm not giving specific examples, 'cause I'm trying not to dwell on them. I have been, collecting them as 'evidence', not to mention as a reminder to me to tread carefully. It's really hard to know if I should do that - or be willing to give up the past to go forward. I guess I would be, if he would start showing more respect.
I guess right now, I'm working on me. H used to say to me often in anger that he was afraid of me, that's why he acted the way he did. I realize now how true that is - but it's not what I thought - that he was afraid of my anger, but that he's afraid of the strong, happy me. He wants me happy and content - according to his definition of me. I need to define me. What's really hard is seperating the 'real' me from the stuff that I've accumulated in anger and resentment towards H - if that makes any sense.
I'm not going to bring up any R stuff, at least not until there's a chance for us to have a lot more mutually respective interaction.
