There's only really one instance where I feel my H is 'controlling' and that is with the kids.
To me, they're mine. I gave birth, I was the one that was pregnant, I breast fed, I was the one who got up in the night, I looked after them every day for 5 years while he worked and now he's got them and tells me what to do and when I can see them...this infuriates me and is the only thing I have a problem with, him trying to 'control' my mother role.
Anything else, I am cool about. I like 'traditional' men. I don't mind doing the cleaning and the cooking etc, I don't mind doing whatever he likes in the bedroom, I don't mind him talking about computers all day, but it sure as hell bugs me when he tells me how to mother!!!
Since your kids are grown and you don't have that problem, I'd fail to see how your W would see you as controlling, unless she views controlling as wanting to have sex and you telling her not to buy another pair of shoes (I'm jesting here).
Seriously, Lou, though, I think you're doing OK and I'm impressed how reasonable you are.
Forgot to add, I know you are not an affair You are a year older than my mother and I think we've established I am hopelessly in love with my H - I am trying to get your W to be hopelessly in love with you!!
Ioavva wrote ----------- To me, they're mine. I gave birth, I was the one that was pregnant, I breast fed, I was the one who got up in the night, I looked after them every day for 5 years ----------- I agree with your line of thinking. I support your desires to be more involved in the kids life.
------- unless she views controlling as wanting to have sex and you telling her not to buy another pair of shoes ---------- Sex happens 1 to 4 times a month, lots of hurt feelings inbetween, with her trying to talk me out of it, that I SHOULD have ED at my age, she wishes this desire of mine would go away. She is there but she isn't there. So she is trying to control that part of her life but I don't buy her opinion of sex is for making babies.
The bigest controlling behavior ARE things like new shoes every month and all the "FUN" money she spends. At one time she said I should setup a $500 monthly wirhdraw from our retirement fund to go to her checking account to add to her $500 a month early retirement fund. W wanted $1,000 a month for "FUN" money. I said no, so now I am controlling. I pay all of the bills and household and automobile expences. W pays for her clothing, health insurance, toys/fun money, and her pets.
If you have read some of my earlier posts, I did list that W spent $12,000 one year on things we already had that were in good condition and for a while something new arrived by a shopping trip, UPS, FedEx and /or US Post. I complained about her spending so I was labeled by my W as as the nag and I was called controlling.
-------- I think you're doing OK and I'm impressed how reasonable you are. -------- I have to agree with you. I am not as bad off as TAG. I am working on things, have gained some improvements.
Most of the time I am very reasonable, but I let W say some hurtful things. I become a temporary doormat then stop the crap, so in a way I am controlling by trying to keep things on track and I suspect w wants to have freedom to do what ever she wants to sometimes, but I won't just take her rants and I do complain about overspending. To me someone has to apply the brakes on a run-away train.
RE Cemar on SSM Cemar has been stating he wants something like HOT SEX from his W and if it is not HOT SEX, then it is not sex, it's something useless.
The other posters are telling Cemar to enjoy the comfort sex he is/was having with his W before she becomes no-drive because of his insistance that she provide HOT sex most of the time might drive her to a no desire, no sex drive state, something called No-ass-atol.
We understand his feelings and want to help by suggesting baby steps. Cemar wants a lot and now.
Back to your children. In one way your H's attitude seems very protective of the children which is good. You know they come first and are well taken care of, or at least that is what I am hearing in your posts.
Too many biological fathers (sperm doners) quit being dads (male care takers) when the M sours. So, is dad being the protective care taker or are there still some feelings at getting back at you for you falling apart when he left. Children sometimes get used as a weapon to strike out at a spouse.
H may also be using the limited contact thing as a tool to make you do double duty proving you can handel them and "him." Kind of making you prove twice to four times you are strong. But that is only guessing, could be borrowing trouble and be way off base.
W and I speculate on things and I say follow the money, which means what is in it for each party, Who spends time/money and what do they have to gain.
OG Lou Saw some news from London today. Nice tree lined street.
Well, sex IS for making babies, techically - if you look at it from a biological point of view. It is made intensively pleasurable to ensure the continuation of the species, but in my opinion, it is also the core way of expressing being 'in love' and also a way of marking the fact that you're in a marital (and therefore special) R.
If you don't have sex, what is there to discriminate between your H/W and everybody else?
Absence of sex means it's not a M, it might just as well be a friendship. For me, the fact that I sleep with my H (abeit not much) means that he and I share something between us that no one else does; I have a part of him, a closeness that no one else can have. Maybe if you tell her something like that it might change her mind.
Re Cemar: I think he's got the focus too strongly on sex and as a woman I can feel the pressure on his W. If I was under that much pressure to perform from my H, I wouldn't want to. I have had really hot sex in my life and also really dire sex, and the hot sex always happened when it was spontaneous and when he wasn't expecting me to perform.
During the year we were not together, I dated this guy casually just for some fun and the reason we never stayed in touch was because he talked continously of sex and every time we met, even in non-sexual situations, he insisted on going on and on about how he wanted to kiss me and I felt he was not interested in my personality so I did not want to sleep with him, or even see him. I told him I wasn't interested shortly afterwards, and I am normally HD. If Cemar is not careful, he will ruin his M.
Personally though, I think if you're having sex 4 times a month, I would consider that to be a normal level of sex. I would like it 3 or 4 times a week, but on loads of occassions through my R, we have only had it 4 times a month and I was fine with that.
I agree that once a month must be frustrating. Do you talk to her/ask her a lot? Because if you do, I'm guessing she might feel like I did with the casual date.
Would it help if you just didn't mention it and on the times you want to sleep with her, just try it without talking about it?
I agree her spending is awful, My total income for me and dd4 is only about £800 a month. I have to pay back credit cards, but nowhere near the level she does. You need to tell her she has an addiction and do some seriously M work because I know spending is caused by unhappiness.
I bet if she agreed to a more regular SL she wouldn't spend so much money. Bit of a vicious circle, really.
Re my kids. To start with H had to take them, I was ill, but men seem to want quick solutions to things and when he realised I *couldn't* just stop crying and there wasn't a magic pill to make it go away, he got really angry and hateful and agressive, and in my opinion did start using them as weapons (i.e, disappearing for a month, not letting me even speak to them on the phone etc).
I think it became a power/revenge thing and to some extent I think it still is a power thing. He would never agree to me having 50% responsibility or going to his home ed things, but now he is getting over his hurt feelings he is starting to try to accomodate me a bit more.
I think it will be a very gradual process - I have to get to know them again as well, which is very emotionally taxing (more than you would think; it is easily as challenging as re-building an M).
I know he looks after them. I trust him on that score. If he ever hurt them I would turn him into garden fertilizer!
I do think he's too strict - he has loads of rules they *have* to follow and he doesn't tolerate screaming and shouting or toys everywhere or loads of noise. Admittedly, they are well behaved and polite children, but I think he could ease off a little.
He says that fathers are always the strict ones and the mother's are nurterer's, but they haven't had me around much to nurture the last couple of years, so I worry.
Anyway, I am rambling. Gotta fix my printer. There's something wrong with it and I'm supposed to be sending off an article for Chat magazine.
To me sex is a special bonding activity and to do it 1 or 2 times a month (the norm) sucks. I need it emotionally and physicall more than that. Sometimes I even get internal shakes, like withdraw symptoms if I think about sex but I go too long without really physically and emotionally conecting.
Discovery Health channel has some programs on that explore the biological, social, and many more aspects about what we call having a sex life. They even have about 3 oposing theories for female mensteral cycles that I never heard before. Then there are the psychology, cultural, family norms, for people and animals, and even sea horses and reproduction. Very interesting over all.
I kind of agree with you there are several things missing from my W's life and spending money is one crutch she uses to fill some of her unmet needs. But W's family had more income than my family while growing up. W never had the responsabilities I did.
------ just try it without talking about it ----- Sometimes I do that and it works. Sometimes I try to let her know II DO consider her feelings and wishes and try to get her to open up so I can make some changes. Trying to avoid being labeled "He never listens" type of thing.
---------- I bet if she agreed to a more regular SL she wouldn't spend so much money. Bit of a vicious circle, really. -------- If W really wanted that, I agree the spending might go down on its own. However, right now if a "regular sex life, 1 or 2 X a week were to be instituted by me, the spending would go up. W might think she is entitled to be rewarded for giving me what she thinks I want, just the sex part. Where I want the emotional connection, the bonding, and the good feelings before, during, and after sex. The bonding, the trusting, the making someone happy, and all of the other warm and fuzzies a close sex life brings. Difficult to do when one spouse brings up sex is for making babies, which I don't buy, it's more than reproducing.
-------- but men seem to want quick solutions to things -------- I suspect men have been taught there are timelines to many things. Sports, work, recreational activities.
I worked for many years in a shop that had a "flat rate" pay scale. We were paid 1 hour to repair the brakes on an axle, .3/10 (18 minuets) to change a belt that turned the waterpump, altenator/dynamo?, or air conditioning compressor on a car engine, or what ever the time-motion study said it should take.
If you did it faster, you could be paid for 10 hours of work in an 8 hour day. If it took you longer, you might get paid for 6 hours but you worked 8 hours. Even sporting events have a time or point based process to determine if you measure up to some widely held standard.
I am not saying this is right or wrong, just pointing out some of the things I can relate to and have observed in my life.
Maybe some of his strictness comes from observing others and he thinks most people should atain that standard when it comes to toys, noise or manners.
-------- Gotta fix my printer --------- I have been doing that for 10 years. Have $20,000 in parts and supplies that I resell. Back in 94 there were fewer (20) models and I could keep up with the changes. Now every year there seem to be 40 new models and fewer parts interchange so I am not stocking the slower moving supplies and parts.
10 years ago, the most popular inkjet printer ink cartridge had 40ml. of ink. Now the ink cartridges have 10ml. if ink. Customer operating expenses were around $250 for the life of the printer then. Now they are $600 to $900 for the life of the printer. Mgf's are taking advantage of customers in my opinion. I am mostly out of the inkjet market because of the corperate greed.
I still do a lot of laser printer work but see the greed over the supply market from mgf's creeping into the low end laser market. Also more lock-out chips so things can't be repaired. Now you almost have to buy assemblies.
Make, model number, and symptoms please if you want advise. I have some processes that are not in the repair manual.
Helloooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! does anyone out there remember I've been celebit for 9 months??????????????/ All this talk of sex and oral sex is driving me nuts. Isn't there a section devoted to sex like over in NOPKins neck of the woods?
I tend to answer on my own thread. I promise I won't mention sex again on this thread. The oral sex thing was CEMAR's post and I answered that on his thread.
If Lou mentions sex I will answer it on his thread.
I haven't had any myself for the last two weeks or so and my H is acting like a vicar atm, and I'm currently on a 'no sex please we're British' diet so I have some idea how you feel.
Sorry if I upset you. I am a bit upset myself as it's dd's birthday on the 17th and it always makes me down.
Sorry TAG, I do understand you are way short in a lot of areas and dealing with very tough issues. I do read your posts but feel that I have nothing to offer but a sympathetic ear.
I don't post my problems on SSM because so many people there say they have good marriages except for the different sex drives. I feel out of place there because I know other things have to change before the intimacy improves.
We are not having a celibacy competition are we? Then it's 14 months for me
Ioavva, I just thought I would let you know that people usually start a new thread at about 100 posts or they may turn up to post and find it locked. It's common to also post a link to the new thread from this one, and a backward link on the new thread.
Current Thread Me: 39, H: 35 Kids: S14/D13/D11 1995-04 Married 2003-08 Bomb 2003-09 Separated
